to receive, then the child learns how to receive. 

The Venusians, however, did not have role models, so it took them thousands of years to give 
up their compulsive giving. Through gradually seeing that others were worthy of receiving, 
they realized that they also were worthy of receiving. At that magical moment the Martians also 
went through a transformation and began building spaceships. 

Who the Venusian Is Ready the Martian Will Appear 

When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to 
give to her. But when it takes her ten years of overgiving in a marriage to realize that she 
deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the 

chance. She may feel something like this: "I have given to you and you have ignored me. You 
had your chance. I deserve better. I can't trust you. I am too tired, 1 have nothing left to give. 1 
will not let you hurt me again." 


Repeatedly, when this is the case, I have assured women that they don't have to give more to 
have a better relationship. Their partner actually will give them more if they give less. When a 
man has been ignoring her needs, it is as though they have both been asleep. When she wakes 
up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more. 

Predictably, her partner will wake up from his passive state and truly make many of the 
changes she requires. When she is no longer giving too much, because she is feeling worthy 
inside herself, he comes out of his cave and starts building spaceships to come and make her 
happy. It may take him a while actually to learn to give her more, but the most important step 
is taken-he is aware that he has neglected her and he wants to change. 

It also works the other way around. Usually when a man realizes that he is unhappy and wants 
more romance and love in his life, his wife will suddenly begin to open up and love him again. 
The walls of resentment begin to melt, and love comes back to life. If there has been a lot of 
neglect it may take a while truly to heal all the accumulated resentments, but it is possible. In 
chapter 11, 1 will discuss easy and practical techniques to heal these resentmen ts. 

Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will also change. This 
predictable coincidence is one of those magical things about life. When the student is ready the 
teacher appears. When the question is asked then the answer is heard. When we are truly ready 
to receive then what we need will become available. When the Venusians were ready to 
receive, the Martians were ready to give. 

LEARNING TO GIVE 

A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. He compensates 
for this fear by focusing on increasing his power and competence. Success, achievement, and 
efficiency are foremost in his life. Before they discovered the Venusians, the Martians were so 
concerned with these qualities that they didn't care abou t anything or anybody else. A man 
appears most uncaring when he is afraid. 

just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving. To extend himself in giving to 
others means to risk failure, correction, and disapproval. These consequences are most painful 
because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough. 
This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time he thought he was expected to 
do better. When his accomplishments went unnoticed or were unappreciated, deep in his 
unconscious he began forming the incorrect belief that he was not good enough. 

A man is particularly vulnerable to this incorrect belief. It gener-ates within him the fear of 
failing. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn't try. If his biggest fear is 
inadequacy, he naturally is going to avoid any unnecessary risks. 

Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. To avoid 
failure he stops giving to the people he wants to give to the most. 


When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself. His 
most automatic defensive response is to 

say "I don't care." For this reason, the Martians did not let themselves feel or care too much for 
others. By becoming successful and powerful they finally realized that they were good enough 
and that they could succeed in giving. They then discovered the Venusians. 

Although they had always been good enough, the process of proving their power prepared 
them for the wisdom of self-esteem. Through becoming successful and then looking back, they 
realized that their every failure was necessary to achieve their later successes. Every mistake 
had taught them a very important lesson rice~ to achieve their goals. Thus they realized they 
had always been good enough. 

It Is OK to Make Mistakes 

The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes 
and it is OK to fail and that he doesn't have to have all the answers. 

I remember the story of a woman who complained that her partner would never make a 
commitment to marriage. To her it seemed that he did not care as much as she did. One day, 
however, she happened to say that she was so happy being with him. Even if they were poor, 
she would want to be with him. The next day he proposed. He needed the acceptance and 
encouragement that he was good enough for her, and then he could feel how much he cared. 

Martians Need Love Too 

Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don't get the attention they need, men 
are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why 
it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or 
unhappy over anything, be feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is 
just not good enough. Many women today don't realize how vulnerable men are and how 
much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others. 

A you ng boy who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother enters 
relationships as an adult with a rare confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling his partner. He 
is not terrified of commitment because he knows he can deliver. He also knows that when he 
doesn't deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation for doing his best. 
He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing 
his best and his best is good enough. He is able to apologize for his mistakes because he 
expects forgiveness, love, and appreciation for doing his best. 

He knows that everyone makes mistakes. He saw his father make mistakes and continue to 
love himself. He witnessed his mother loving and forgiving his father through all his mistakes. 
He felt her trust and encouragement, even though at times his father had disappointed her. 


Many men did not have successful role models while they were growing up. For them staying 
in love, getting married, and having a family is as difficult as flying a jumbo jet without any 
training. He may be able to take off, but he is sure to crash. It is difficult to continue flying 
once you have crashed the plane a few times. Or if you witnessed your father crash. Without a 
good training manual for relationships, it is easy to understand why many men and women 
give up on relationships. 

Chapter 5 

Speaking 
Different Languages 


When the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems 
with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were 
able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication. 

Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had 
problems, they would just go to a translator for assistance. Everyone knew that people from 
Mars and people from Venus spoke different languages, so when there was a conflict they 
didn't start judging or fighting but instead pulled out their phrase dictionaries to understand 
each other more fully. If that didn't work they went to a translator for help. 

You see the Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used 
gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different connotations or 
emotional emphasis. Misinterpreting each other was very easy. SO when communication 
problems emerged, they assumed it was just one of those expected misunderstandings and that 
with a little assistance they would surely understand each other. They experienced a trust and 
acceptance that we rarely experience today. 

EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION 

Even today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when 
they use the same words. For example, when a woman says "I feel like you never listen," she 
does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of 
expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual 
information. 

TO fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, 
metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they 
misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner. In the 
following chart ten complaints easily misinterpreted are fisted, as well as how a man might 
respond unsupportively. 

TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY 
MISINTERPRETED 



Women -M things like this Men respond like this 

"We never go out." 
"That's not true. We went out 
last week." 

"Everyone ignore