 been working so 
hard lately. Lees take some time out for ourselves. I love it 

when we can relax and be alone without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so 
romantic. Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? 1 
love being romanced." 

Without this translation, when a woman says "I want more romance" a man may hear "You 
don't satisfy me anymore. 1 am not turned on to you. Your romantic skills are definitely 
inadequate. You have never really fulfilled me. 1 wish you were more like other men I have 


been with." 

After using this dictionary for a few years, a man doesn't need to pick it up each time he feels 
blamed or criticized. He begins to understand the way women think and feel. He learns that 
these kinds of dramatic phrases are not to be taken literally. They are just the way women 
express feeling more fully. That's the way it was done on Venus and people from Mars need to 
remember that! 

WHEN MARTIANS DON'T TALK 

One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is 
talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and 
support a man when he isn't talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women. 

Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of 
on Venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesn't hear 
what's being said and that is why he is not responding. 

You see men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out 
loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman 
often dis 
covers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting 
thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This 
process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes. 

But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently 
"mull over" or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they 
figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it. 
This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for 
women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond 
at all. 

Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying "I don't know what to say yet, 
but I am thinking about it." Instead what they hear is "I am not responding to you because 1 
don't care about you and 1 am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important 
and therefore I am not responding." 

Now She Reacts to His Silence 

Women misinterpret a man's silence. Depending on how she is feeling that day she may begin 
to imagine the very worst-"He hates me, he doesn't love me, he is leaving me forever." This may 
then trigger her deepest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then 1 will never be 
loved. 1 don't deserve to be loved." 

When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a 


woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn't 
want to talk to a person because she didn't trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do 
with hirn. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet! 

When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she is 
listening and that she cares. Instinctively when the speaker pauses the female listener will 
reassure the speaker by making reassuring responses like "oh, uh-huh, hmmm, ah, ah-ha, or 
humph." 

Without these reassuring responses, a man's silence can be very threatening. Through 
understanding a man's cave, women can learn to interpret a man's silence correctly, and to 
respond to it. 

Understanding the Cove 

Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They 
need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to 
his "cave" to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even 
the man's best friends. This was the way it was on Mars. Women should not become scared that 
they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men 
go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine. 

This lesson is difficult for women because on Venus one of the golden rules was never to 
abandon a friend when she was upset. It just doesn't seem loving to abandon her favorite 
Martian when he is upset. Because she cares for him, a woman wants to come into his cave and 
offer him help. 

In addition, she often mistakenly assumes that if she could ask him lots of questions about 
how he is feeling and he a good listener, then he would feel better. This only upsets Martians 
more. She instinctively wants to support hirn in the way that she would want to be supported. 
Her intentions are good, but the outcome is counterproductive. 

Both men and women need to stop offering the method of ca ring they would prefer and start to 
learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react. 

Why Men 66 bite Their C~ 

Men go into their caves or become quiet for a variety of reasons. 

1. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem. 
2. He doesn't have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say "Gee, 1 
don't have an answer. 1 need to go into my cave and find one." Other men assume he is doing 
just that when he becomes quiet. 
3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his 

control again. He doesn't want to do or say anything he might regret. 

4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love. 
At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs 
them of their power. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so 
as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off and they are on their way into the cave. As a result they 
are rejuvenated and find their loving and powerful self again. 
Why W~ Talk 

Women talk for a variety of reasons. Sometimes women talk for the same reasons that men stop 
talking. These are four common reasons that women talk: 

1. To convey or gather information. (This is generally the only reason a man talks.) 
2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say. (He stops talking to figure out inside 
what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud.) 
3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset. (He stops talking when he is upset. In his 
cave he has a chance to cool off.) 
4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A 
Martian stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of 
himself.) 
Without this vital understanding of our differences and needs it is easy to see why couples 
struggle so much in relationships. 

Getting Burned by the Dragon 

It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready. 
While discussing this topic in one of my seminars. a Native American shared that in her tribe 
mothers would instruct young women getting married to remember that when a man was upset 
or stressed he would withdraw into his cave. She was not to take it personally because it would 
happen from time to time. It did not mean that he did not love her. They assured her that he 
would come back. But most important they warned the young woman never to follow him into 
his cave. If she did then she would get burned by the dragon who protected the cave. 

Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women 
just haven't understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset. 
When a man 
withdraws into his cave a woman just doesn't understand what is happening. She naturally 
tries to get him to talk. If there is a problem she hopes to nurture him by drawing him out and 
getting him to talk about it. 


She asks "Is there something wrong?" He says "No." But she can feel he is upset. She wonders 
why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave she 
unknowingly interrupts his internal process. She asks again "I know something is bothering 
you, what is it?" 

He says "It's nothing." 

She asks "It's not nothing. Something's bothering you. What are you feeling?" 

He says "Look, I'm fine. Now leave me alone!" 

She says "How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am 1 supposed 
to know what you are feeling? You don't love me. 1 feel so rejected by you." 

At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon 
comes out and hums her. 

WHEN MARTIANS DO TALK 

Women get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man's introspective time but 
also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warnings that he is either in 
his cave or on his way to the cav e. When asked "What's the matter?" a Martian will say 
something brief like "It's nothing" or "I am OK." 

These brief signals are generally the only way a Venusian knows to give him space to work out 
his feelings alone. Instead of saying "I am upset and 1 need some time to be alone," men just 
become quiet. 

In the following chart six commonly expressed abbreviated warning signals are fisted as well 
as how a woman might unknowingly respond in an intrusive and unsupportive manner: 

SIX COMMON ABBREVIATED W