ARNING SIGNALS 

When a woman asks "What's the matter?" 

A Man -Ms A woman M respond 
"I'm OK" or "It's OK.' "I know something's wrong. 
What is it?" 
"I'm fine" or "It's fine." "But you seem upset. Let's talk." 
"It's nothing." "I want to help. I know something is 
bothering you. What is it?" 

"It's all right" or "I'm all right." "Are you sure? 1 am happy to help 
you." 
"It's no big deal." "But something is upsetting you. I 
think we should talk. " 


"It's no problem." "But it is a problem. I could help." 

When a man makes one of the above abbreviated comments he generally wants silent 
acceptance or space. At times like this, to avoid misinterpretation and unnecessary panic, the 
Venusians consulted their Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary. Without this assistance, 
women misinterpret these abbreviated expressions. 

Women need to know that when a man says "I am OK" it is an abbreviated version of what he 
really means, which is "I am OK because 1 can deal with this alone. 1 do not need any help. 
Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself." 

Without this translation, when he is upset and says "I am OK" it sounds to her as if he is 
denying his feelings or problems. She then attempts to help him by askin g questions or talking 
about what she thinks the problem is. She does not know that he is speaking an 
abbreviated language. The following are excerpts from their phrase dictionary. 

The Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary 

"I'm OK" translated into Venusian means "I am OK, I can deal with my upset. 1 don't need any 
help, dunk you." 

Without this translation, when he says "I am M' she may hear "I am not upset because I do not 
care" or she may hear -1 am not willing to share with you my upset feelings. 1 do not trust you 
to be there for me." 

"Im fine" translated into Venusian means "I am fine because I am successfully dealing with my 
upset or problem. I don't need any help. If I do I will ask." 

Without this translation, when he says "I am fine" she may hear "I don't care about what has 
happened. This problem is not important to me. Even if it upsets you, I don't care." 

"It's nothing" translated into Venusian means "Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle 
alone. Please don't ask any more questions about it." 

Without this translation, when he says "Nothing is bothering me" she may hear "I don't know 
what is bothering me. 1 need you to ask me questions to assist me in discovering what is 
happening." At this point she proceeds to anger him by asking questions when he really wants 
to be left alone. 

"It's all right" translated into Venusian means 'This is a problem but you are not to blame. 1 can 
resolve this within myself if you don't interrupt my process by asking more questions or 
offering suggestions. just act 

like it didn't happen and 1 can process it within myself more effectively." 


Without this translation, when he says "It's all right" she may hear "This is the way it is 
supposed to be. Nothing needs to be changed. You can abuse me and 1 can abuse you" or she 
hears "It's all right this time, but remember it is your fault. You can do this once but don't do it 
again or else. " 

"It's no big deal" translated into Venusian means "It is no big deal because 1 can make things 
work again. Please don't dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more 
upset. 1 accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it." 

Without this translation, when he says "It's no big deal" she may hear "You are making a big 
deal out of nothing. What concerns you is not important. Don't overreact." 

"It's no problem" translated into Venusian means "I have no problem doing this or solving this 
problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to you." 

Without this translation, when he says "It's no problem" she may hear 'This is not a problem. 
Why are you making it a problem or asking for help?" She then mistakenly explains to him 
why it is a problem. 

Using this Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary can assist women in understanding what men 
really mean when they abbreviate what they are saying. Sometimes what he is really saying is 
the opposite of what she hears. 

WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES INTO HIS CAVE 

In my seminars when 1 explain about caves and dragons, women want to know how they can 
shorten the time men spend in their 
caves. At this point 1 ask the men to answer, and they generally say that the more women try to 
get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes. 

Another common comment by men is "It is hard to come out of the cave when 1 feel my mate 
disapproves of the time I spend in th e cave." To make a man feel wrong for going into his cave 
has the effect of pushing him back into the cave even when he wants to come out. 

When a man goes into his cave he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his 
problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive. There 
are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. (Giving him this support will 
also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.) 

Now to Supped a Man in His Cove 

1. Don't disapprove of his need for withdrawing. 
2. Don't try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions. 

3. Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings. 
4. Don't sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out. 
5. Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him. 
6. Do something that makes you happy. 
If you need to "talk," write him a letter to he read later when he is out, and if you need to be 
nurtured, talk to a friend. Don't make him the sole source of your fulfillment. 

A man wants his favorite Venusian to trust that be can handle what is bothering him. To be 
trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honor, pride, and self-esteem. 

Not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express 
their love and caring. It is a way of showing love. For a woman, being happy when the person 
you love is 

upset just doesn't seem right. He certainly doesn't want her to be happy because he is upset, but 
he does want her to be happy. He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to 
worry about. In addition he wants her to be happy because it helps him to feel loved by her. 
When a woman is happy and free from worry, it is easier for him to come out. 

Ironically men show their love by not worrying. A man questions "How can you worry about 
someone whom you admire and trust?" Men commonly support one another by saying phrases 
such as "Don't worry, you can handle it" or "That's their problem, not yours" or "I'm sure it will 
work out." Men support one another by not worrying or minimizing their troubles. 

It took me years to understand that my wife actually wanted me to worry for her when she was 
upset. Without this awareness of our different needs, I would minimize the importance of her 
concerns. This only made her more upset. 

When a man goes into his cave he is generally trying to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or 
not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that 
she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave. 

Anything that distracts her or helps her to feel good will be helpful to him. These are some 
examples: 

Read a book Call a girlfriend for a 
Listen to music good chat 
Work in the garden Write in a journal 
Exercise Go shopping 
Get a massage Pray or meditate 
listen to self-Go for a walk 


improvement tapes Take a bubble bath 
Treat yourself to See a therapist 
something delicious Watch TV or a video 

The Martians also recommended that the Venusians do sornething enjoyable. It was hard to 
conceive of being happy when a friend was hurting, but the Venusians did find a way. Every 
time their favorite Martian went into his cave, they would go shopping or out on some other 
pleasing excursion. Venusians love to shop. My wife, Bonnie, sometimes uses this technique. 
When she sees I am in my cave, she goes shopping. I never feel like 1 have to apologize for my 
Martian side. When she can take care of herself I feel OK taking care of myself and going into 
my cave. She trusts that I will come back and be more loving. 

She knows that when I go into my cave is not the right time to talk. When I begin showing 
signs of interest in her, she recognizes that I am coming out of the cave, and it is then a time to 
talk. Sometimes she will casually say, "When you feel like talking, I would like to spend some 
time together Would you let me know when?" In this way she can test the waters without being 
pushy or demanding. 

NOW TO COMMUNICATE SUPPORT TO A MARTIAN 

Even when they are out of the cave men want to be trusted. They don't like unsolicited advice 
or empathy They need to prove themselves. Being able to accomplish things without the help 
of others is a feather in their cap. (While. for a woman, when someone assists her, having a 
supportive relationship is a feather in her cap.) A man feels supported when a woman 
communicates in a way that says "I trust you to handle things unless you directly ask for help." 

Learning to support men in this way can be very difficult in the beginning. Many women feel 
that the only way they can get what they need in a relationship is to criticize a man when he 
makes mistakes and to offer unsolicited advice. Without a role model of a mother who knew 
how to receive support from a man, it does not occur to women that they can encourage a man 
to give more by directly asking for support-without being critical or offering advice. In 
addition, if he behaves in a manner that 