she does not like she can 

simply and directly tell him that she doesn't like his behavior, without casting judgment that 
he is wrong or bad. 

Now to Approach a Man With Criticism or Advice 

Without an understanding of how they are turning men off with unsolicited advice and 
criticism, many women feel powerless to get what they need and want from a man. Nancy was 
frustrated in her relationships. She said, "I still don't know how to approach a man with 
criticism and advice. What if his table manners are atrocious or he dresses really, really badly? 
What if he's a nice guy but you see he's got a pattern of behaving with people in a way that 
makes him look like a jerk and that's causing him trouble In relationships with others? What 
should 1 do? No matter how I tell him, he gets angry or defensive or just ignores me." 


The answer is that she should definitely not offer criticism or advice unless he asks. Instead, 
she should try giving him loving acceptance. This is what he needs, not lectures. As he begins 
to feel her acceptance, he will begin to ask what she thinks. If, however, he detects her 
demanding that he change, he will not ask for advice or suggestions. Especially in an intimate 
relationship, men need to feel very secure before they open up and ask for support. 

In addition to patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting what 
she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make requests (but again 
without giving advice or criticism). This is an art that requires caring and creativity" These are 
four possible approaches: 

1. A woman can tell a man that she doesn't We the way he dresses without giving him a lecture 
on how to dress. She could say casually as he is getting dressed "I don't like that shirt on you. 
Would you wear another one tonight?" If he is annoyed by that comment, then she should 
respect his sensitivities and apologize. She could say "I'm sorry -I didn't mean to tell you how to 
dress." 
2. If he is that sensitive-and some men are-then she could try talking about it at another time. 
She could say "Remember that blue shirt you wore with the green slacks? 1 didn't like that 
combination. Would you try wearing it with your gray slacks?" 
3. She could directly ask "Would you let me take you shopping one day? I would love to pick 
out an outfit for you." If he says no, then she can be sure that he doesn't want any more 
mothering. If he says yes, be sure not to offer too much advice. Remember his sensitivities. 
4. She could say "There is something I want to talk about but I don't know how to say it. 
[Pause.] I don't want to offend you, but 1 also really want to say it. Would you listen and then 
suggest to me a better way I could say it?" This helps him to prepare himself for the shock and 
then he happily discovers that it is not such a big deal. 
Let's explore another example. If she doesn't like his table manners and they are alone, she 
could say (without a disapproving look) "Would you use your silverware?" or "Would you 
drink from your glass?" If, however, you are in front of others, it is wise to say nothing and not 
even notice. Another day you could say "Would you use your silverware when we eat in front 
of the kids?" or "When you eat with your fingers, I hate it. I get so picky about these little 
things. When you eat with me, would you use your silverware?" 

If he behaves in a way that embarrasses you, wait for a time when no one else is around and 
then share your feelings. Don't ten him how he "should behave" or that he is wrong; instead 
share honest feelings in a loving and brief way. You could say "The other night at the party, 1 
didn't like it when you were so loud. When I'm around, would you try to keep it down?" If he 
gets upset and 

doesn't like this comment, then simply apologize for being critical. 

This art of giving negative feedback and asking for support is discussed thoroughly in chapters 


9 and 12. In addition, the best times for having these conversations is explored in the next 
chapter. 

When a Man Doesn't Need Help 

A man may start to feel smothered when a woman tries to comfort him or help him solve a 
problem. He feels as though she doesn't trust him to handle his problems. He may feel 
controlled, as if she is treating him like a child, or he may feel she wants to change him. 

This doesn't mea n that a man does not need comforting love. Women need to understand that 
they are nurturing him when they abstain from offering unsolicited advice to solve his 
problems. He needs her loving support but in a different way than she thinks. To withhold 
correcting a man or trying to improve him are ways to nurture him. Giving advice can be 
nurturing only if he directly as s for it. 

A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do alone. If he receives too 
much assistance or receives it too soon, he will lose his sense of power and strength. He 
becomes either lazy or insecure. Instinctively men support one another by not offering advice 
or help unless specifically approached and asked. 

In coping with problems, a man knows he has to first go a certain distance by himself, and then 
if he needs help he can ask for it without losing his strength, power, and dignity. To offer help 
to a man at the wrong time could easily be taken as an insult. 

When a man is carving the turkey for Thanksgiving and his partner keeps offering advice on 
how and what to cut, he feels mistrusted. He resists her and is determined to do it his way on 
his own. On the other hand, if a man offers her assistance in cutting the turkey she feels loved 
and cared for. 

When a woman suggests that her husband follow the advice of some expert, he may be 
offended. I remember one woman asking me why her husband got so angry at her. She 
explained to me that before 
sex she had asked him if he had reviewed his notes from a taped lecture b y me on the secrets of 
great sex. She didn't realm this was the ultimate insult to him. Although he had appreciated the 
tapes, he didn't want her telling him what to do by reminding him to follow my advice. He 
wanted her to trust that he knew what to do! 

While men want to be trusted, women want caring. When a man says to a woman "What's the 
matter, honey?" with a concerned look on his face, she feels comforted by his caring. When a 
woman in a similar caring and concerned way says to a man "What's the matter, honey?" he may 
feel insulted or repulsed. He feels as though she doesn't trust him to handle things. 

It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be 
pitied. A woman may say "I am so sorry I hurt you." He will say "It was no big deal" and push 
away her support. She on the other hand loves to hear him say "I'm sorry I hurt you." She then 


feels he really cares. Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways 
to show they trust. 

Too Much Caring Is Smothering 

When I first married Bonnie, the night before I would leave town to teach a weekend seminar, 
she would ask me what time I was getting up. Then she would ask what time my plane left. 
Then she would do some mental figuring and warn me that I hadn't left enough time to catch 
my plane. Each time she thought she was supporting me, but I didn't feel it. I felt offended. I 
had been traveling around the world for fourteen years teaching courses, and I had never 
missed a plane. 

Then in the morning, before I left, she asked me a string of questions such as, "Do you have 
your ticket? Do you have your wallet? Do you have enough money? Did you pack socks? Do 
you know 

where you are staying?" She thought she was loving me, but 1 felt mistrusted and was annoyed. 
Eventually I let her know that 1 appreciated her loving intention but that 1 didn't like being 
mothered in this way. 

1 shared with her that if she wanted to mother me, then the way 1 wanted to be mothered was 
to be unconditionally loved and trusted. I said, "If I miss a plane, don't tell me 'I told you so.' 
Trust that I will learn my lesson and adjust accordingly. If I forget my toothbrush or shaving 
kit, let me deal with it. Don't tell me about it when I call." With an awareness of what I wanted, 
instead of what she would have wanted, it was easier for her to succeed in supporting me. 

A Success Story 

Once, on a trip to Sweden to teach my relationship seminar, 1 called back to California from 
New York, informing Bonnie that I had left my passport at home. She reacted in such a 
beautiful and loving way. She didn't lecture me on being more responsible. Instead she 
laughed and said, "Oh my goodness, john, you have such adventures. What are you going to 
do? " 

1 asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish consulate, and the problem was solved. She was 
so cooperative. Never once did she succumb to lecturing me on being more prepared. She was 
even proud of me for finding a solution to my problem. 

MAKING LITTLE CHANGES 

One day 1 noticed that when my children asked me to do things I would always say "no 
problem." It was my way of saying 1 would be happy to do that. My stepdaughter Julie asked 
me one day, "Why do you always say 'no problem'?" 1 didn't actually know right away. After a 
while 1 realized that it was another of those deeply ingrained Martian habits. With this new 
awareness 1 started saying "I would be happy to do that." This phrase expressed my implied 


message and certainly felt more loving to my Venusian daughter. 
NOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT BLAME 

A man commonly feels attacked and blamed by a woman's feelings, especially when she is 
upset and talks about problems. Because he doesn't understand how we are different, he 
doesn't readily relate to her need to talk about all