s available to talk. 

To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her 
needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling 
away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill h is need to feet 

autonomous. 
Some men, however, may describe this pulling away differently. To them it is just a feeling of 
"I need some space" or "I need to be alone." Regardless of how it is described, when a man pulls 
away, he is fulfilling a valid need to take care of himself for a while. 


just as we do not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to pull away. It is an instinctual 
urge. He can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself. At this point he begins to 
feel his need for autonomy and begins to pull away. By understanding this process, women can 
begin correctly to interpret this pulling away. 

Why Men Pull Away When Women Get Close 

For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time when she wants to talk and be 
intimate. This occurs for two reasons. 

1. A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times 
she will attempt to reestablish their intimate connection and say "Let's talk." As he continues to 

pull away, she mistakenly concludes that he doesn't want to talk or that he doesn't care for her. 

2. When a woman opens up and shares deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually 
trigger a man's need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm 
bells go off, saying it is time to find balance by pulling away. At the most intimate moments a 
man may suddenly automatically switch to feeling his need for autonomy and pull away. 
It is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does 
often triggers his departure. Generally when a woman starts to talk about thing with feeling a 
man starts to feel this urge to pull away. This is because feelings draw men closer and create 
intimacy, and when a man gets too dose he automatically pulls away. 

It is not that he doesn't want to hear her feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycle, when 
he is needing to get close, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw 
him closer. It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it. 

WHEN TO TALK WITH A MAN 

When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away. After 
some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing 
has happened. This is the time to talk. 

At this golden time, when a man wants intimacy and is actually available to talk, women 
generally don't initiate conversations. This occurs for these three common reasons: 

1. A woman is afraid to talk because the last time she wanted to talk he pulled away. She 
mistakenly assumes that he doesn't care and he doesn't want to listen. 
2. A woman is afraid the man is upset with her and she waits for him to initiate a conversation 
about his feelings. She knows that if she were suddenly to pull away from him, before she 
could reconnect she would need to talk about what happened. She waits for him to initiate a 
conversation about what upset him. He, however, doesn't need to talk about his upset feelings 
because he is not upset. 
3. A woman has so much to say that she doesn't want to be rude and just begin talking. To be 
polite, instead of talking about ber own thoughts and feelings she makes the mistake of asking 
him questions about his feelings and thoughts. When he has nothing to say, she concludes he 
doesn't want to have a conversation with her. 
With all of these incorrect beliefs about why a man is not talking, it is no wonder that women 
are frustrated with men. 
NOW TO GET A MAN TO TALK 

When a woman wants to talk or feels the need to get close, she should do the talking and not 
expect a man to initiate the conversation. To initiate a conversation she needs to be the first to 


begin sharing, even if her partner has little to say. As she appreciates him for listening, 
gradually he will have more to say. 

A man can be very open to having a conversation with a woman but at first have nothing to say. 
What women don't know about Martians is that they need to have a reason to talk. They don't 
talk just for the sake of sharing. But when a woman talks for a while, a man will start to open 
up and share how he relates to what she has shared. 

For example, if she talks about some of her difficulties during the day he may share some of the 
difficulties of his day so that they can understand each other. If she talks about her feelings 
about the kids, he may then talk about his feelings about the kids. As she opens up and he 
doesn't feel blamed or pressured, then he gradually begins to open up. 

Now Wa~ Pressure Men to Talk 

A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand 
is being made that he talk, his mind goes blank. He has nothing to say. Even if he has 
something to say he will resist because he feels her demand. 

It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by 
interrogating him. Especially when he doesn't feel the need to talk. A woman mistakenly 
assumes that a man "needs to talk" and therefore "should." She forgets that he is from Mars and 
doesn't feel the need to talk as much. 

She even feels that unless he talks, he doesn't love hen To reject a man for not talking is to 
ensure that he has nothing to say. A man 

needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he will gradually open up. He does not feel 
accepted when she wants him to talk more or resents him for pulling away. 

A man who needs to pull away a lot before he can learn to share and open up will first need to 
listen a lot. He needs to be appreciated for listening, then gradually he will say more. 

Now to Initiate a Conversation with a Man 

The more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist. Directly trying to get him to 
talk is not th e best approach, especially if he is stretching away. Instead of wondering how she 
can get him to talk a better question might be "How can 1 achieve greater intimacy, 
conversation, and communication with my partner? 

If a woman feels the need for more talk in the relationship, and most women do, then she can 
initiate more conversation but with a mature awareness that not only accepts but also expects 
that sometimes he will be available and at other times he will instinctively pull away. 

When he is available, instead of asking him twenty questions or demanding that he talk, she 


could let him know that she appreciates him even if he just listens. In the beginning she should 
even discourage him from talking. 

For example, Maggie could say "jeff, would you listen to me for a while? I've had a hard day 
and I want to talk about it. It will make me feel much better." After Maggie talked for a couple 
of minutes then she could pause and say "I really appreciate when you listen to my feelings, it 
means a lot to me." This appreciation encourages a man to listen more. 

Without appreciation and encouragement, a man may lose interest because he feels as though 
his "listening" is "doing nothing." He doesn't realize how valuable his listening is to her. Most 
women, however, instinctively know how important listening is. To expect a man to know this 
without some training is to expect him to be like a woman. Fortunately, after being 
appreciated for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the value of talking. 

WHEN A MAN WON'T TALK 

Sandra and Larry had been married for twenty years. Sandra wanted a divorce and Larry 
wanted to make things work. 

She said, "How can he say he wants to stay married? He doesn't love me. He doesn't feel 
anything. He walks away when I need him to talk. He is cold and heartless. For twenty years he 
has withheld his feelings. 1 am not willing to forgive him. 1 will not stay in this marriage. 1 am 
too tired of trying to get him to open up and share his feelings and be vulnerable." 

Sandra didn't know how she had contributed to their problems. She thought it was all her 
husband's fault. She thought she had done everything to promote intimacy, conversation, and 
communication, and he had resisted her for twenty years. 

After hearing about men and rubber bands in the seminar, she burst into tears of forgiveness 
for her husband. She realized that "his" problem was "their" problem. She recognized how she 
had contributed to their problem. 

She said, "I remember in our first year of marriage 1 would open up, talk about my feelings, 
and he would just walk away. 1 thought he didn't love me. After that happened a few times, 1 
gave up. 1 was not willing to be hurt again. I did not know that at another time he would be 
able to listen to my feelings. 1 didn't give him a chance. I stopped being vulnerable. 1 wanted 
him to open up before I would." 

One-sided Conversations 

Sandra's conversations were generally one-sided. She would try to get him to talk first by 
asking him a string of questions. Then, before 

she could share what she wanted to talk about, she would become upset with his short answers. 
When she finally did share her feelings, they were always the same. She was upset that he was 


not open, loving, and sharing. 

A one-sided conversation might go like this: 

SANDRA: How was your day? 
LARRY: OK. 
SANDRA: What happened? 
LARRY* The usual. 
SANDRA: What do you feel like doing this weekend? 
LARRY. I don't care. What do you want to do? 
SANDRA: Do you want to invite our friends over? 

LARRY: 
......................... I don't know Do you know where the 
