
TV schedule is? 

SANDRA: (upset) Why don't you talk to me? 
~M (Stunned and silent.) 
SANDRA: Do you love me? 
LARRY. Of course I love you. I married you. 
SANDRA: How could you love me? We never talk 

anymore. How can you just sit there and 

say nothing. Don't you care? 

At this point, Larry would get up and go for a walk. When he came back he would act as though 
nothing had happened. Sandra would also act as though everything was fine, but inside she 
would withdraw her love and warmth. On the surface she would try to be loving, but on the 
inside her resentment increased. From time to time it would boil up and she would begin 
another one-sided interrogation of her husband's feelings. After twenty years of gathering 
evidence that he did not love her, she was no longer willing to be deprived of intimacy. 

Learning to Support Each Other Without Having to Change 

At the seminar Sandra said, "I have spent twenty years trying to get Larry to talk. 1 wanted him 
to open up and be vulnerable. 1 didn't realize that what I was missing was a man who would 
support me in being open and vulnerable. That is what I really needed. I have shared more 
intimate feelings with my husband this weekend than in twenty years. I feel so loved. This is 
what I have been missing. I thought he had to change. Now 1 know nothing is wrong with him 
or me. We just didn't know how to support each other." 

Sandra had always complained that Larry didn't talk. She had convinced herself that his silence 
made intimacy impossible. At the serninar she learned to share her feelings without expecting 
or demanding Larry to reciprocate. Instead of rejecting his silence she learned to appreciate it. 
It made him a better listener. 

Larry learned the art of listening. He practiced listening without trying to fix her. It is much 
more effective to teach a man to listen than to open up and be vulnerable. As he learns to list en 


to someone he cares for and is appreciated in response, he gradually will open up and share 
more automatically. 

When a man feels appreciated for listening and he doesn't feel rejected for not sharing more, he 
will gradually begin to open up. When he feels as though he doesn't have to talk more, then 
naturally he will. But first he needs to feel accepted. If she is still frustrated by his silence she is 
forgetting that men are from Mars! 

WHEN A MAN DOESN'T PULL AWAY 

Lisa and Jim had been married for tw o years. They did everything together. They were never 
apart. After a while, Jim became increasingly irritable, passive, moody, and temperamental. 

In a private counseling session, Lisa told me, "He is no longer any fun to be with. 1 have tried 
everything to cheer him up, but it doesn't work. 1 want to do fun 

things together, like going to restaurants, shopping, traveling, going to plays, parties, and 
dancing, but he doesn't. We never do anything anymore. We just watch TV, eat, sleep, and 
work. 1 try to love him, but 1 am angry. He used to be so charming and romantic. Living with 
him now is like living with a slug. 1 don't know what to do. He just won't budge!" 

After learning about the male intimacy cycle-the rubber band theory-both Lisa and Jim realized 
what had happened. They were spending too much time together. Jim and Lisa needed to 
spend more time apart. 

When a man gets too close and doesn't pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness, 
irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Jim had not learned how to pull away. He felt 
guilty spending time alone. He thought he was supposed to share everything with his wife. 

Lisa also thought they were supposed to do everything together. In counseling I asked Lisa 
why she had spent so much time with Jim. 

She said, "I was afraid he would get upset if I did anything fun without him. One time 1 went 
shopping and he got really upset with me." 

Jim said, "I remember that day. But I wasn't upset with you. I was upset about losing some 
money in a business deal. 1 actually remember that day because I remember noticing how good 
I felt having the whole house to myself. 1 didn't dare tell you that because 1 thought it would 
hurt your feelings." 

Lisa said, "I thought you didn't want me to go out without you. You seemed so distant." 

Becoming More Independent 

With this new awareness, Lisa got the permission she needed not to worry so much about Jim. 


Jim pulling away actually helped her become more autonomous and independent. She started 
taking better care of herself. As she started doing the things she wanted to do and 
~g more Support from her girlfriends she was much happier, 

She released her resentment toward Jim. She realized that she had been expecting too much 
from him. Having beard about the rubber band she realized how she was contributing to their 
problem. She realized that he needed more time to be alone. Her loving sacrifices were not only 
preventing him from pulling away and then springing back but her dependent attitude was 
also smothering him. 

Lisa started doing fun things without Jim. She did some of the things that she had been 
wanting to do. One night she went out to cat with some girlfriends. Another night she went to a 
play. Anoth er night she went to a birthday bowling party. 

Simple Mired% 

What amazed her was how quickly their relationship changed. Jim became much more 
attentive and interested in het Within a couple of weeks, Jim started to come back to his old 
self again. He was wanting to do fun things with her and started planning dates. He got his 
motivation back. 

In counseling he said, "I feel so relieved. 1 feel loved ... when Lisa comes home she is happy to 
see me. It feels so good to miss ber when she is gone. It feels good to 'feel' again. 1 had almost 
forgotten what it was like. Before it seemed like nothing 1 did was good 

enough. Lisa was always trying to get me to do things, telling me what to do and asking me 
questions." 

Lisa said, "I realized 1 was blaming him for my unhappiness. As 1 took responsibility for my 
happiness, 1 experienced that Jim was more energetic and alive. It's like a miracle. " 

OBSTRUCTING THE INTIMACY CYCLE 

There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner's natural intimacy 
cycle. They are: (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away. 

The following is a list of the most common ways a woman "chases a man" and prevents him 
from pulling away: 

CHASING BEHAVIORS 

1. Physical 
When he pulls away, she physically follows hirn. He may walk into another room and she 
follows. Or as in the example of Lisa and Jim, she does not do the things she wants to do so that 


she can be with her partner. 

2. Emotional 
When he pulls away, she emotionally follows him. She worries about hirn. She wants to help 
him feel better. She feels sorry for him. She smothers him with attention and praise. 

Another way she may emotionally stop him from pulling away is to disapprove of his need to 
be alone. Through disapproving she is also emotionally pulling him back. 

Another approach is to look longingly or hurt when he pulls away. In this way she pleads for 
his intimacy and he feels controlled. 

3. Mental 
She may try to pull hirn back mentally by asking him 
g'It 1 

ui -inducing questions such as "How could you treat me this way?" or "What's wrong with 
you?" or "Don't you realize how much it hurts me when you pull away?" 

Another way she may try to pull him back is to try to please hirn. She becomes overly 
accommodating. She tries to be perfect so he would never have any reason to pull away. She 
gives up her sense of self and tries to become what she thinks he wants. 

She is afraid to rock the boat for fear that he might 
pull away, and so she withholds her true feelings and avoids doing anything that may upset 
him. 

The second major way a woman may unknowingly interrupt a man's intimacy cycle is to 
punish him for pulling away. The following is a list of the most common ways a woman 
"punishes a man" and prevents him from coming back and opening up to her: 

PUNISHING BEHAVIORS 

1. Physical 
When he begins to desire her again she rejects him. She pushes away his physical affection. 
She may reject him sexually She doesn't allow him to touch her or be dose. She may hit him or 
break things in order to show her displeasure. 

When a man is punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of ever doing it again. This 
fear may prevent him from pulling away in the future. His natural cycle is then broken. It may 
also create an anger that blocks him from feeling his desire for intimacy He may not come back 
when he has pulled away. 


2. Emotional 
When he returns, she is unhappy and she blames him. She does not forgive him for neglecting 
her. There is nothing he can do to please her or make her happy. He feels incapable of fulfilling 
her and gives up. 

When he returns, she expresses her disapproval through words, tone of voice, and by looking at 
her partner in a certain wounded way. 

3. Mental 
When he returns, she refuses to open up and share her feelings. She becomes cold and resents 
him for not opening up and talking. 

She stops trusting that he really cares and punishes him by not giving him a chance to listen 
and be the "good" guy. When he happily returns to her, he is in the doghouse. 

When a man feels punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of losing her love if he 
pulls away. He begins to feel unworthy of her love if he pulls away. He may become afraid to 
reach out for her love again because he feels unworthy; he assumes he will be rejected. This 
fear of rejection prevents him from coming back from his journey into the cave. 

NOW A MAN'S PAST MAY AFFECT HIS INTIMACY CYCLE 

This natur