 to hit bottom sooner, and 


then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is 
the cycle. 

Bill was confused, because as he listened to her she appeared to get no benefit from his 
support. To him she just seemed to be going deeper. To avoid this confusion a man needs to 
remember that sometimes when he is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even 
more upset. Through understanding that a wave must 
hit bottom before it can rise again he can release his expectations that she immediately feel 
better in response to his assistance. 

With this new insight, Bill was able to be rnore understanding and patient with Mary. After 
becoming much more successful in supporting Mary in her well, he also learned that there was 
no way to predict how long she would be upset; sometimes her well was deeper than at other 
times. 

RECURRING CONVERSATIONS AND ARGUMENTS 

When a woman comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. This positive 
shift is generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering 
her is now completely healed or resolved. This is not the case. It is an illusion. Because she is 
suddenly more loving and positive he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved. 

When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again he 
becomes impatient, because he thinks they have already been resolved. Without understanding 
the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the "well." 

When a woman's unresolved feelings recur, he may 

respond inappropriately by saying: 

1. "How many times do we have to go through this?" 
2. "I've heard all this before." 
3. "I thought we had established that." 
4. "When are you going to get off it?" 
5. "I don't want to deal with this again." 
6. "This is crazy! We are having the same argument." 
7.---Whydo you have so many problems?" 
When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface. These issues may have to 

do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily charged from her past relationships and 
childhood. Whatever remains to be healed or resolved from her past inevitably will come up. 
Here are some of the common feelings she may experience as she goes into the well. 

WARNING SIGNS FOR MEN THAT SHE 

MAY BE GOING INTO HER WELL OR 
WHEN SHE NEEDS HIS LOVE THE MOST 

She feels She my say 

Overwhelmed "There is so much to do." 
Insecure "I need more." 
Resentful "I do everything." 

Worried ........................---Butwhat about " 
Confused ........................" 1 don't understand why " 


Exhausted "I can't do anything more." 
Hopeless "I don't know what to do." 
Passive "I don't care, do what you want." 

Demanding ................... "You should " 
Withholding ..................."No, I don't want to" 


Mistrustful "What do you mean by that?" 

Controlling ..................... "Well, did you ?" 
Disapproving ..................... "How could you forget ?" 


As she feels more and more supported at these difficult times, she begins to trust the 
relationship and Is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in her relationship or 
struggle in her life. This is the blessing of a loving relationship. 


To support a woman when she is in her well is a special gift that she will greatly appreciate. 
Gradually she will become free from the gripping influence of her past. She will still have her 
ups and downs, 
but they will not be so extreme that they overshadow her loving nature. 


UNDERSTANDING NEEDINESS 

During my relationship seminar Tom complained, saying, "In the beginning of our 
relationship, Susan seemed so strong, but then suddenly she became so needy. 1 remember 


reassuring her that I loved her and that she was important to me. After a lot of talking we got 
over that hurdle, but then again a month later she went through the same insecurity. It was as if 
she had never heard me the first time. 1 became so frustrated with her that we got in a big 
argument." 

Tom was surprised to see that many other men shared his experience in their relationships. 
When Tom met Susan she was on the upswing of her wave. As their relationship progressed 
Susan's love for Tom grew. After her wave peaked, suddenly she started feeling very needy 
and possessive. She became insecure and demanded more attention. 

This was the beginning of her descent into the well. Tom could not understand why she had 
changed, but after a rather intense discussion that went on for hours, Susan felt much better. 
Tom had reassured her of his love and support, and Susan was now swinging up again. Inside 
he felt relieved. 

After this interaction Tom thought he had successfully solved this problem in their 
relationship. But a month later Susan began to crash and began feeling the same way again. 
This time Tom was much less understanding and accepting of her. He became impatient. He 
was insulted that she would mistrust him again after he had reassured her of his love a month 
before. In his defensiveness he negatively judged her recurring need for reassurance. As a 
result they argued. 

Reassuring insights 

By understanding how women are like waves, Tom realized that the recurrence of Susan's 
neediness and insecurity was natural, inevitable, and temporary. He realized how naive he had 
been to think that his loving response to Susan's deepest core issues could permanently heal 
her. 

Tom learning successfully to support Susan when she was in her well not only made it easier 
for her to do her in ner healing but also helped them not to have fights at those times. Tom was 
encouraged by the three following realizations. 

1. A man's love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman's issues. His love, however, can 
make it safe for her to go deeper into her well. It is naive to expect a woman to be perfectly 
loving all the time. He can expect these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, 
he can get better at supporting her. 
2. A woman going into her well is not a man's fault or his failure. By being more supportive he 
cannot prevent it from happen' rig, but he can help her through these difficult times. 
3. A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A 
man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and 
understanding. 

WHEN A WOMAN DOESN'T FEEL SAFE IN HER WELL 


This tendency to be like a wave increases when a woman is in an intimate relationship. It is 
essential that she feel safe to go through this cycle. Otherwise she works hard at pretending 
that everything is always all right and suppresses her negative feelings. 
When a woman doesn't feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy 
and sex or to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like drinking, overeating, 
overworking, or overcaretaking. Even with her addictions, however, she periodically will fall 
into her well and her feelings may come up in a most uncontrolled fashion. 

You probably know stories of couples who never fight or argue and then suddenly to 
everyone's surprise they decide to get a divorce. In many of these cases, the woman has 
suppressed her negative feelings to avoid having fights. As a result she becomes numb and 
unable to feel her love. 

When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love 
dies. Avoiding arguments and fights certainly is healthy but not by suppressing feelings. In 
chapter 9 we will explore how to avoid arguments without suppressing feelings. 

Emotional Housecleaning 

When a woman's wave crashes is a time of emotional cleansing or emotional housecleaning. 
Without this cleansing or emotional catharsis a woman slowly loses her ability to love and to 
grow m love. Through controlled repression of her feelings her wave nature is obstructed, and 
she gradually becomes unfeeling and passionless over time. 

Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave 
motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation 
between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases 
women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS 
symptoms disappear. In chapter 11 we will explore more healing techniques for dealing with 
negative emotions. 

Even a strong, confident. and successful woman will need to visit her well from time to time. 
Men commonly make the mistake of thinking that if their female partner is successful in the 
work world then she will not experience these times of emotional housecleaning. The opposite 
is true. 

When a woman is in the work world she generally is exposed to stress and emotional pollution. 
Her need for emotional housecleaning becomes great. Similarly, a man's need to pull away like 
a rubber band may increase when he is under a greater amount of stress at work. 

One study revealed that a woman's self-esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between 
twenty-one and thirty -five days. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like 
a rubber band, but my experience is that it is about the same. A woman's selfesteem cycle is not 


necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but it does average out at twenty -eight days. 

When a woman puts on her business suit she can detach from this emotional roller coaster, but 
when she returns home she needs her partner to give the tender loving support that every 
woman needs and appreciates at these times. 

It is important to recognize that this tendency to go into the well does not necessarily affect 