 hurt without making 


her hurt feelings wrong. 

She may not like this response, but she will respect it. Of course she wants him to be his usual 
loving self, but if he needs to pull away, then that is his valid need. He cannot give what he 
doesn't have. What he can do is avoid making things worse. The solution lies in respect ing his 
needs as well as hers. He should take the time he needs and then go back and give her what she 
needs. 

When a man can't listen to a woman's hurt feelings because he needs to pull away, he can say "I 
understand you feel hurt and 1 need some time to think about it. Let's take a time-out." For a 
man to excuse himself in this way and stop listening is much better than trying to explain away 
her hurt. 

What She Con Do Instead of Arguing 

In hearing this suggestion, Cathy said, "If he gets to be in his cave then what about me? 1 give 
him space, but what do 1 get?" 

What Cathy gets is the best her partner can give at the time. By not demanding that he listen to 
her when she wants to talk, she can 
avoid making the problem much worse by having a huge argument. Second, she gets his 
support when he comes back-when he is truly capable of supporting her. 

Remember, if a man needs to pull away like a rubber band, when he returns he will be back 
with a lot more love. Th en he can listen. This is the best time to initiate conversation. 

Accepting a man's need to go into the cave does not mean giving up the need to talk. It means 
giving up the demand that he listen whenever she wants to talk. Cathy learned to accept that 
sometimes a man can't listen or talk and learned that at other times he could. Timing was very 
important. She was encouraged not to give up initiating conversation but to find those other 
times when he could listen. 

When a man pulls away is the time to get more support from friends. If Cathy feels the need to 
talk but Harris can't listen, then Cathy could talk more with her friends. It puts too much 
pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support. When a woman's wave 
crashes and her partner is in his cave, it is essential that she have other sources of support. 
Otherwise she can't help but feel powerless and resent her partner. 

NOW MONEY CAN CREATE PROBLEMS 

Chris said, "I am completely confused. When we got married we were poor. We both worked 
hard and we barely had enough money for the rent. Sometimes my wife, Pam, would complain 
about how hard her life was. 1 could understand it. But now we are rich. We both have 
successful careers. How can she still be unhappy and complain? Other women would give 
anything to be in her situation. All we do is fight. We were happier when we were poor; now 


we want a divorce." 

Chris did not understand that women are like waves. When he married Pam, from time to time 
her wave would crash. At those times he would listen and understand her unhappiness. It was 
easy for him to validate her negative feelings because he shared them. From his perspective she 
had a good reason to be upset -they didn't have a lot of money. 

Money Doesn't Fulfill Emotional Needs 

Martians tend to think money is the solution to all problems. When Chris and Pam were poor 
and struggling to make ends meet, he would listen and empathize with her pain and resolve to 
make more money so she wouldn't be unhappy. Pam felt that he really cared. 

But as their life improved financially she continued to get upset from time to time. He couldn't 
understand why she still wasn't happy. He thought she should be happy all the time because 
they were so rich. Pam felt that he didn't care about her. 

Chris did not realize that money could not prevent Pam from being upset. When her wave 
would crash, they fought because he would invalidate her need to be upset. Ironically, the 
richer they became the more they fought. 

When they were poor, money was the major focus of her pain, but as they became more 
financially secure she became more aware of what she was not getting emotionally. This 
progression is natural, normal, and predictable. 

A Wealthy Woman Needs More Permission to Be Upset 

1 remember reading this quote In an article: "A wealthy woman can only get empathy from a 
wealthy psychiatrist." When a woman has a lot of money, people (and especially her husband) 
do not give her the right to be upset. She has no permission to be like a wave and 
crash from time to time. She has no permission to explore her feelings or to need more in any 
area of her life. 

A woman with money is expected to be fulfilled all the time because her fife could be so much 
worse without this financial abundance. This expectation is not only impractical but 
disrespectful. Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs 
permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash. 

Chris was encouraged when he realized he could make his wife happy. He remembered he had 
validated his wife's feelings when they were poor, and he could do it again even if they were 
rich. Instead of feeling hopeless, he realized he did know how to support her. He had just 
gotten sidetracked by thinking his money should make her happy when really his caring and 
understanding of her had been the source of her contentment. 

FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT 


If a woman is not supported in being unhappy sometimes then she can never truly be happy. 
To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the wed to release, heal, and purify the 
emotions. This is a natural and healthy process. 

If we are to feel the positive feelings of love, happiness, trust, and gratitude, we periodically 
also have to feel anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. When a woman goes down into her well is 
when she can heal these negative emotions. 

Men also need to process their negative feelings so that they can then experience their positive 
feelings. When a man goes into his cave is a time when he silently feels and processes his 
negative feelings. In chapter 11 we will explore a technique for releasing negative feelings that 
works equally well for women and men. 

When a woman is on the upswing she can be fulfilled with what she has. But on the 
downswing she then will become aware of what she is 

issing When she is feeling good she is capable of seeing and responding to the good things in 
her life. But when she is crashing, her loving vision becomes cloudy, and she reacts more to 
what is missing 'm her life. 

just as a glass of water can be viewed as half full or half empty, when a woman is on her way 
up she sees the fullness of her life. On the way down she sees the emptiness. Whatever 
emptiness she overlooks on the way up comes more into focus when she is on her way down 
into her well. 

Without learning about how women are like waves men cannot understand or support their 
wives. They are confused when things get a lot better on the outside but worse in the 
relationship. By remembering this difference a man holds the key to giving his partner the love 
she deserves when she needs it the most. 

Chapter 8 

Discovering Our Different 
Emotional Needs 


Men and women generally are unaware that they have different emotional needs. As a result 
they do not instinctively kn ow how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships 
what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other 
has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful. 

Both men and women feel they give and give but do not get back. They feel their love is 
unacknowledged and unappreciated. The truth is they are both giving love but not in the 
desired manner. 

For example, a woman thinks she is being loving when she asks a lot of caring questions or 


expresses concern. As we have discussed before, this can be very annoying to a man. He may 
start to feel controlled and want space. She is confused, because if she w ere offered this kind of 
support she would be appreciative. Her efforts to be loving are at best ignored and at worst 
annoying. 

Similarly, men think they are being loving, but the way they express their love may make a 
woman feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when a woman gets upset, he thinks he 
is loving and supporting her by making comments that minimize the 

importance of her problems. He may say "Don't worry, It's not such a big deal." Or he may 
completely ignore her, assuming he is giving her a lot of--space"to cool off and go into her cave. 
What he thinks is support makes ber feel minimized, unloved, and ignored. 

As we have already discussed, when a woman Is upset she needs to be heard and understood. 
W'thout this insight into different male and female needs, a mail doesn't understand why his 
attempts to help fall. 

THE TWELVE KINDS OF LOVE 

Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love. Men and 
women each have six unique love needs that are all equally, important. Men primarily need 
trust. acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily, 
need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. The enormous task 
of figuring out what our partner needs is simplified greatly through understanding these 
twelve different kinds of love. 

By reviewing this list you can easily see why, your partner may not feel loved. And most 
important, this list can give you a direction to improve your relationships with the opposite sex 
when you don't know what else to do. 

The Primary love Needs of Women and Men 

Here are the different kinds of love listed side by side: 

Women need to receive Men need to receive 

1. Caring 
1. Trust 
2. Understanding 
2. Acceptance 
3. Respect 3. Appreciation 
4. Devotion 
4. Admira