tion 
5. Validation 
5. Approval 
6. Reassurance 
6. Encouragement 
Understanding Your Primary Needs 
Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all twelve kinds of love. To acknowledge the 


six kinds of love prima rily needed by women does not imply that men do not need these kinds 
of love. Men also need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. 
What Is meant by "primary need" is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able 
fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love. 

A man becomes fully receptive to and appreciative of the six kinds of love primarily needed by 
women (caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance) when his own 
primary needs are first fulfilled. Likewise a woman needs trust, acceptance, appreciation, 
admiration, approval, and encouragement. But before she can truly value and appreciate these 
kinds of love, her primary needs first must be fulfilled. 

Understanding the primary kinds of love that your partner needs is a powerful secret for 
improving relationships on Earth. Remembering that men are from Mars will help you 
remember and accept that men have different primary love needs. 

It's easy for a woman to give what she needs and forget that her favorite Martian may need 
something else. Likewise men tend to focus on their needs, losing track of the fact that the kind 
of love they need is not always appropriate for or supportive of their favorite Venusian. 

The most powerfu l and practical aspect of this new understanding of love is that these 
different kinds of love are reciprocal. For example, when a Martian expresses his caring and 
understanding, a Venusian automatically begins to reciprocate and return to him the trust and 
acceptance that he primarily needs. The same thing hap 

pens when a Venusian expresses her trust-a Martian automatically will begin to reciprocate 
with the caring she needs. 

In the following six sections we will define the twelve kinds of love in practical terms and 
reveal their reciprocal nature. 

1. She Needs Caring and He Needs Trust 
When a man shows interest in a woman's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she 
feels loved and cared for. When he makes her feel special in this caring way, he succeeds in 
fulfilling her first primary need. Naturally she begins to trust him more. When she trusts, she 
becomes more open and receptive. 

When a woman's attitude is open and receptive toward a man he feels trusted. To trust a man Is 
to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner. When a woman's 
reactions reveal a positive belief in her man's abilities and intentions, his first primary love 
need is fulfilled. Automatically he is more caring and attentive to her feelings and needs. 

2. She Needs Understanding and He Needs Acceptance 
When a man listens without judgment but with empathy and relatedness to a woman express 


her feelings, she feels heard and understood. An understanding attitude doesn't presume to 
already know a person's thoughts or feelings; instead, it gathers meaning from what is heard, 
and moves toward validating what is being communicated. The rnore a woman's need to be 
heard and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he 
needs. 

When a woman lovingly' receives a man without trying to change him, he feels accepted. An 
accepting attitude does not reject but affirms that he is bei ng favorably received. It does not 
mean the woman believes he is perfect but indicates that she is not trying to improve him, that 
she trusts him to make his own improvements. When a man feels accepted it is much easier for 
him to listen and give her the understanding she needs and deserves. 

3. She Needs Respect and He Needs Appreciation 
When a man responds to a woman in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, 
wishes, and needs, she feels respected. When his behavior takes into consideration her 
thoughts and feelings, she is sure to feel respected. Concrete and physical expressions of 
respect, like flowers and remembering anniversaries, are essential to fulfill a woman's third 
primary love need. When she feels respected it is much easier for her to give her man the 
appreciation that he deserves. 

When a woman acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a man's efforts 
and behavior, he feels appreciated. Appreciation is the natural reaction to being supported. 
When a man is apprec iated he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to Ove 
more. When a man is appreciated he is automatically empowered and motivated to respect his 
partner more. 

4. She Needs Devotion and He Needs Admiration 
When a man gives priority to a woman's needs and proudly commits himself to supporting and 
fulfilling her, her fourth primary love need is fulfilled. A woman thrives when she feels adored 
and special. A man fulfills her need to be loved in this way when he makes her feelings and 
needs more important than his other interests-like work, study, and recreation. When a woman 
feels that she is number one in his life then, quite easily, she admires him. 

just as a woman needs to feel a man's devotion, a man has a primary need to feel a woman's 
admiration. To admire a man is to regard him with wonder, delight, and pleased approval. A 
man feels admired when she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents, which 
may include humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kin dness, love, 
understanding, and other socalled old -fashioned virtues. When a man feels admired, he feels 
secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her. 

5. She Hods Validation and He Needs Approval 
When a man does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants but instead accepts 
and confirms their validity, a woman truly feels loved because her fifth primary need is 


fulfilled. A man's validating attitude confirms a woman's right to feel th e way she does. (It is 
important to remember one can validate her point of view while having a different point of 
view.) When a man learns how to let a woman know that he has this validating attitude, he is 
assured of getting the approval that he primarily needs. 

Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman's hero or knight in shining armor. The signal 
that he has passed her tests is her approval. A woman's approving attitude acknowledges the 
goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember, giving approval to 
a man doesn't always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude recognizes or looks for 
the good reasons behind what he does. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes 
easier for him to validate her feelings. 

6. She Needs Reassurance and He Needs Encouragement 
When a man repeatedly shows that he cares, understands, respects, validates. and is devoted to 
his partner, her primary need to be reassured is fulfilled. A reassuring attitude tells a woman 
that she is continually loved. 

A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman's primary 
love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is 
loved. This is not the case. To fulfill her sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure 
her again and again. 
Similarly, a man primarily needs to be encouraged by a woman A woman's encouraging 
attitude gives hope and courage to a man by expressing confidence m his abilities and character 
When a woman's attitude expresses mist, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, and approval it 
encourages a man to be all that he can be. Feeling encouraged motivates him to give her the 
loving reassurance that she needs. 

The best comes out in a man when h's six primary lov e needs are fulfilled. But when a woman 
doesn't know what he primarily needs and gives a caring love rather than a trusting love, she 
may unknowingly sabotage their relationship. This next story exemplifies this point. 

THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR 

Deep in side every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor. More than anything, he 
wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is 
able to tap into this noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesn't feel 
trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring. 

Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a 
woman crying out in distress. In an instant he comes alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he 
races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon. The noble knight pulls out his sword and 
slays the dragon. As a result, he is lovingly received by the princess. 

As the gates open he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the 


townspeople. He is invited to live in the town and is acknowledged as a hero. He and the 
princess fall in love. 

A month later the noble knight goes off on another trip. On his way back, he hears his beloved 
princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight arrives 
he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon. 

Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, "Don't use your sword, use this noose. 
It will work better." 

She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly 
follows her instructions. He wraps it around the dragon's neck and then pulls hard. The dragon 
dies and everyone rejoices. 

At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn't really do anything. Somehow, because he 
used her noose and didn't use his sword, he doesn't quite feel worthy of the town's trust and 
admiration After th