e event he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor 

A month later he goes on yet another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds 
him to be careful and tells him to take the noose. On his way home, he sees yet another dragon 
attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe 
he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his 
right arm. In confusion he looks up and sees his princess waving from the castle window. 

"Use the poison," she yells. "The noose doesn't work." 

She throws him the poison, which he pours into the dragon's mouth, and the dragon dies. 
Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed. 

A month later, he goes on another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him 
to be careful, and to bring the noose and the poison. He is annoyed by her suggestions but 
brings them just in case. 

This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his 
depression is lifted and he feels confident and alive. But as he draws his sword to slay the 
dragon, he again hesitates. He wonders, Should 1 use my sword, the noose, or the poison? What 
would the princess say? 

For a moment he is confused. But then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the 
princess, back in the days when he only carried a sword. With a burst of renewed confidence he 
throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword. He slays the 
dragon and the townspeople rejoice. 

The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. He stayed in this new village and 
lived happily ever after. He eventually 


married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons. 

Remembering that within every man is a knight in shining armor is a powerful metaphor to 
help you remember a man's primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and 
assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off. 

NOW YOU MAY BE UNKNOWINGLY TURNING OFF YOUR PARTNER 

Without an awareness of what is important for the opposite sex, men and women don't realize 
how much they may be hurting their partners. We can see that both men and women 
unknowingly cornmunicate in ways that are not only counterproductive but may even be a 
turnoff. 

Men and women get their feelings hurt most easily when they do not get the kind of primary 
love they need. Women generally don't realize the ways they communicate that are 
unsupportive and hurtful to the male ego. A woman may try to be sensitive to a man's feelings, 
but because his primary love needs are different from hers, she doesn't instinctively anticipate 
his needs. 

Through understanding a man's primary love needs, a woman can be more aware and sensitive 
to the sources of his discontent. The following is a list of common communication mistakes 
women make in relation to a man's primary love needs. 

Mistakes women c~ make ~g doesn't fed loved 

1. She tries to improve his behav -1. fie feels unloved because she 
ior or help him by offering doesn't trust him anymore. 
unsolicited advice. 

2. She tries to change or control his 2. He feels unloved because she 
behavior by sharing her upset or doesn't accept him as he is. 
negative feelings. (It is OK to share 
feelings but not when they attempt 
to manipulate or punish.) 
Mistakes wow c~ make Wh S doesn't feel loved 

3. She doesn't acknowledge what 3. He feels taken for granted and 
he does for her but complains unloved because she doesn't appre 
about what he has not done. ciate what he does. 
4. She corrects his behavior and 4. fie feels unloved because he 
tells him what to do, as if he does not feel admired. 
were a child. 
5. She expresses her upset feelings 5. He feels unloved because he 
indirectly with rhetorical questions feels she has taken away her 

like "How could you do that approval of him. He no longer 


feels like the good guy. 

6. When he makes decisions or 6. He feels unloved because she 
takes initiatives she corrects or does not encourage him to do 
criticizes him. things on his own. 

just as women easily make mistakes when they don't understand what men primarily need, 
men also make mistakes. Men generally don't recognize the was s they communicate that are d 
srespectful and unsupportive to women. A man may even know that she is unhappy with him, 
but unless he understands why she feels unloved and what she needs he cannot change his 
approach. Through understanding a woman's primary needs, a man can be more sensitive to 
and respectful of her needs. The following is a list of communication mistakes men make in 
relation to a woman's primary emotional needs. 

Mistakes men make W_ h she doesn't feel loved 

1. He doesn't listen, gets easily 1. She feels unloved because he is 
distracted, doesn't ask interested not attentive or showing that he 
or concerned questions. cares. 
Mistakes men "c Why she ~1 fed loved 

2. He takes her feelings literally 2. She feels unloved because he 
and corrects her. He thinks doesn't understand her. 
she is asking for solutions so he 
gives advice. 

3. He listens but then gets angry 3. She feels unloved because he 
and blames her for upsetting him doesn't respect her feelings. 
or for bringing him down. 
4. He minimizes the importance of 4. She feel s unloved because he is 
her feelings and needs. He not devoted to her and doesn't 
makes children or work more honor her as special. 
important. 

5. When she is upset, he explains 5. She feels unloved because he 
why he is right and why she doesn't validate her feelings but 
should not be upset. 
instead makes her feel wrong and 
unsupported. 

6. After listening he says nothing 
6. She feels insecure because she 
or just walks away. 
doesn't get the reassurance she 
needs. 

WHEN LOVE FAILS 

Love often fads because people instinctively give what they want. Because a woman's primary 
love needs are to be cared for 

, understood, and so forth, she automatically gives her man a lot of caring and understanding. 


To a man this caring support often feels as though she doesn't mist him. Being trusted is his 
primary need, not being m-ed for 

Then, when he doesn't respond positively to her caring she can't understand why he doesn't 
appreciate her brand of support. He, of course, is giving his own brand of love, which isn't 
what she needs. So they are caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other's needs. 

Beth complained, saying, " 1 )ust can't keep giving and not getting back. Arthur doesn't 
appreciate what 1 give. I love him, but he doesn't love me." 

Arthur complained, saying, "Nothing I do is ever good enough. I don't know what to do. I've 
tried everything and she still doesn't love me. 1 love her, but it's just not working." 

Beth and Arthur have been married fo r eight years. They both felt like giving up because they 
didn't feel loved. Ironically, they both claimed to be giving more love than they were getting 
back. Beth believed she was giving more, while Arthur thought he was giving the most. In 
truth they wer e both giving, but neither was getting what they wanted or needed. 

They did love each other, but because they didn't understand their partner's primary needs 
their love wasn't getting through. Beth was giving what she needed to receive while Arthur was 
giving what he wanted. Gradually they burned out. 

Many people give up when relationships become too difficult. Relationships become easier 
when we understand our partner's primary needs. Without giving more but by giving what is 
required we do not bum out. This understanding of the twelve different kinds of love finally 
explains why our sincere loving attempts fail. To fulfill your partner, you need to learn how to 
give the love he or she primarily needs. 

LEARNING TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY 

The number one way a man can succeed in fulfilling a woman's primary love needs is through 
communication. As we have discussed before, communication is particularly Important on 
Venus. By learning to listen to a woman's feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman with 
caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. 

One of the biggest problems men have with listening to women 
is that they become frustrated or angry because they forget that women are from Venus and 
that they are supposed to communicate differently. The chart below outlines some ways to 
remember these differences and makes some suggestions about what to do. 

NOW TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY 

What Lo remembe What to do and what not to 
do 


1 . Remember anger comes from 1. Take responsibility to under 
not understanding her point of stand. Don't blame her for upset 
view, and this is never her fault. ting you. Start again trying 
to understand. 

2. Remember that feelings don't 2. Breathe deeply, don't say any 
always make sense right away, thing! Relax and let go of trying to 
but they're still valid and need control. Try to imagine how you 
empathy. 
would feel if you saw 
the world through her eyes. 


3. Remember that anger may come 3. Don't blame her for not feeling 
from not knowing what to do to better from your solutions. How 
make things better. Even if she can she feel better when solutions 
doesn't immediately feel are not what she needs? Resist the 
better, your listening and under -urge to offer solutions. 
standing are helping. 

4. Remember you don't have to 4. If you wish to express a differing 
agree to understand her point of point of view make sure she is fin 
view or to be appreciated as a ished and then rephrase her point 
good listener. of view before giving your own. 

Do not rais