e your voice. 

5. Remember you don't fully have 
to understand her point of view to 
succeed in being a good listener. 
judge her or imply she can't be 
understood. 

What to remember What to de and what not to de 

6. Remember you are not responsible 
for how she feels. She may sound 
as though she is blaming you, but 
she is really ~ to be understood. 
7. Remember that if she makes 
you really angry she is probably 
mistrusting you. Deep inside her is 
a scared little girl who is afraid of 
opening up and being hurt and 
who needs your kindness and 
compassion. 

5. Let her know you don't under 
stand but want to. Take responsi 
bility for not understanding; don't 
6. Refrain from defending yourself 
until she feels that you understand 
and care. Then it is OK gently to 
explain yourself or to apologize. 
7. Don't argue with her feelings 
and opinions. Take time out and 
discuss things later when there is 
less emotional charge. Practice the 
Love Utter technique as described 
in chapter 11. 
When a man can listen to a woman's feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her 
a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express 
herself, th e more she feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the 
loving trust, acceptance. appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs. 


THE ART OF EMPOWERING A MAN 


just as men need to learn the art of listening to fulfill a woman's primary love needs, women 
need to learn the art of empowerment. When a woman enlists the support of a man, she 
empowers him to be all that he can be. A man feels empowered when he is trusted, accepted, 
appreciated. admired , approved of, and encouraged. 

Like in our story of the knight in shining armor, many women try to help their man by 
improving him but unknowingly weaken or hurt him. Any attempt to change him takes away 
the loving trust. acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that are h's 
primary needs. 

The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him. Certainly you 
may want him to change-just don't 
act on that desire. Only if he directly and specifically asks for advice is he open to assistance in 
changing. 

Give Trust and Not Advice 

On Venus, it is considered a loving gesture to offer advice. But on Mars it is not. Women need 
to remember that Martians do not offer advice unless it directly requested. A way of showing 
love is to trust another Martian to solve his problems on his own. 

This doesn't mean a woman has to squash her feelings. It's OK for her to feel frustrated or even 
angry, as long as she doesn't try to change him. Any attempt to change him is unsupportive and 
counterproductive. 

When a woman loves a man, she often begins trying to improve their relationship. In her 
exuberance she makes him a target for her improvements. She begins a gradual process of 
slowly rehabilitating him. 

Why Men Resist Change 

In a myriad of ways she tries to change him or improve him. She thinks her attempts to change 
him are loving, but he feels controlled, manipulated, rejected, and unloved. He will stubbornly 
reject her because he feels she is rejecting him. When a woman tries to change a man, he is not 
getting the loving trust and acceptance he actually needs to change and grow. 

When 1 ask a room filled with hundreds of women and men they all have had the same 
experience: the more a woman tries to change a man, the more he resists. 

The problem is that when a man resists her attempts to improve him, she misinterprets his 
response. She mistakenly thinks he is not willing to change, probably because he does not love 
her enough. The truth is, however, that he is resistant to changing because he believes he is not 
being loved enough. When a man feels loved, 


trusted, accepted, appreciated, and so forth, automatically he begins to change, grow, and 
improve. 

Two Kinds of Men/One Kind of Behavior 

There are two kinds of men. One will become incredibly defensive and stubborn when a 
woman tries to change him, while the other will agree to change but later will forget and revert 
back to the old behavior. A man either activel y resists or passively resists. 

When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously 
repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the 
behavior until he feels loved and accepted. 

For a man to improve himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting way. Otherwise he defends 
himself and stays the same. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he, on his 
own, will look for ways to improve. 

Men Don't Want to Be Improved 

just as men want to explain why women shouldn't be upset, women want to explain why men 
shouldn't behave the way they do. just as men mistakenly want to "fix" women, women 
mistakenly try to improve" men. 

Men see the world through Martian eyes. Their motto is "don't fix it, If it isn't broken." When a 
woman attempts to change a man, he receives the message that she thinks he is broken. This 
hurts a man and makes him very defensive. He doesn't feel loved and accepted. 

A man needs to be accepted regardless of his imperfections. To accept a person's imperfections 
is not easy,. especially when we see 
how he could become better. It does, however, become easier when we understand that the best 
way to help him grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way. 

The following chart lists ways a woman can support a man in growing and changing by giving 
up trying to change him in any way: 

NOW TO GIVE UP TRYING TO CHANGE A MAN 

What she news to remember Whet she con de 

1. Remember: don't ask him too 1. Ignore that he is upset unless he 
many questions when he is upset wants to talk to you about it. 
or he will feel you are trying to Show some initial concern, but not 
change him. too much, as an invitation to talk. 

2. Remember: give up trying to 2. Trust hirn to grow on his own. 

improve him in any way. He needs Honestly share feelings but with 
your love, not rejection, to grow. out the demand that he change. 

3. Remember: when you offer 3. Practice patience and trust that 
unsolicited advice he may feel mis-he will team on his own what he 
trusted, controlled, or rejected. needs to learn. Wait until he asks 
for your advice. 

4. Remember: when a man 4. Practice showing him that he 
becomes stubborn and resists doesn't have to be perfect to 
change he is not feeling loved; he is deserve your love. Practice forgive 
afraid to admit his mistakes for ness. (See chapter 1 L) 
fear of not being loved. 

5. Remember: if you make sacri-5. Practice doing things for your 
fices hoping he will do the same self and not depending on him to 
for you then he will feel pressured make you happy. 
to change. 

What she me& 19 remember Whet she con do 

6. Remember: you can share nega-6. When sharing feelings, let him 
tive feelings without trying know that you are not trying to 
to change hirn. When he feels 
accepted it is easier for him to 
listen. consideration. 
tell him what to do but that you 
want him to take your feelings into 
7. Remember: if you give hirn 7. Relax and surrender. Practice 
directions and make decisions 
for him he will feel corrected 
accepting imperfection. Make his 
feelings more important than per 

and controlled. 
fection and don't lecture or correct 
him. 

As men and women learn to support each other in the ways that are most important for their 
own unique needs, change and growth will become automatic. With a greater awareness of 
your partner's six primary needs you can redirect your loving support according to their needs 
and make your relationships dramatically easier and more fulfilling. 

Chapter 9 

How to 
Avoid Arguments 

One of the most difficult challenges in our loving relationships is handling differences and 
disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into arguments and 
then without much warning into battles. Suddenly they stop talking in a loving manner and 
automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing, demanding, resenting, 
and doubting. 

Men and women arguing in this way hurt not only their feelings but also their relationship. 


just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the 
most destructive element, because the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be 
bruised. 

For all practical purposes 1 strongly recommend that couples not argue. When two people are 
not sexually in volved it is a lot eas 

]1 15 

ier to remain detached and objective while arguing or debating. But when couples argue who 
are emotionally involved and especially 

sexually involved, they easily take things too personally. 

As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for 
what you want but don't argue. it 

is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting. 

Some couples fight all the time, and gradually their love dies. On 

ti the other extreme, some couples suppress their honest feelings in order to avoid conflict and 
not argue. As a result of suppressing their true feelings they lose touch with their loving 
feelings as well. One couple is having a war while the other is having a cold war. 

It is best for a couple to find a balance between these two extremes. By remembering we are 
from different planets and thus developing good communication skills, it is possible to avoid 
arguments without suppressing negative feelings and conflicting ideas and desires. 

WHA