strategies our intention is to protect 
ourselves from being hurt. Unfortunately, it does not work. What works is to identify 
arguments and stop. Take a time-out to cool off and then come back and talk again. Practice 
communicating with increased understanding and respect for the opposite sex and you will 
gradually learn to avoid arguments and fights. 

WHY WE ARGUE 

Men and women commonly argue about money, sex, decisions, scheduling, values, child 
rearing, and household responsibilities. These discussions and negotiations, however, turn into 
painful arguments for only one reason-we are not feeling loved. Emotional pain comes from 
not feeling loved, and when a person is feeling emotional pain it is hard to be loving. 

Because women are not from Mars, they do not instinctively realize what a man needs in order 
to deal successfully with disagree 

merits. Conflicting ideas, feelings, and desires are a difficult challenge for a man. The closer he 
is to a woman, the harder it is to deal with differences and disagreements. When she doesn't 
like something he has done, he tends to take it very personally and feels she doesn't like him. 

A man can handle differences and disagreements best when his emotional needs are being 
fulfilled. When he is deprived of the love he needs , however, he becomes defensive and his 
dark side begins to emerge; instinctively he draws his sword. 

On the surface he may seem to be arguing about the issue (money, responsibilities, and so 
forth), but the real reason he has drawn his sword is he doesn't feel loved. When a man argues 
about money, scheduling, children, or any other issue, secretly he may be arguing for some of 
the following reasons: 

THE SECRET REASONS MEN ARGUE 

The hidden reason he is arguing 
-- ing What he needs not to argue 
1. "I don't like it when she gets 
upset over the smallest things 1 do 
is 
or don't do. 1 feel criticized, trying to improve him. 
rejected, and unaccepted." 
2. "I don't like it when she starts 
telling me how 1 should do Instead he feels put down. 
things. 1 don't feel admired. 
Instead 1 feel like 1 am being 
1. He needs to feel accepted just 
the way he is. Instead he feels she 
2. He needs to feel admired. 


treated like a child." 

3. "I don't like it when she blames 3. He needs to feel encouraged. 
me for her unhappiness. 1 don't Instead he feels like giving up. 
feel encouraged to be her 
knight in shining armor." 
The hidden reason she is arguing What she me& !g Lo argue 
6. "I don't like it when he doesn't 6. She needs to feel reassured that 
respond to my questions or com-he is listening and that he cam. 
ments. It makes me feel like 1 don't Instead she feels ignored or judged. 
exist. " 

7. "I don't like it when he explains 7. She needs to feel validated and 
why I should not be hurt, worried, understood. Instead she feels 
angry, or anything else. 1 feel inval-unsupported, unloved, and 
idated and unsupported. ~ resentful. 
8. "1 don't like it when he expects 8. She needs to feel respected and 
me to be more detached. It makes cherished, especially when she is 
me feel like it is wrong or weak to sharing her feelings. Instead she 
have feelings." feels unsafe and unprotected. 

Though all these painful feelings and needs are valid, they are generally not dealt with and 
communicated directly. Instead they build up inside and come bursting up during an 
argument. Sometimes they are directly addressed, but usually they come up and are expressed 
through facial expression, body posture, and tone of voice. 

Men and women need to understand and cooperate with their particular sensitivities and not 
resent them. You will he addressing the true problem by trying to cornmunicate in a way that 
fl^ your partner's emotional needs. Arguments can then truly become mutually supportive 
conversations necessary to resolve and negotiate differences and disagreements. 

THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT 

A hurtful argument usually has a basic anatomy. Maybe you can relate to the following 
example. 

My wife and I went on a beautiful walk and picnic. After eating, everything seemed fine until 1 
started talking about possible investments. Suddenly she became upset that 1 would consider 
investing a 

certain portion of our savings in aggressive stocks. From my poin t of view 1 was only 
considering it, but what she heard was that 1 was planning it (without even considering her 
point of view). She became upset that I would do such a thing. 1 became upset with her for 
being upset with me, and we had an argument. 

1 thought she disapproved of my investment choices and argued for their validity. My 


argument however was fueled by my anger that she was upset with me. She argued that 
aggressive stocks were too risky. But really she was upset that 1 would consider this 
investmerit without exploring her ideas on the subject. In addition she was upset that 1 was not 
respecting her right to be upset. Eventually I became so upset that she apologized to me for 
misunderstanding and mistrusting me and we cooled down. 

Later on, after we had made up, she posed this question. She said, "Many times when we argue, 
it seems that 1 get upset about something, and then you get upset that 1 am upset, and then 1 
have to apologize for upsetting you. Somehow 1 think something is missing. Sometimes I 
would like you to tell me you are sorry for upsetting me." 

Immediately 1 saw the logic of her point of view. Expecting an apology from her did seem 
rather unfair, especially when 1 upset her first. This new insight transformed our relationship. 
As 1 shared this experience in my seminars I discovered that thousands of women could 
immediately identify with my wife's experience. It was another common male/female pattern. 
Let's review the basic pattern. 

1. A woman expresses ber upset feelings about "XYZ" 
2. A man explains why she shouldn't be upset about "XYZ." 
3. She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. (She is now more upset about being 
invalidated than about "XYW.") 
4. He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an 
apology before making up. 

5. She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes 
MOM upset and the argument escalates into a battle. 

With a clearer awareness of the anatomy of an argument, 1 was able to solve this problem in a 
fairer way. Remembering that women are from Venus, 1 Practiced not blaming her for being 
upset. Instead I would seek to understand how 1 had upset her and show her that 1 cared. Even 
if she was misunderstanding me, if she felt hurt by me 1 needed to let her know that 1 cared 
and was sorry. 

When she would become upset 1 learned first to listen, then genuinely to try to understand 
what she was upset about, and then to say. "I'm sorry that 1 upset you when 1 said -." The result 
was immediate. We argued much less. 

Sometimes, however, apologizing is very difficult. At those times I take a deep breath and say 
nothing. Inside I try to imagine how she feels and discover the reasons from her point of view. 
Then 1 say, "I'm sorry you feel so upset." Although this is not an apology it does say "I care," 
and that seems to help a lot. 


Men rarely say "I'm sorry" because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you 
are apologizing. Women, however. say I'm sorry" as a way to say "I care about what you are 
feeling 

It doesn't mean they are apologizing for doing something wrong. The men reading this who 
rarely say "I am sorry" can create wonders by learning to use this aspect of the Venusian 
language. The 

easiest way to derail an argument is to say "I'm sorry." 

Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman's feelings and she responds 
to him disapprovingly. Being a man, I've had to learn to practice validating. My wife practiced 
expressing her feelings more direc tly without disapproving of me. The result was fewer fights 
and more love and trust. Without having this new awareness we probably would still be 
having the same arguments. 

inful arguments it is important to recognize how 

To avoid pai 

men unknowingly invalidate and how women unknowingly send messages of disapproval . 

Now Men Unknowingly Start Arguments 

The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman's feelings or point of 
view. Men don't realize how much they invalidate. 

For example, a man may make light of a woman's negative feelings. He might say "Ah, don't 
worry about it." To another man this phrase would seem friendly. But to a female intimate 
partner it is insensitive and hurts. 

In another example, a man might try to resolve a woman's upset by saying "It's not such a big 
deal." Then he offers some practical solution to the problem, expecting her to be relieved and 
happy. He doesn't understand that she feels invalidated and unsupported. She cannot 
appreciate his solution until he validates her need to be upset. 

A very common example is when a man has done something to upset a woman. His instinct is 
to make her feel better by explaining why she shouldn't be upset. He confidently explains that 
he has a Perfectly good, logical, and rational reason for what he did. He has 
no idea that this attitude makes her feel as though she has no right to be upset. When he 
explains himself, the only message she right hear is that he doesn't care about her feelings. 

For her to hear his good reasons, she first needs him to hear her good reasons for being upset. 
He needs to put his explanations on hold and listen with understanding. When he simply starts 


to care about her feelings she will start to feel supported. 

This change in approach takes practice but can be achieved. Generally, when a woman shares 
feelings of frustration, disa