ppointment, or worry every cell in a man's body instinctively reacts 
with a list of explanations and justifications designed to explain away her upset feelings. A 
man never intends to make matters worse. His tendency to explain away feelings is just 
Martian instinct. 

By understanding that his automatic gut reactions in this instance are counterproductive, a man 
can, however, make this shift. Through a growing awareness and his experiences of what 
works with a woman, a man can make this change. 

Now Women Unknowingly Start Arguments 

The most common way women unknowingly start arguments Is by not being direct when they 
share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks 
rhetorical questions and unknowingly (or knowingly) communicates a message of disapproval. 
Even though sometimes this is not the message she wants to give it is generally what a man 
will hear. 

For example, when a man is late, a woman may feel "I don't like waiting for you when you are 
late" or "I was worried that something had happened to you." When he arrives, instead of 
directly sharing her feelings she asks a rhetorical question like "How could you be so late?" or 
"What am 1 supposed to think when 

you're so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" 

Certainly asking someone "Why didn't you call?" is OK if you 

in 1 But when a woman is upset 
are sincerely look' g for a valid reason. S 1 

the tone of her voice often reveals that she not looking for a valid answer but is making the 
point that there is no acceptable reason for bein g late. 

When a man hears a question like "How could you be so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" he 
does not hear her feelings but instead hears her disapproval. He feels her intrusive desire to 
help him be more responsible. He feels attacked and becomes defensive. She has no idea how 
painful her disapproval is to him. 

just as women need validation, men need approval. The more a man loves a woman the more 
he needs her approval. It is always there in the beginning of a relationship. Either she gives 
him the message that she approves of him or he feels confident that he can win her approval. In 
either case the approval is present. 


Even if a woman has been wounded by other men or her father she will still give approval in 
the beginning of the relationship. She may feel "He is a special man, not like others 1 have 
known." 

A woman withdrawing that approval is particularly painful to a man. Women are generally 
oblivious of how they pull away their approval. And when they do pull it away, they feel very 
justified in doing so. A reason for this insensitivity is that women really are unaware of how 
significant approval is for men. 

A woman can, however, learn to disagree with a man's behavior and still approve of who he is. 
For a man to feel loved he needs her to approve of who he is, even if she disagrees with his 
behavior. Generally when a woman disagrees with a man's behavior and she wants to change 
him, she will disapprove of him. Certainly there may be times when she is more approving and 
less approving of him, but to be disapproving is very painful and hurts him. 

Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great 
lengths to prove they don't care. But why do they Immediately become cold, distant, and 
defensive when they lose a woman's approval? Because not getting what they need hurts. 
One of the reasons relationships are so successful In the beginning is that a man is still in a 
woman's good graces. He is still her knight in shining armor. He receives the blessings of her 
approval and, as a result, rides high. But as soon as he begins to disappoint her, he falls from 
grace. He loses her approval. All of a sudden he is cast out into the doghouse. 

A man can deal with a woman's disappointment, but when it is expressed with disapproval or 
rejection he feels wounded by her. Women commonly interrogate a man about his behavior 
with a disapproving tone. They do this because they think it will teach him a lesson. It does 
not. It only creates fear and resentment. And gradually he becomes less and less motivated. 

To approve of a man is to see the good reasons behind what he does. Even when he is 
irresponsible or lazy or disrespectful, if she loves him, a woman can find and recognize the 
goodness within him. To approve is to find the loving intention or the goodness behind the 
outside behavior. 

To treat a man as if he has no good reason for what he does is to withhold the approval she so 
freely gave in the beginning of the relationship. A woman needs to remember that she can still 
give approval even when she disagrees. 

One critical pair of problems from which arguments arise: 

1. The man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view. 
2. Or the woman disapproves of the way the man is talking to her. 
When He Needs Nor Approval do Most 


Most arguments occur not because two people disagree but because 
either the man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view 
or the woman disapproves of the way he is talking to her. She often 
may disapprove of him because he is not validating her point of 

View or speaking to her in a caring way. When men and women learn to approve and validate, 
they don't have to argue. They can discuss and negotiate differences. 

When a man makes a mistake or forgets to do an errand or fulfill some responsibility, a woman 
doesn't realize how sensitive he feels. This is when he needs her love the most. To withdraw 
ber approval at this point causes him extreme pain. She may not even realize she is doing it. 
She may think she is just feeling disappointed, but he feels her disapproval. 

One of the ways women unknowingly communicate disapproval is In their eyes and tone of 
voice. The words she chooses may be loving, but her look or the tone of her voice can wound a 
man. Flis defensive reaction is to make her feel wrong. He invalidates her and justifies himself. 

Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love. If 
he disappoints her, he wants to explain to her why she should not be so upset. He thinks his 
reasons will help her to feel better. What he doesn't know is that if she is upset, what she needs 
most is to be heard and validated. 

NOW TO EXPRESS YOUR DIFFERENCES WITHOUT ARGUING 

Without healthy role models, expressing differences and disagreements can be a very difficult 
task. Most of our parents either did. not argue at all or when they did it quickly escalated into a 
fight. The following chart reveals how men and women unknowingly create arguments and 
suggests healthy alternatives. 

In each of the types of arguments listed below 1 first provide a rhetorical question that a 
woman might ask and then show how a man might interpret that question. Then 1 show how a 
man might 
explain hi self and how a woman could feel invalidated by what 

m she hears. Finally 1 suggest how men and women can express themselves to be more 
supportive and avoid arguments. 

THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT 

1. When He Comes Home Late 
Her rhetorical question The message he bears 
When he arrives late she says The message he hears is "There is 
"How could you be so late?" or no good reason for you to be late! 
.Why didn't you call?" or "What You are irresponsible. 1 would 


am 1 supposed to think?" never be late. 1 am better than you." 

What he explains The message she bears 

When he arrives late and she is What she hears is "You shouldn't 
upset he explains "There was a lot be upset because 1 have these good 
of traffic on the bridge- or "Some-and logical reasons for being late. 
times life can't be the way you Anyway my work is more impor 
want" or "You can't expect me to tant than you, and you are too 

always be on time." demanding!" 

New she to be less disapproving Now h ion h more validating 

She could say " I really don't He says "I was late, I'm sorry I 
like it when you are late. It is upset you." Most important is to 
upsetting to me. 1 would really j . ust listen without explaining 
much. 
appreciate a call next time Try to understand and validate 
you are going to be late." what she needs to feel loved. 

2. When He Forgets Something 
Her rhetorical question The message !Le hears 
When he forgets to do something, The message he hears is "There is 

she says "How could you no good reason for forgetting. You 

forget?" or "When will you are stupid and can't he trusted. I 
ever remember?" or "How am 1 give so much more to this relation 
supposed to trust you?" ship. " 

What he explains_The message _she hors 

When he forgets to do something What she hears is "You shouldn't 
and she gets upset he explains "I get so upset over such trivial mat 
was real busy and just forgot. ters. You are being too demanding 
These things just happen some-and your response is irrational. 
times" or "It's not such a big deal. Try to be more realistic. You live 
It doesn't mean 1 don't care." in a fantasy world." 

Now she con he less disapprovin g Now he con he more validating 

If she is upset, she could say "I........................... He says "I did forget Are you 


don't like it when you forget." She angry with me?" Then let her talk 


could also take another effective 
approach and simply not mention 
that he has forgotten something 
and just ask again, saying "I would 

appreciate it if you would 

(He will know he has forgotten.) 

without making her wrong for 
being angry. As she talks she will 
realize she is being heard and soon 
she will feel very appreciative of 

" him. 

3. When He Returns from His Cove 
Her rhetorical question The message he bears 
When he comes back from his 
cave, she says "How could you be