 . 
so unfeeling and cold?" or "How 

do 
you expect me to react?" or 

"How am I supposed to know 

The message he hears is "There 'S 
no good reason for pulling away 
from me. You are cruel and unlov


rig. You are the wrong man for 
me. You have hurt me so much 

what's going on inside you?" more than 1 have ever hurt you." 

~!LO *IM$ -TW m$ she bears 
When he comes back from his What she hears is "You shouldn't 
cave and she is upset he explains "I feel hurt or abandoned, and if you 
needed some time alone, it was do, 1 have no empathy for you. 
only for two days. What is the big You are too needy and controlling. 
deal?" or "I didn't do anything to 1 will do whatever 1 want, 1 don't 
you. Why does it upset you so?" care about, your feelings." 
New she Lo- im less disapproving How he im S wu@ 
Validating 
If it upsets her she could say "I He says "I understand it hurts when 
know you need to pull away at I pull away. It must be very painful 
times but it still hurts when you pull for you when I pull away. Let's talk 
away. I'm not saying you are wrong about it." (When she feels heard 
but it is important to me for you to then it is easier for her to accept his 
understand what I go through." need to pull away at times.) 

4. Men He Disappoints Nor 
Her rhetorical question The message he hors 
When he disappoints her, she says The message he hears is "There is 
"How could you do this?" or "Why no good reason for disappointing 
can't you do what you say you are go-me. You are an idiot. You can't do 


ing to do?'' or "Didn't you say you would anything right. 1 can't be happy 
do it?" or "When will you ever learn?" until you change!" 
Mat he explains The message she hears 
When she is disappointed with What she hears is "If you are upset 
him, he explains "Hey, next time it is your fault. You should be 
I'll get. it right" or "It's not such a more flexible. You shouldn't get 
big deal" or "But 1 didn't know upset, and 1 have no empathy for 
what you meant." you. 

Now she con he less disapproving Now !M Lon h more valida 

If she is upset she could say "I He says "I understand 1 disap 
don't like being disappointed. 1 pointed you. Let's talk about it 
thought you were going to call. It's How did you feel?" Again let her 
OK and 1 need you to know how it talk. Give ber a chance to be heard 

feels when you 

a 
..................... 
..................... 
..................... 
..................... 


" and she will feel better. After 

while say to her "What do you 
need from me now to feel my sup 
Port?" or "How can 1 support you 
now?" 

5. When He Doesn't Respect Her Feelings and Hurts Her 
1 Her rhetorical question _The message h bears 

When he doesn't respect her feel ings 
and hurts her. she says "How 
could you say that?" or "How 
could you treat me this way?" or 
"Why can't you listen to me?" or 
"Do you even care about me any more?" 
or "Do 1 treat you this way?" 

What he explains The message she bears 

When he doesn't respect ber feel ings 
and she gets even more upset, 
he explains "Look, 1 didn't mean 
that" or "I do listen to you; see 1 
am doing so right now" or "I 
don't always ignore you" or "I am 

not laughing at you." 

The message he hears is "You are 
a bad and abusive person. 1 am so 
much more loving than you. 1 will 
never forgive you for this. You 
should be punished and cast out. 
This is all your fault." 

What she hears is "You have no 
right to be upset. You are not 
making any sense. You are too 
sensitive, something is wrong with 
you. You are such a burden." 


Now she can h less disapproving Now h ion !Le more 
validating 
She could say "I don't like the way He says "I'm sorry, you don't 
You are talking to me. Please stop" deserve to be treated that way.-or 
"You are being mean and I Take a deep breath and just listen 
don't appreciate it. I want to take a to her response. She may carry on 
time-out" or "This is not the way I and say something like "You never 
wanted to have this conversation. listen." When she pauses, say 
Let's start over" or "I don't "You are right. Sometimes 1 don't 
deserve to be treated this way. I listen. I'm sorry, you don't deserve 

want to take a time-out" or ........................ to be treated that way Let's 


"Would you please not interrupt" start over. This time we will do it 
or "Would you please listen to better." Starting a conversation 
what 1 am saying." (A man can over is an excellent way to keep an 
respond best to short and direct argument from escalating. If she 
statements. Lectures or questions doesn't want to start over don't 

are counterproductive.) 
make her feel wrong. Remember, 
if you give her the right to be upset 
then she will be more accepting 
and approving. 

6. When He Is in a Hurry and She Doesn't Like It 
Her rhetorical question The message he bears 

She complains "Why are weThe message he hears is "There is 
always in a hurry?" or "Why do no good reason for this rushing! 
you always h ave to rush places?" You never make me happy. 


Nothing will ever change you. You 
are incompetent and obviously 
you don't care about me." 

What he explains The messe she bears 
He explains "it's not so bad" or What she hears is "You have no 
"This is the way it has always right to complain. You should be 
been" or "There is nothing we can grateful for what you have and not 
do about it now" or "Don't worry be such a dissatisfied and unhappy 

so much; it will be fine. ---person. There is no good reason to 
complain, you are bringing every 
one down." 

Now she con he less disapproving New he can he more 
validatin 


if she feels upset she can say "It's 
OK that we are rushing and I 
don't like it. It feels like we're 
always rushing" or "I love it when 
we are not in a hurry and 1 hate it 
sometimes when we have to rush, 1 
just don't like it. Would you plan 
our next trip with fifteen minutes 

He says "I don't like it either. I 
wish we could just slow down. It 
feels so crazy.---In this example he 
has related to her feelings. Even if 
a part of him likes to rush, he can 
best support her in her moment of 
frustration by expressing how 
some part of himself sincerely 

of extra time?" relates to her frustration. 

7. When She Feels Invalidated in a ConversationHer rhetorical question _The message _he 
hears 

When she feels unsupported or 
invalidated in a conversation, she 
says "Why did you say that?" or 
"Why do you have to talk to me 
this way?" or "Don't you even 
care about what I'm saying?" or 

"How can you say that?" 

The message he hears is "There is 
no good reason for treating me this 
way. Therefore you do not love 
me. You do not care. 1 give you so 
much and you give back nothing!" 

What he explains Th e message she bears 

When she feels invalidated and 
gets upset, he explains "But you 
are not making sense" or "But that 
is not what 1 said" or "I've hea rd 

What she hears is "You have no 
right to be upset. You are irra 
tional and confused. 1 know what 
is right and you don't. I am supe 

all this before." rior to you. You cause these argu 

ments, not me." 
how she to h less disapproving Now he con he more 
validating 
She could say "I don't like what He says "I'm sorry it's not com 
You are saying. It feels as if you are fortable for you. What are you 
judging me. 1 don't deserve that. hearing me say?" By giving her a 
Please understand me" or "I've chance to reflect back what she has 
had a hard day. 1 know this is not heard then he can again say "I'm 
ah your fault. And 1 need you to sorry. 1 understand why you didn't 
understand what I'm feeling.like it." Then simply pause. This is 
OM" or she can simply overlook a time to listen. Resist the tempta 
his comments and ask for what she tion to explain to her that she is 
wants, saying "I am in such a bad misinterpreting what you said. 
mood, would you listen to me for Once the hurt is there it needs to be 
a while? It will help me feel so heard if it is to be healed. 
much better." (Men need lots of Explanations are helpful only after 
encouragement to listen.) the hurt is healed with some vali 


dation and caring understanding. 
GIVING SUPPORT AT DIFFICULT TIMES 

Any relationship has difficult times. They may occur for a variety of reasons, like loss of a job, 
death, illness, or just not enough rest. At these difficult times the most important thing is to try 
to communicate with a loving, validating, and approving attitude. In addition we need to 
accept and understand that we and our partners will not always be perfect. By learning 
successfully to communicate in response to the smaller upsets in a relationship it becomes 
easier to deal with the bigger challenges when they suddenly appear. 

In each of the above examples 1 have placed the woman in the role of being upset with the man 
for something he did or didn't do. Certainly men can also be upset with women, and any of my 
suggestions listed above apply equally to both sexes. If you are in a relationship, asking y our 
partner how he or she would respond to the suggestions listed above is a useful exercise. 

Take some time when you are not upset with your partner to discover what words work best 
for them and share what works best for you. Adopting a few "prearranged agreed-upon 
statements" can be immensely helpful to neutralize tension when conflict arises. 

Also, remember that no matter how correct your choice of words, the feeling behind your 
words counts most. Even if you were to use the exact phrases listed above, if your partner didn't 
feel your 

love, validation, and approval the tension would continue to increase. As 1 mentioned before, 
sometimes the best solution for avoiding conflict is to see it coming and lie 