ring her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix -It cap and offers her a 
solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn't appreciate this gesture of 
love. No matter how many times she tells him that he's not listening, he doesn't get it and keeps 
doing the same thing. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions. 

The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always 
trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in 


growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-Improvement 
committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she 
persists-waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she's 
nurturing him, while he feels he's being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance. 

These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and 
why women seek to improve. Let's pre 
tend to go back in time, where by observing life on Mars and Venus --beforethe planets 
discovered one another or came to Earth -we can gain some insights into men and women. 

WE ON MARS 

Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things 
to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined through 
their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and 
accomplishment. 

Everything on Mars is a reflection of these values. Even their dress is designed to reflect their 
skills and competence. Police officers, soldiers, businessmen, scientists, cab drivers, 
technicians, and chefs all wear uniforms or at least hats to reflect their competence and power. 

They don't read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned 
with outdoor activities, like huntM fishing, and racing cars. They are interested m the news, 
weather, and sports and couldn't care less about romance novels and self-help books. 

They are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than people and feelings. Even today 
on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster 
computers, gadgets, gizmos, and new more powerful technology Men are preoccupied with the 
"things" that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals. 

Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his 
competence and thus feel good about himself. And fo r him to feel good about himself he must 
achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can't achieve them for hirn. Martians 

pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, 
power, and competence. 

Understanding this Martian characteristic can help women understand why men resist so much 
being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that 
he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, 
because the issue of competence is so very important to them. 

Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems 
unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: "Why involve someone else when I can do it by 
myself?" He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a 


solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness. 

However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will 
find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is 
an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he 
puts on his Mr. FIX -It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice. 

This Martian custom Is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk 
about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the 
problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts 
on his Mr. Fix-It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to 
help. 

He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels 
he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems. 

Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to 
be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being 
rejected and he feels increasingly useless. 

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does 
not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution. 

LIFE ON VENUS 

Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. 
They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is 
defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience 
fulfillment through sharing and relating. 

Everything on Venus reflects these values. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, 
the Venusians are more concerned w ith living together in harmony, community, and loving 
cooperation. Relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their 
world is the opposite of Mars. 

They do not wear uniforms like the Martians (to reveal their competence). On the contrary, they 
enjoy wearing a different outfit every day, according to how they are feeling. Personal 
expression, especially of their feelings, is very important. They may even change outfits several 
times a day as their mood changes. 

Communication is of primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more 
important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of 
tremendous fulfillment. 

This is hard for a man to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman's 


experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a 
race, achieves a goal, or solves a problem. 

instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with 
expressing their goodness, love, and caring. Two Martians go to lunch to discuss a project or 
business goal; they have a problem to solve. In addition, Martians view going to a restaurant as 
an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For 
Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support 
to and receiving support from a friend. Women's restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, 
almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient. 

On Venus, everyone studies psychology and has at least a master's degree in counseling. They 
are very involved in personal growth, spirituality, and everything that can nurture life, healing, 
and growth. Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers, and restaurants. 

Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of 
anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and 
feelings of other s. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian 
without being asked. 

Because proving one's competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not 
offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended 
because when a woman offers advice he doesn't feel she mists his ability to do it himself. 

A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her 
hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a 
man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved. 

On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that 
when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve 
things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest 
how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love. 

Mars is very different. Martians are more solution oriented. If 
something is working, their motto is don't change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is 
working. "Don't fix it unless it is broken" is a common expression. 

When a woman tries to improve a man. he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the 
message that he is broken. She doesn't realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate 
him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow. 

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE 

Without this insight into the nature of men, it's very easy for a woman unknowingly and 
unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most. 


For example, Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. After about twenty 
minutes and going around the same block a few times, it was dear to Mary that Tom was lost. 
She finally suggested that he call for help. Tom became very silent. They eventually arrived at 
the party, but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening Mary had no idea of 
why he was so upset. 

From her side she was saying "I love and care about you, so I am offering you this help." 

From his side, he was offended. What he heard was "I don't trust you to get us there. You are 
incompetent!" 

Without knowing about life on Mars, Mary could not appreciate how important it was for Tom 
to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. As we have 
explored, Martians