low for a while. 
Take a time-out to center yourself so that you can then come together again with greater 
understanding, acceptance, validation, and approval. 

Making some of these changes may at first feel awkward or even manipulative. Many people 
have the idea that love means "sayin g it like it is." This overly direct approach, however, does 
not take into account the listener's feelings. One can still be honest and direct about feelings 
but express them in a way that doesn't offend or hurt. By practicing some of the suggestions 
listed above, you will be stretching and exercising your ability to communicate in a more caring 
and trusting manner. After a while it will become more automatic. 

If you are presently in a relationship and your partner is attempting to apply some of the above 
suggestions, keep in mind that they are trying to be more supportive. At first their expressions 
may seem not only unnatural but insincere. It is not possible to change a lifetime of 
conditioning in a few weeks. Be careful to appreciate their every step; otherwise they may 
quickly give up. 

AVOIDING ARGUMENTS THROUGH LOVING COMMUNICATION 

Emotionally charged arguments and quarrels can be avoided if we 


can understand what our partner needs and remember to gi ve it. 
The following story illustrates how when a woman communicates 
directly her feelings and when a man validates those feelings an 
argument can be avoided. 

1 remember once leaving for a vacation with my wife. As we drove off in the car and could 
finally relax from a hectic week, I expected Bonnie to b e happy that we were going on such a 
great vacation. Instead she gave a heavy sigh and said, "I feel like my life is a long, slow 
torture." 

1 paused, took a deep breath, and then replied, "I know what you mean, I feel like they are 
squeezing every ounce of life out of me." As I said this 1 made a motion as if 1 were wringing 
the water out of a rag. 

Bonnie nodded her head in agreement and to my amazement she suddenly smiled and then 
changed the subject. She started talking about how excited she was to go on this trip. Six years 
ago this would not have happened. We would have had an argument and 1 would have 
mistakenly blamed it on her. 

1 would have been upset with her for saying her life was a long, slow torture. 1 would have 
taken it personally and felt that she was complaining about me. 1 would have become 
defensive and explained that our life was not a torture and that she should be grateful that we 
were going on such a wonderful vacation. Then we would have argued and had a long, 
torturous vacation. All this would have happened because 1 didn't understand and validate her 
feelings. 

This time, I understood she was just expressing a passing feeling. It wasn't a statement 
about me. Because I understood this 1 didn't get defensive. By my comment about being wrung 
out she felt completely validated. In response, she was very accepting of me and 1 felt her love, 
acceptance, and approval. Because 1 have learned to validate her feelings, she got the love she 
deserved. We didn't have an argument. 
Chapter 10 

Scoring Points with 
the Opposite Sex 

A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her, like 
buying her a new car or taking her on a vacation. He assumes he scores less when he does 
something small, like opening the car door, buying her a flower, or giving her a hug. Based on 
this kind of score keeping, he believes he will fulfill her best by focusing his time, energy, and 
attention into doing something large for her. This formula, however, doesn't work because 
women keep score differently. 

When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; 
each gift has equal value. Its size doesn't matter; it gets a point. A man, however, thinks he 
scores one point for one small gift and thirty points for a big gift. Since he doesn't understand 
that women keep score differently, he naturally focuses his energies into one or two big gifts. 
A man doesn't realize that to a woman the little things are just as important as the big things. In 
other words, to a woman, a single rose gets as many points as paying the rent on time. Without 


understanding this basic difference in score keeping, men and women are continually 
frustrated and disappointed in their relationships. 

The following case illustrates this: 

In counseling, Pam said, "I do so much for Chuck and he ignores me. All he cares about is his 
work." 

Chuck said, "But my work pays for our beautiful house and allows us to go on vacations. She 
should be happy." 

Pam replied, "I don't care about this house or the vacations if we are not loving each other. I 
need more from you." 

Chuck said, "You make it sound like you give so much more." 

Pam said, "I do. 1 am always doing things for you. I do the wash, fix the meals, clean the 
house-everything. You do one thing-you go to work, which does pay the bills. But then you 
expect me to do every. thing else." 

Chuck is a successful doctor. Like most professionals his work is very time consuming but very 
profitable. He couldn't understand why his wife, Pam, was so discontent. He earned a "good 
living" and he provided a "good life" for his wife and family, but when he came home his wife 
was unhappy. 

In Chuck's mind, the more money he made at work, the less he needed to do at, home to fulfill 
his wife. He thought his hefty paycheck at the end of the month scored him at least thirty 
points. When he opened his own clinic and doubled his income, he assumed he was now 
scoring sixty points a month. He had no idea that his paycheck earned him only one point each 
month with Pam-no matter how big it was. 

Chuck did not realize that from Pam's point of view, the more 

he earned, the less she got. His new clinic required more time and energy. To pick up the slack 
she began to do even more to manage their personal life and relationship. As she gave more, 
she felt as if she was scoring about sixty points a month to his one. This made her very 
unhappy and resentful. 

Pam felt she was giving much more and getting less. From Chuck's point of view he was now 
giving more (sixty points) and should get more from his wife. In his mind the score was even. 
He was satisfied with their relationship except for one thing-she wasn't happy. He blamed her 
for wanting too much. To him, his increased payc equaled what she was giving. This attitude 
made Pam even more angry. 

After listening to my relationship course on tape, both pam and Chuck were able to let go of 


their blame and solve their problem with love. A relationship headed for divorce was 
transformed. 

Chuck learned that doing little things for his wife made a big difference. He was amazed at 
how quickly things changed when he started devoting more time and energy to her. He began 
to appreciate that for a woman little things are just as important as big things. He now 
understood why his work scored only one point. 

Actually, Pam had good reason to be unhappy. She truly needed Chuck's personal energy, 
effort, and attention much more than their wealthy lifestyle. Chuck discovered that by 
spending less energy making money and devoting just a little more energy in the right 
direction. his wife would be much happier. He recognized that he had been working longer 
hours in hopes of making her happier. Once he understood how she kept score, he could come 
home with a new confidence because he knew how to make her happy. 

LITTLE THINGS MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE 

There are a variety of ways a man can score points with his partner without having to do much. 
It is just a matter of redirecting the energy and attention he is already giving. Most men already 
know about many of these things but don't bother to do them because 
they don't realize how important the little things are to a woman. A man truly believes the little 
things are insignificant when compared to the big things he is doing for h er. 

Some men may start out in a relationship doing the little things, but having done them once or 
twice they stop. Through some mysterious instinctive force, they begin to focus their energies 
into doing one big thing for their partners. They then neglect to do all the little things that are 
necessary for a woman to feel fulfilled in the relationship. To fulfill a woman, a man needs to 
understand what she needs to feel loved and supported. 

The way women score points is not just a preference but a true need. Women need many 
expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved. One or two expressions of love, no matter 
how important, will not, and cannot, fulfill her. 

This can be extremely hard for a man to understand. One way to look at it is to imagine that 
women have a love tank similar to the gas tank on a car. It needs to be filled over and over 
again. Doing many little things (and scoring many points) is the secret for filling a woman's 
love tank. A woman feels loved when her love tank is full. She is able to respond with greater 
love, trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Lots of little 
things are needed to top off her tank. 

Following is a list of 101 of the little ways a man can keep his partner's love tank full. 

10 1 WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN 

1. Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug. 

2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was 
planning to do (e.g., "How did your appointment with the doctor go?"). 
3. Practice listening and asking questions. 
4. Resist the temptation to solve her problemsempathize instead. 
5. Give her twenty minutes of unsolicited, quality attention (don't read the n