 equally needed-big and small. To avoid creating resentment, practice doing 
some of the little things that make a big difference. Do not expect a woman to be satisfied 
unless she gets an abundance of little expressions of love as well as the big. 

For Women: Remember that men are from Mars; they are not automatically motivated to do the 


little things. They give less not because they do not love you but because they believe they 
have already given their share. Try not to take it personally. Instead, repeatedly encourage their 
support by asking for more. Don't wait ,until you desperately need his support or until the 
score is greatly uneven to ask. Don't demand his support; trust that he wants to support YOU, 
even if he needs a little encouragement. 

2. Venusians Idealize Unconditional Love. A woman gives as much as she can and only notices 
that she has received less when she is empty and spent. Women don't start out keeping score 
like men do; women give freely and assume men will do the same. 
As we have seen, men are not the same. A man gives freely until the score, as he perceives it, 
gets uneven, and then he stops giving. A man generally gives a lot and then sits back to receive 
what he has given. 

When a woman is happy giving to a man, he instinctively assumes she is keeping score and he 
must have more points. The last thing he would consider is that he has given less. From his 
vantage point he would never continue giving when the score became uneven in his favor. 

He knows that if he is required to give more when he feels he has already given a greater 
amount, he will definitely not smile when he gives. Keep this in mind. When a woman 
continues to give freely with a smile on her face, a man assumes the score must be somewhat 
even. He does not realize that Venusians have the uncanny ability to give happily until the 
score is about thirty to zero. These insights also have practical applications for both men and 
women: 

For Men: Remember that when a woman gives with a smile on her face it doesn't necessarily 
mean the score is close to even. 

For Women: Remember that when you give freely to a man, he gets the message the score is 
even. If you want to motivate him to give more, then gently and gracefully stop giving more. 
Allow him to do little things for you. Encourage him by asking for his support in little ways 
and then appreciating him. 

3. Martians Give When They Are~ Martians pride themselves in being selfsufficient. They don't 
ask for help unless they really need it. On Mars it is rude to offer help unless you are first 
asked. 
Quite the opposite, Venusians don't wait to offer their support. When they love someone, they 
give in any way they can. They do not wait to be asked, and the more they love someone the 
more they give. 

When a man doesn't offer his support a woman mistakenly assumes he doesn't love her. She 
may even test his love by definitely 
not asking for his support and waiting for him to offer it. When he doesn't offer to help, she 
resents him. She does not understand that he is waiting to be asked. 


As we have seen, keeping the score even is important to a man. When a man feels he has given 
more in a relationship, he will instinctively begin to ask for more support; he naturally feels 
more entitled to receive and starts asking for more. On the other hand, when he has given less 
in a relationship, the last thing he is going to do is ask for more. Instinctively he will not ask 
for support but will look for ways that he might give more support. 

When a woman doesn't ask for support, a man mistakenly assumes the score must be even or 
that he must be giving more. He does not know that she is waiting for him to offer his support. 

This third insight has practical applications for both men and women 

For Women: Remember that a man looks for cues telling him when and how to give more. He 
waits to be asked. He seems to get the necessary feedback only when she is asking for more or 
telling him he needs to giv e more. In addition, when she asks, he knows what to give. Many 
men don't know what to do. Even if a man senses he is giving less, unless she specifically asks 
for support in the little ways, he may devote even more of his energy to big things like work, 
thinking that greater success or more money will help. 

For Men: Remember that a woman instinctively does not ask for support when she wants it. 
Instead, she expects you to offer it if you love her. Practice offering to support her in little ways. 

4. Venusians Say Yes Even When the Score Is Uneven Men don't realize that when they ask for 
support, a woman will say yes even if the score is uneven. If they can support their man, they 
will. The concept of keeping score is not on her mind. Men have to be careful not to ask for too 
much. If she feels she is giving more than she is getting, after a while she will resent that you 
do not offer to support her more. 
Men mistakenly assume that as long as she says yes to his needs 

and requests, she is receiving equally what she wants. He mistakenly assumes the score is even 
when it isn't. 

I remember taking my wife to the movies about once a week for the first two years of our 
marriage. One day she became furious with me and said, "We always do what you want to do. 
We never do what 1 want to do." 

1 was genuinely surprised. I thought that as long as she said yes and continued to say yes that 
she was equally happy with the situation. I thought she liked the movies as much as I did. 

Occasionally she would suggest to me that the opera was in town or that she would like to go to 
the symphony. When we drove by the local playhouse, she would make a remark like 'That 
looks like fun, let's see that play." 

But then later in the week 1 would say, "Let's go to this movie, it's got a great review." 


And she would happily say, "OK." 

Mistakenly, I got the message that she was as happy as 1 was about going to the movies. In 
truth she was happy to be with me, the movie was OK, but what she wanted w as to go to the 
local cultural events. That is why she kept mentioning them to me. But because she kept saying 
yes to the movies, 1 had no idea that she was sacrificing her wants to make me happy. 

This insight has practical applications for both men and women. 

For Men: Remember that if she says yes to your requests, it doesn't mean the score is even. The 
score may be twenty to zero 'm her mind and she will still happily say "Sure I'll pick up your 
clothes at the cleaners" or "OK, I'll make that call for y ou." 

Agreeing to doing what you want doesn't mean that it 'S what she wants. Ask her what she 
wants to do. Collect information about what she likes, and then offer to take her to those 
places. 

For Women: Remember that if you immediately say yes to a man's requests, he gets the idea 
that he has given more or that the score is at least even. If you are giving more and getting less, 
stop saying yes to his requests. Instead, in a graceful way, begin asking him to do more for you. 

S. Martians Give Penalty Poin ts. Women don't realize that men give penalty points when they 
feel unloved and unsupported. When a woman reacts to a man in an untrusting, rejecting, 
disapproving, or unappreciative way, he gives minus or penalty points. 
For example, if a man feels hurt or unloved because his wife has failed to appreciate something 
he's done, he feels justified in taking away the points she has already earned. If she has given 
ten, when he feels hurt by her, he may react to her* by taking away her ten points. If he is more 
hurt he may even give her a negative twenty. As a result she now owes him ten points, when a 
minute before she had ten points. 

This is very confusing to a woman. She may have given the equivalent of thirty points, and 
th en in one angry moment he takes them away. In his mind he feels justified in not giving 
anything because she owes him. He thinks it is fair. This may be fair mathematically, but it is 
not really fair. 

Penalty points are destructive to relationships. They make a woman feel unappreciated and a 
man less giving. If he negates in his mind all the loving support she has given, when she does 
express some negativity, which is bound to happen occasionally, he then loses his motivation 
to give. He becomes passive. This fifth insight has practical applications for both men and 
women. 

For Men: Remember that penalty points are not fair and do not work. At moments when you 
feel unloved, offended, or hurt, forgive her and remember all the good she has given rather 
than penalize her by negating it all. Instead of punishing her, ask her for the support you want, 


and she will give it. Respectfully let her know how she has hurt you. Let her know how she has 
hurt you and then give her an opportunity to apologize. Punishment does not work! You will 
feel much better by giving her a chance to give you what you need. Remember she is a 
Venusian-she doesn't know what you need or how she hurts you. 

For Women: Remember that men have this tendency to give penalty points. There are two 
approaches to protect yourself from this abuse. 
The first approach is to recognize that he is wrong in taking away your points. In a respectful 
way let him know how you feel. In the next chapter we will explore ways to express difficult or 
negative feelin gs. 

The second approach is to recognize he takes away points when he feels unloved and hurt and 
he immediately gives them back when he feels loved and supported. As he feels more and 
more loved for the little things he does, he will gradually give penalty points less and less. Try 
to understand the different ways he needs love so that he doesn't get hurt as much. 

When you are able to recognize how he has bee