n hurt, let him know that you are sorry. Most 
important, then give him the love he didn't get. If he feels unappreciated, give him the 
appreciation he needs; if he feels rejected or m anipulated, give him the acceptance he needs; if 
he feels mistrusted, give him the trust he needs; if he feels put down, give him the admiration 
that he needs; if he feels disapproval, give him the approval he needs and deserves. When a 
man feels loved he will quit using penalty points. 

The most difficult part of the above process is knowing what hurt him. For the most part, when 
a man withdraws into his cave, he doesn't know what hurt him. Then, when he comes out, he 
generally doesn't talk about it. How is a woman supposed to know what actually hurts his 
feelings? Reading this book and understanding how men need love differently is a good 
beginning and gives you an edge that women have never had before. 

The other way a woman can learn what happened is through communication. As 1 have 
mentioned before, the more a woman is able to open up and share her feelings in a respectful 
way, the more a man is able to learn to open up and share his hurt and pain. 

NOW MEN GIVE POINTS 

Men give points differently from women. Every time a woman 

appreciates what a man has done for her, he feels loved and gives her a point in return. To keep 
the score even in a relationship, a man 
really doesn't require anything but love. Women don't realize the power of their love and many 
times unnecessarily seek to earn a man's love by doing more things for him than they want to 
do. 

When a woman appreciates what a man does for her, he gets much of the love he needs. 
Remember, men primarily need appreciation. Certainly a man also requires equal participation 


from a woman in doing the domestic duties of day-to-day life, but if he is not appreciated, then 
her contribution is nearly meaningless and completely unimportant to him. 

Similarly, a woman cannot appreciate the big things a man does for her unless he is also doing 
a lot of little things. Doing a lot of litde things fulfills her primary needs to feel cared for, 
understood, and respected. 

A major source of love for a man is the loving reaction that a woman has to his behavior. He 
has a love tank too, but his is not necessarily filled by what she does for him. Instead it is 
mainly filled by how she reacts to him or how - she feels about him. 

When a woman prepares a meal for a man, he gives her one point or ten points, depending on 
how she is feeling toward hirn. If a woman secretly resents a man, a meal she may cook for him 
will mean very litde to him-he may even give minus points because she was resenting him The 
secret to fulfilling a man lies m learning to express love through your feelings, not necessarily 
through your actions. 

Philosophically speaking, when a woman feels loving, her behavior will automatically express 
that love. When a man expresses himself in loving behavior, automatically his feelings will 
follow' and become more loving. 

Even if a man is not feeling his love for a woman, he can still decide to do something loving for 
her. If his offering is received and 

appreciated, then he will begin to feel his love for her again. Doing" is an excellent way to 
prime a man's love pump. 

However, women are very different. A woman generally does not feel loved if she doesn't feel 
cared about, understood, or respected. Making a decision to do something more for her partner 
Will not help her feel more loving. Instead it may actually fuel her resentment. When a woman 
is not feeling her loving feelings, she needs to focus her energies directly on healing her 
negative feelings and definitely not on doing more. 

A man needs to prioritize "loving behavior," for this will ensure that his partner's love needs 
are met. It will open her heart and also open his heart to feel more loving. A man's heart opens 
as he succeeds in fulfilling a woman. 

A woman needs to prioritize "loving attitudes and feelings." which will ensure that her 
partner's love needs are fulfilled. As a woman is able to express loving attitudes and feelings 
toward a man, he feels motivated to give more. This then assists her in opening her heart even 
more. A woman's heart opens more as she is able to get the support she needs. 

Women are sometimes unaware of when a man really needs love. At such times a woman can 
score twenty to thirty points. These are some examples: 


NOW WOMEN CAN SCORE BIG WITH MEN 

What happens Points he gives her 

1. He makes a mistake and she 
doesn't say "I told you so" or 
offer advice. 10-20 
2. He disappoints her and she 
doesn't punish hirn. 10-20 
3. He gets lost while driving and 
she doesn't make a big deal 
out of it. 10-20 
What happens PM$ he *Les 
ber 

4. He gets lost and she sees the 
good in the situation and says 
"We would never have seen this 
beautiful sunset if we had taken 
the most direct route." 20-30 
5. He forgets to pick up something 
and she says It's OK. Would you 
do it next time you are out?" 10-20 
6. He forgets to pick up something 
again and she says with trusting 
patience and persistence It's OK. 
Would you still get it?" 20-30 
7. When sh e has hurt him and she 
understands his hurt, she apolo 
gizes and gives him the love 
he needs. 10-40 
8. She asks for his support and he 
says no and she is not hurt by his 
rejection but trusts that he would 
if he could. She does not reject 
him or disapprove of him. 10-20 
9. Another time she asks for his 
support and he again says no. 
She does not make him feel 
wrong but accepts his limitations 
at that time. 20-30 
10. She asks for his support without 
being demanding when he assu mes 
the score is somewhat even. 1-5 
11. She asks for support without 
being demanding when she is upset or 


he knows she has been giving more. 10 -30 
What ~S Pews he *05 

12. When he withdraws she doesn't 
make him feel guilty~ 10-20 
13. When he comes back from his 
cave she welcomes him and 
doesn't punish him or reject him. 10-20 
14. When he apologizes for a mistake 
and she receives it with loving 
acceptance and forgiveness. The 
bigger the mistake he makes the 
more points he gives. 10-50 
15. When he asks her to do something 
and she says no without giving a 
list of reasons why she can't do it. 1-10 
16. When he asks her to do something 
and she says yes and stays in a 
good mood. 1-10 
17. When he wants to make up after a 
fight and starts doing little things 
for her and she starts appreciating 
him again. 10-30 
18. She is happy to see him when he 
gets home. 10-20 
19. She feels disapproving and 
instead of expressing it she goes in 
another room and privately centers 
h erself and then comes back with a 
more centered and loving heart. 10-20 
20. On special occasions she overlooks 
his mistakes that might normally 
upset her. 20-40 
21. She really enjoys having sex with 
him. 10-40 

What h~$ Points he "S her 

22. He forgets where he put his keys 
and she doesn't look at him as 
though he was irresponsible. 
10-20 

23. She is tactful or graceful in express 
ing her dislike or disappointment 
about a restaurant or movie when 

on a date. 10-20 

24. She doesn't give advice when he is 
driving or parking the car and then 
appreciates him for getting them 
there. 10-20 
25. She asks for his support rather than 
dwelling on what he has done 
wrong. 10-20 
26. She shares her negative feelings in a 
centered way without blaming, 
rejecting, or being disapproving of 
him. 10-40 
When a Woman Con Score More Points 

Each of the above examples reveals how men score points differently from women. But a 
woman is not requited to do all of the above. This list reveals those times when he is most 
vulnerable. If she can be supportive m giving him what he needs he will be very generous in 
giving points. 

As I mentioned in chapter 7, a woman's ability to give love at difficult times fluctuates like a 
wave. When a woman's ability to give love is increasing (during the upswing of her wave) is 
the time when she can score many bonus points. She should not expect herself to be as loving 
at other times. 

just as a woman's ability to give love fluctuates, a man's need for love fluctuates. In each of the 
above examples, there is no fixed 

amount for how many points a man gives. Instead there is an approximate range; when his 
need for her love is greater he tends to give her more points. 

For example, if he has made a mistake and feels embarrassed, sorry, or ashamed, then he needs 
her love more; therefore he gives more points if she responds by being supportive. The bigger 
the mistake, the more points he gives her for her love. If he doesn't receive her love he tends to 
give her penalty points according to how much he needed her love. If he feels rejected as the 
result of a big mistake he may give a lot of penalty points. 

WHAT MAKES MEN DEFENSIVE 

A man may become so angry at a woman when he has made the mistake and the woman is 
upset. His upset is proportional to the size of his mistake. A little mistake makes him less 
defensive, while a big mistake makes him much more defensive. Sometimes women wonder 
why a man doesn't say he is sorry for a big mistake. The answer is he is afraid of not being 
forgiven. It is too painful to acknowledge that he has failed her in some way. Instead of saying 
he is sorry he may become angry with her for being upset and give ber penalty points. 


is m a nega 
When a man tive state, if she can treat him like a passing tornado and lie low, after the tornado 
has passed he will give her an abundance of bonus points for not making him wrong or for not 
trying to change him. If she tries to stop the tornado it will create havoc,