 and he will blame her 
for interfering. 
204 john Gray 

This is a new insight for many woman because on Venus when someone is upset the 
Venusians never ignore her or even consider lying low. Tornadoes don't exist on Venus. When 
someone is upset everyone gets involved with one another and tries to understand what is 
bothering her by asking a lot of questions. When a tornado passes on Mars everyone finds a 
ditch and lies low. 

WHEN MEN GIVE PENALTY POINTS 

It helps greatly when women understand that men score points differently. That men give 
penalty points is very confusing to women and doesn't make it safe for women to share their 
feelings. Certainly, it would be wonderful if an men could see how unfair penalty points are 
and change overnight-but change takes time. What can be reassuring for a woman, however, is 
to know that just as a man quickly gives out the penalty points he also takes them back. 

A man giving penalty points is similar to a woman feeling resentful when she gives more than 
he does. She subtracts his score from hers and gives him a zero. At such times a man can just be 
understanding that she is sick with the resentment flu and give her some extra love. 

Similarly, when a man is giving penalty points, a woman can realize that he has his own 
version of resentment flu. He needs some extra love so he can get better. As a result, he 
immediately gives her bonus points to even the score again. 

Through learning how to score big with a man, a woman has a new edge for supporting her 
man when he seems distant and hurt. Instead of doing little things for him (from the fist. 101 
Ways to Score Points with a Woman, page 180), which is what she would want, she can more 
successfully focus her energies in giving him what he wants (as fisted in How Women Can 
Score Big with Mel, page 199). 

REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES 

Both men and women can benefit greatly by remembering how differently we keep score. 
Improving a relationship takes no more energy than we are already expending and doesn't have 
to be terribly difficult. Relationships are exhausting until we learn how to direct our energies 
into the ways that our partner can fully appreciate. 
Chapter 11 

How to Communicate 


Difficult Feelings 

When we are upset, disappointed, frustrated, or angry it is difficult to communicate lovingly. 
When negative emotions come up, we tend momentarily to lose our loving feelings of trust, 
caring, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, and respect. At such times, even with the best 
intentions, talking turns into fighting. In the heat of the moment, we do not remember how to 
communicate in a way that works for our partner or for us. 

At times like these, women unknowingly tend to blame men and make them feel guilty for 
their actions. Instead of remembering that her partner is doing the best he can, a woman could 
assume the worst and sound critical and resentful. When she feels a surge of negative feelings, 
it is especially difficult for a woman to speak in a trusting, accepting, and appreciative way. 
She doesn't realize how negative and hurtful her attitude is to her partner. 

When men become upset, they tend to become judgmental of women and women's feelings. 
Instead of remembering that his partner is vulnerable and sensitive, a man may forget her 
needs and sound mean and uncaring. When he feels a surge of negative feelings, it is especially 
difficult for him to speak in a caring, understand 

ing, and respectful way. He doesn't realize how hurtful his negative attitude is to her. 

These are the times when talking does not work. Fortunately, there is another alternative. 
Instead of verbally sharing your feelings with your partner, write him or her a letter. Writing 
letters allows you to listen to your own feelings without worrying about hurting your partner. 
By freely expressing and listening to your own feelings, you automatically become more 
centered and loving. As men write letters they become more caring, understanding, and 
respectful; as women write letters they become more trusting, accepting, and appreciative. 

Writing out your negative feelings is an excellent way to become aware of how unloving you 
may sound. With this greater awareness you can adjust your approach. In addition, by writing 
out your negative emotions their intensity can be released, making room for positive feelings to 
be felt again. Having become more centered, you can then go to your partner and speak to him 
or her in a more loving way -a way that is less judgmental or blaming. As a result, your chances 
of being understood and accepted are much greater. 

After writing your letter you may no longer feel a need to talk. Instead you could become 
inspired to do something loving for your partner. Whether you share the feelings in your letter 
or you just write a letter to feel better, writing down your feelings is an important tool. 

Instead of writing down your feelings you may also choose to do the same process in your 
mind. Simply refrain from talking and review what happened in your mind. In your 
imagination imagine You are saying what you feel, think, and want-without editing yourself in 
any way. By carrying on an inner dialogue expressing the complete truth about your inner 
feelings, you will suddenly become 
free from their negative grip. Whether you write down your feelings or do it mentally, by 


exploring, feeling, and expressing your negative feelings they loose their power and positive 
feelings reemerge. The Love Letter Technique increases the power and effectiveness of this 
process tremendously. Although it is a writing technique, it can also be done mentally as well. 

THE LOVE LETTER TECHNIQUE 

One of the best ways to release negativity and then communicate in a more loving fashion is to 
use the Love Letter Technique. Through writing out your feelings in a particular manner, the 
negative emotions automatically lessen and the positive feelings increase. The Love Letter 
Technique enhances the letter writing process. There are three aspects or parts to the Love 
Letter Technique. 

1. Write a Love Letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love. 
2. Write a Response Utter expressing what you want to hear from your partner. 
3. Share your Love Letter and Response Letter with your partner. 
The Love Letter Technique is quite flexible. You may choose to do all three steps, or you may 
only need to do one or two of them. For example, you might practice steps one and two in order 
to feel more centered and loving and then have a verbal conversation with your partner without 
being overwhelmed with resentment or blame. At other times you may choose to do all three 
steps and share your Love Letter and Response Letter with your partner. 

To do all three steps is a powerful and healing experience for both of you. However sometimes 
doing all three steps is too time consuming or inappropriate. In some situations, the most 
powerful 

technique is to do just step one and write a Love Letter. Let's explore a few examples of how to 
write a Love Letter. 

STEP 1: WRITING A LOVE LETTER 

To write a Love Letter, find a private spot and write a letter to your partner. In each Love Letter 
express your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and then love. This format allows you fully 
to express and understand all your feelings. As a result of understanding all your feelings you 
will then be able to communicate to your partner in a more loving and centered way. 

When we are upset we generally have many feelings at once. For example, when your partner 
disappoints you, you may feel angry that he is being insensitive, angry that she is being 
unappreciative; sad that he is so preoccupied with his work, sad that she doesn't seem to trust 
you; afraid that she will never forgive you, afraid that he doesn't care as much about you; sorry 
that you are secretly withholding your love from him or her. But at the same time you love that 
he or she is your partner and you want his or her love and attention. 


To find our loving feelings, many times we need first to feel all our negative feelings. After 
expressing these four levels of negative feelings (anger, sadness, fear, and regret), we can fully 
feel and express our loving feelings. Writing Love Letters automatically lessens the intensity of 
our negative feelings and allows us to experience more fully our positive feelings. Here are 
some guidelines for writing a basic Love Letter: 

1. Address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or 
she is listening to you with love and understanding. 
2. Start with anger, then sadness, then fear, then regret, and then love. Include all five sections 
in each letter. 
3. Write a few sentences about each feeling; keep each section approximately the same length. 
Speak in simple terms. 
4. After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Write about that feeling. 
5. Do not stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait for the love to come out. 
6. Sign your name at the end. Take a few moments to think about what you need or want. Write 
it in a P.S. 
To simplify writing your letters you may wish to make copies of page 211 to use as a guide in 
writing your own Love Letters. In each of the five sections a few helpful lead-in phrases are 
included to help you express your feelings. You may use just a few of these phrases or all of 
them. Generally the most releasing expressions are: I am angry," "I am sad," I am afraid," "I am 
sorry," "I want," and "I love." However, any phrases that assist you in expressing your feelings 
will work. It usually takes about twenty minutes to complete a Love Letter. 

A Love Letter 

Dear Date 

I am writing this letter to share my feelings wi