th you. 

1. For Anger 
I Don't like it... 
� I feel frustrated ... 
� I am angry that ... 
� I feel annoyed ... 
* I want... 

2. For Sadness 
I feel di Isa p po i nted... 
* I am sad that... 
* 1 feel hurt ... 
* 1 wanted ... 
* I want... 
3. For Fear 
1 worried... 
* I am afraid ... 
* I feel scared ... 
* 1 do not want... 
* 1 need ... 
* 1 want ... 
4. For R ret 
I Feel embarrassed... 
I am sorry... 
1 feel ashamed ... 
1 didn't want ... 
1 want... 

5. For Love 
I Love 
I want... 
I understand ... 
1 forgive... 
I appreciate ... 
1 thank you for... 
I know... 

P.S. The response I would like to hear from you: 
Here are some typical situations and some sample Love Letters that will help you understand 
the technique. 
A Love Letter About Forgetfulness 


When Tom napped longer than he'd planned and forgot to take his daughter Hayley to the 
dentist, his wife, Samantha, was furious. Instead of confronting Tom with her anger and 
disapproval, however, she sat down and wrote the following Love Letter. Afterward she was 
able to approach Tom in a more centered and accepting way. 

Because she wrote this letter, Samantha did not feel an urge to lecture or reject her husband. 
Instead of having an argument they enjoyed a loving evening. The next week Tom made sure 
Hayley got to the dentist. 

This is Samantha's Love Letter: 

Dear Tom, 

1. Anger.. 1am furious that you forgot. 1 am angry that you overslept. 1 hate it when you take 
naps and forget everything. 1 am tired of feeling responsible for everything. You expect me to 
do everything. 1 am tired of this. 
2. Sad~ 1am sad that Hayley missed ber appointment. 1 am sad that you forgot. 1 am sad 
because 1 feel like 1 can't rely on you. 1 am sad that you have to work so hard. 1 am sad that you 
are so tired. 1 am sad that you have less time for me. 1 feel hurt when you are not excited to see 
me. 1 feel hurt when you forget things. 1 feel like you don't c-are. 
3. Fear.. 1 am afraid 1 have to do everything. 1 am afraid to trust you. 1 am afraid that you don't 
care. 1 am 
afraid 1 will have to be responsible next time. 1 don't want to do everything. 1 need your help. 1 
am afraid to need you. I am afraid you will never be responsible. I am afraid you are working 
too hard. I am afraid you may get sick. 

4. Regret.. 1 feel embarrassed when you miss appointments. 1 feel embarrassed when you are 
late. 1 am sorry that 1 am so demanding. I am sorry that I am not more accepting. I feel ashamed 
that 1 am not more loving. 1 don't want to reject you. 
S. Love. 1 love you. 1 understand that you were tired. You work so hard. 1 know you are doing 
your best. I forgive you for forgetting. Thank you for making another appointment. Thank you 
for wanting to take Hayley to the dentist. 1 know you really do care. I know you love me. I feel 
so lucky to have you in my life. 1 want to have a loving evening with you. 
Love, Samantha 

P.S. 1 need to hear that you w ill be responsible to take Hayley next week to the dentist. 
A Love Letter About Indifference 


Jim was leaving the next morning for a business trip. That evening, his wife, Virginia, 
attempted to create some intimacy. She brought a mango into their bedroom and offered him 
some. Jim was preoccupied reading a book in bed and briefly commented that he wasn't 
hungry. Virginia felt rejected and left. Inside she was hurt and angry. Instead of coming back 
and complaining about his rudeness and insensitivity, she wrote a Love Letter. 

After writing this letter, Virginia, feeling more accepting and for 
giving, went back into th e bedroom and said, "This is our last night before you leave, let's 
spend some special time together." Jim put down his book and they had a delightful, intimate 
evening. Writing a Love Letter gave Virginia the strength and love to persist more directly in 
getting her partner's attention. She did not even need to share her Love Letter with her partner. 

This is her letter: 

Dear Jim, 

1. Anger I am frustrated that you want to read a book and this is our last evening together 
before you leave. I am angry that you ignore me. I am angry that you do not want to spend this 
time with me. I am angry that we don't spend more time together. There is always something 
more important than me. I want to feel you love me. 
2. Sad~. I am sad that you don't want to be with me. I am sad that you work so hard. I feel like 
you wouldn't even notice if 1 wasn't here. 1 am sad that you are always so busy. I am sad that 
you don't want to talk with me. 1 feel hurt that you do not care. I don't feel special. 
3. Fear.. 1 am afraid you don't even know why I am upset. 1 am afraid you don't care. I am 
afraid of sharing my feelings with you. I am afraid you will reject me. I am afraid we are 
drifting further apart. I am scared that I can't do anything about it. I am afraid that 1 am boring 
to you. 1 am afraid that you don't like me. 
4. Regret I feel so embarrassed wanting to spend time with you when you don't even care. 1 feel 
embarrassed getting so upset. I am sorry if this sounds demanding. 1 
am sorry that 1 am not more loving and accepting. I am sorry that 1 was cold when you didn't 
want to spend time with me. 1 am sorry that I didn't give you another chance. 1 am. sorry that I 
stop trusting your love. 

.9. Love.. I do love you. That's why 1 brought the mango. I wanted to do something to please 
you. 1 wanted to spend some special time together. I still want to have a special evening. 1 
forgive you for being so indifferent to me. 1 forgive you for not responding right away. I 
understand that you were in the middle of reading something. Let's have a loving intimate 
evening. 

1 love you, Virginia 


P.S. The response I would like to hear: I love you, Virginia, and 1 also want to spend a loving 
evening with you. 1 am going to miss you." 
A Love Letter About Arguing 

Michael and Vanessa disagreed about a financial decision. Within a few minutes they got into 
an argument. When Michael noticed that he was starting to yell he stopped yelling, took a deep 
breath, and then said, "I need some time to think about this and then we will talk." Then he 
went into another room and wrote out his feelings in a Love Letter. 

After writing the letter he was able to go back and discuss the matter in a more understanding 
way. As a result they were able lovingly to resolve their problem. 

This is his Love Letter: 
Dear Vanessa, 

1. Anger I am angry that you get so emotional. 1 am angry that you keep misunderstanding me. 
1 am angry that you can't stay calm when we talk. 1 am angry that you are so sensitive and 
easily hurt. 1 am angry that you mistrust and reject me. 
2. Sadness: I am sad that we are arguing. It hurts to feel your doubts and mistrust. It hurts to 
lose your love. I am sad that we fought. 1 am sad that we disagree. 
3. Fear 1 am afraid of making a mistake. 1 am afraid 1 can't do what 1 want to do without 
upsetting you. 1 am afraid to share my feelings. 1 am afraid you will make me wrong. 1 am 
afraid of looking incompetent. 1 am afraid you do not appreciate me. 1 am afraid to talk with 
you when you are so upset. I don't know what to say. 
4. Regret.. 1 am sorry 1 hurt you. 1 am sorry 1 don't agree with you. 1 am sorry that 1 became so 
cold. I am sorry that I am so resistant to your ideas. I am sorry that 1 am in such a hurry to do 
what I want. 1 am sorry that 1 make your feelings wrong. You do not deserve to be treated that 
way. I am sorry that I judged you. 
5. Love: 1 love you and 1 want to work this out. 1 think 1 could listen to your feelings now. 1 
want to support you. 1 understand 1 hurt your feelings. 1 am sorry 1 was so invalidating of your 
feelings. I really love you so much. I want to be your hero and I don't want to just agree with 
everything. 1 want you to admire me. 1 need to be me and 1 support you in being you. I love 
you. This time when we talk I will be more patient and understanding. You deserve that. 
1 love you, Michael 

PS. The response I would like to hear: -I love you, Michael. 1 really appreciate what a caring 
and understanding man you are. I trust we can work this out." 

A Love Letter About Frustration and Disappointment 


jean left a message for her husband, Bill, saying that she wanted him 
to bring some important mail home. Somehow, Bill never got the 
message. When he arrived home without the mail, jean's reaction 
was strong frustration and disappoi intment. 

Although Bill was not at fault, when jean continued making comments about how much she 
needed that mall and how frustrated she was, he started to feel blamed and attacked. jean did 
not realize that Bill was taking personally all her feelings of frustration and disappointment. 
Bill was about to explode and make her wrong for being so upset. 

Instead of dumping his defensive feelings on her and ruining their evening, he wisely decided 
to take ten minutes and write a Love Letter. When he finished writing, he came back more 
loving and gave his wife a hug, saying, "I am sorry you didn't get your mail. 1 wish 1 had gotten 
that message. Do you still love me anyway?" jean responded with a lot of love and 
appreciation, and they had a wonderful evening instead of a cold war. 

This is Bill's Love Letter: 

Dear Jean, 

1. Anger.. 1 hate when you. get so upset. 1 hate when you blame me. 1 am angry that you are so 
unhappy. 1 am angry that you are not happy to see me. It feels like noth ing I do is ever enough. 
1 want you to appreciate me and be happy to see me. 
2. Sad~ 1 am sad that you are so frustrated and disappointed. 1 am sad that you are not happy 
with me. 1 want you to be happy. 1 am sad that work is always getting in the way of our love 
life. 1 am sad that you don't appreciate all the wonderfu