l things we have in our lives. 1 am sad 1 
didn't come home with the mall you needed. 
3. Fear 1 am afraid 1 can't make you happy. 1 am afraid you will be unhappy all evening. 1 am 
afraid to be open with you or be close to you. 1 am afraid of needing your love. 1 am afraid 1 am 
not good enough. 1 am afraid you will hold this against me. 
4. Regret. 1am sorry that I didn't bring home the mall. 1 am sorry you are so unhappy. 1 am 
sorry that 1 didn't think to call you. 1 didn't want to upset you. 1 wanted you to be happy to see 
me. We have a four-day holiday and 1 want it to be special. 
S. Lov e.. I love you. 1 want you to be happy. 1 understand that you are upset. 1 understand that 
you need some time to just be upset. 1 know that you are not trying to make me feel bad. You 
just need a hug and some empathy. 1 am sorry. Sometimes I don't know wha t to do and I start 
making you be in the wrong. Thank you for being my wife. 1 love you so much. You don't have 
to be perfect and you don't have to be happy. I understand that you are upset about the mail. 
1 love you, Bill 


P.S. The response 1 would like to hear: "I love you, Bill. 1 appreciate how much you do for me. 
Thank you for being my husband." 
STEP 2: WRITING A RESPONSE LETTER 

Writing a Response Letter is the second step in the Love Letter Technique. Once you have 
expressed both your negative and positive feelings, taking an additional three to five minutes 
to write a Response Letter can be a healing process. In this letter, you will write the kind of 
response you would like to have from your partner. 

It works like this. Imagine that your partner is able to respond lovingly to your hurt 
feelings-the ones you expressed in your Love Letter. Write a short letter to yourself pretending 
it is your partner writing to you. Include all the things you would like to hear from your 
partner about the hurts you have expressed. The following lead-in phrases can get you started: 

* Thank you for... * 1 understand ... I am sorry... You deserve... I want ... I love ... 
Sometimes writing a Response Letter is even more powerful than writing a Love Letter. Writing 
out what we actually want and need increases our openness to receiving the support we 
deserve. In addition, when we imagine our partners responding lovingly, we actually make it 
easier for them to do so. 

Some people are very good at writing out their negativ e feelings but have a hard time finding 
the feelings of love. It is especially important for these people to write Response Letters and 
explore what they would want to hear in return. Be sure to feel your own resistance about 
letting your partner support you. This gives you an added awareness about how difficult it 
must be for your partner to deal lovingly with you at such times. 

Now We (an Learn About Our partners Needs 

Sometimes women object to writing Response Letters. They expect their partners to know what 
to say. They have a hidden feeling that says "I don't want to tell him what I need; if he really 
loves me he will know." In this case a woman needs to remember men are from Mars and don't 
know what women need; they need to be told. 

A man's response is more a reflection of his planet than a mirror of how much he loves her. If 
he were a Venusian, he would know what to say, but he is not. Men really don't know how to 
respond to a woman's feelings. For the most part, our culture doesn't teach men what women 
need. 

If a man has seen and heard his father respond with loving words to his mother's upset 
feelings, then he would have a better idea about what to do. As It Is, h e doesn't know because 
he's never been taught. Response Letters are the best way to teach a man about a woman's 
needs. Slowly, but surely, he will learn. 

Sometimes women ask me "lf I tell him what 1 want to hear, and he starts saying it, how do I 


know he is not just saying it? I'm afraid he may not really mean it." 

This is an important question. If a man doesn't love a woman he will not even bother to give 
her what she needs. If he even attempts to give a response similar to her request, then most 
likely he is really trying to respond. 

If he doesn't sound fully sincere it's because he is learning something new. Learning a new way 
of responding is awkward. To him it may feel weak. This is a critical time. He needs lots of 
appreciation and encouragement. He needs feedback telling him he's on the right track. 

If his attempts to support her seem somewhat insincere, it is usually because he is afraid his 
efforts will not work. If a woman appreciates his attempt, the next time he will feel more secure 
and thus be 

able to be more sincere. A man is not a fool. When he feels that a woman is receptive to him 
and that he can respond in a way that makes a positive difference, he will do it. It just takes 
time. 

Women as well can learn a lot about men and what they need by hearing a man's Response 
Letter. A woman is generally perplexed by a man's reactions to her. She has no idea why he 
rejects her attempts to support him. She misunderstands what he needs. Sometimes she resists 
him because she thinks he wants her to give up herself. In most cases, however, he really wants 
her to trust, appreciate, and accept him. 

To receive support we not only have to teach our partners what we need but we also have to be 
willing to be supported. Response Letters ensure that a person is open to being supported. 
Otherwise communication cannot work. To share hurt feelings with an attitude that says 
"Nothing you say can make me feel better" is not only counterproductive but also hurtful to 
your partner. It is better not to talk at these times. 

Here is an example of a Love Letter and its Response Letter. Notice that the response Is still 
under the P.S., but it's a bit longer and more detailed than those above. 

A Love Letter and Response Letter About His Resistance 

When Theresa asks her husband, Paul, for support, he resists her and appears burdened by her 
requests. 

Dear Paul, 

1. Anger.. 1 am angry that you resist me. I am angry that you do not offer to help me. I am angry 
that 1 always have to ask. I do so much fo r you. I need your help. 
2. Sadness: I am sad that you don't want to help ine. I am sad because 1 feel so alone. I want to 
do more things together. I miss your support. 

3. Fear 1 am afraid to ask for your help. I am afraid of your anger. I am afraid you w ill say no 
and then I will be hurt. 
4. Regret: I am sorry that I resent you so much. I am sorry that I nag you and criticize you. 1 am 
sorry I don't appreciate you more. 1 am sorry I give too much and then demand you do the 
same. 
S. Love. I love you. I understand you are doing your best. I know you do care about me. I want 
to ask you in more loving ways. You are such a loving father to our children. 
I love you, Theresa 
PS. The response I would like to hear is: 
Dear Theresa, 
Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I understand that it 
hurts you when I act as if your requests are too demanding. I understand that it hurts when I 
resist you. I am sorry that I don't offer to help you more often. You deserve my support and I 
want to support you more. I do love you and I feel so happy that you are my wife. 

I love you, Paul 

STEP 3.. SHARING YOUR LOVE LETTER AND RESPONSE 
LETTER 
Sharing your letters is important for the following reasons: 

� It gives your partner an opportunity to support you. 
� It allows you to get the understanding you need. 
� It gives your partner necessary feedback in a loving and respectful way. 
� It motivates change in a relationship. 
� It creates intimacy and passion. 
� It teaches your partner what is important to you and how successfully to support you. 
� It helps couples to start talking again when communication breaks down. 
� It teaches us how to hear negative feelings in a safe way. 
There are five ways to share your letters outlined below. In this case, it is assumed that she 

wrote the letter, but these methods work just as well if he wrote the letter. 

1. He reads her Love Letter and Response Letter out loud while she is present. Then he holds 
her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to 
hear. 
2. She reads her Love Letter and Response Letter out loud while he is listening. Then he holds 
her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to 
hear. 
3. First he reads ber Response Letter out loud to ber. 
Then lie reads her Love Letter out loud. It is much easier for a man to hear negative feelings 
when he already knows how to respond to those feelings. By letting a man know what is 
required of him, he doesn't panic as much when he is hearing negative feelings. After he reads 
her Love Letter he then holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater 
awareness of what she needs to hear. 

4. Firs.. she reads ber Response Letter to him. Then she reads her Love Letter out loud. Finally he 
holds her 
hands and gives her a loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs. 
5. She gives ber letters to him and he reads them privately within twentyfour hours. After he has 
read the letters, he thanks her for writing them and holds her hands and gives her a lov ing 
response with a greater awareness of what she needs. 
What to Do lf Your Partner Col Respond Lovingly 

Based on their past experiences some men and women have great difficulty hearing Love 
Letters. In this case they should not be expected to read one. But even when your partner 
chooses to hear a letter, sometimes they are unable to respond right away in a loving manner. 
Let's take Paul and Theresa as an example. 

If Paul is not feeling more loving after he has he