ard his partner's letters, then it is because he 
can't respond with love at that time. But after time his feelings will change. 

When reading the letters, he may feel attacked by the anger and hurt and become defensive. At 
such times he needs to take a timeout to reflect on what was said. 

Sometimes when a person hears a Love Letter they only hear the anger and it will take a while 
before they can hear the love. It helps if, after a bit, he rereads the letter, especially the regret 
and love sections. Sometimes before I read a Love Letter from my wife, I read the love section 
first and then 1 read the full letter. 

If a man is upset after reading a Love Letter, he could also respond with his own Love Letter, 


which would allow him to process the negative feelings that came up when he read her Love 
Letter. Sometimes I don't know what is bothering me until my wife shares a Love Letter with 
me, and then suddenly 1 have something to write about. By writing my letter I am able to find 
again my loving feelings and reread her letter and hear the love behind her hurt. 

If a man cannot immediately respond with love, he needs to know that it's OK and not be 
punished. His partner needs to under 

stand and accept his need to think about things for a while. Perhaps, to support his partner, he 
can say something like "Thank you for writing this letter. I need some time to think about it 
and then we can talk about It." It is important that he not express critical feelings about the 
letter. Sharing letters needs to be a safe time. 

All of the above suggestions for sharing Love Letters also apply when a woman has difficulty 
responding to a man's letter in a loving way. 1 generally recommend that couples read out loud 
the letters they have written. It is helpful to read your par tner's letter out loud because it helps 
them feel heard. Experiment with both, and see what fits you. 

MAKING IT SAFE FOR LOVE LETTERS 

Sharing Love Letters can be scary. The person writing their true feelings will feel vulnerable. If 
their partner rejects them it can be very painful. The purpose of sharing the letter is to open up 
feelings so that partners can become closer. It works well as long as the process is done in 
safety. The person receiving the Love Letter needs to be particularly respectful of the writer's 
expression. If they cannot give true, respectful support, then they shouldn't agree to listen until 
they can. 

Sharing letters needs to be done with the correct intention. Sharing a letter needs to be done in 
the spirit of the following two statements of intent: 

Statement of Intent for Writing and Sharing a Love Letter 

I have written this letter in order to find my positive feelings and to give you the love you 
deserve. As part of that process 1 am sharing with you my negative feelings, which are holding 
me back. 


Your understanding will help me to open up and let go of my negative feelings. 1 trust that you 
do care and that you wig respond to my feelings m the best way you can. 
1 appreciate your willingness to listen and support me. 


In addition 1 hope that this letter will assist you in understanding my wants, needs, and 
wishes. 

The partner who is hearing the letter needs to listen in the spirit of the following statement of 
intent. 


Statement of Intent for Hearing a Love Letter 

1 promise to do my best to understand the validity of your feelings, to accept our differences, to 
respect your needs as 1 do my own, and to appreciate that you are doing your best to 
communicate your feelings and love. 

1 promise to listen and not correct or deny your feelings. 1 promise to accept you and not try to 
change you. 

1 am willing to listen to your feelings because I do care and 1 trust that we can work this out. 

The first few times you practice the Love Letter Technique it will be much safer if you actually 
read these statements out loud. These statements of intent will help you remember to respect 
your partner's feelings and respond in a loving, safe way. 

MINI LOVE LETTERS 

If you are upset and you don't have twenty minutes to write a Love Letter, you can try writing a 
mini Love Letter. It only takes three to five minutes and can really help. Here are some 
examples: 

Dear Max, 

1. 1 am so angry that you are late! 
2. 1 am sad that you have forgotten me. 
3. 1 am afraid you don't really care about me. 
4. 1 am sorry that I am so unforgiving. 
5. 1 love you and 1 forgive you for being late. 1 know you really love me. Thank you for trying. 
Love, Sandie 
Dear Henry, 
1. 1 am angry that you are so tired. 1 am angry that you I just watch TV. 
2. 1 am sad that you don't want to talk to me. 
3. 1 am afraid that we are growing apart. I am afraid of making you angry. 
4. 1 am sorry that I rejected you at dinner. I am sorry I blame you for our problems. 

5. 1 miss your love. Would you schedule an hour with me tonight or sometime soon just for me 
to share with you what's going on in my life? 
Love, Lesley 

P.S. What 1 would like to hear from you is: 
Dear Lesley, 
Thank you for writing me about your feelings. I understand that you miss me. Let's sched ule 
special time tonight between eight and nine. 
Love, Henry 
WHEN TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS 
The time to write a Love Letter is whenever you are upset and you want to feel better. Here are 
some common ways Love Letters can be written: 

1. Love Letter to an intimate partner. 
2. Love Letter to a friend, child, or family member. 
3. Love Letter to business associate or client. Instead of saying "I love you" at the end you may 
choose to use "I appreciate" and "I respect." In most cases 1 don't recommend sharing it. 
4. Love Letter to yourself 
5. Love Letter to God or Higher Power. Share your upset feelings about your life with God and 
ask for support. 
6. Role reversal Love Letter. If it is hard to forgive someone, pretend that you are them for a few 
minutes and write a Love Letter from them to you. You will be amazed at how quickly you 
become more forgiving. 
7. Monster Love Letter. If you are really upset and your feelings are mean and judgmental, vent 
them in a letter. Then bum the letter . Do not expect your partner to read it unless you both can 
handle negative feelings and are willing to do so. In that case even monster letters can be very 
helpful. 
8. Displacement Love Utter. When present events upset you and remind you of unresolved 
feelings from childhood, imagine you can go back in time and write a letter to one of your 
parents, sharing your feelings and asking for their support. 
WHY WE NEED TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS 


As we have explored throughout this book, it is vastly important for 
women to share their feelings and feel cared for, understood, and 

respected. It is equally important for men to feel appreciated, accepted, and trusted. The biggest 
problem in relationships occurs when a woman shares her upset feelings and, as a result, a man 
feels unloved. 

To him, her negative feelings may sound critical, blaming, demanding, and resentful. When he 
rejects her feelings, she then feels unloved. The success of a relationship is solely dependent on 
two factors: a man's ability to listen lovingly and respectfully to a woman's feelings, and a 
woman's ability to share her feelings in a loving and respectful way. 

A relationship requires that partners communicate their changing feelings and needs. To expect 
perfect communication is cer tainly too idealistic. Fortunately, between here and perfection 
there is a lot of room for growth. 

Realistic Expectations 

To expect communication always to be easy is unrealistic. Some feelings are very difficult to 
communicate without hurting the listener. Couples who have wonderful and loving 
relationships will sometimes agonize over how to communicate in a way that works for both 
people. It is difficult truly to understand another person's point of view, especially when he or 
she is not saying what you want to hear. It is also hard to be respectful of another when your 
own feelings have been hurt. 

Many couples mistakenly think that their inability to communicate successfully and lovingly 
means they don't love each other enough. Certainly love has a lot to do with it, but 
communication skill is a much more important ingredient. Fortunately, it's a learnable skill. 

Now We Learn to Communicate 

Successful communication would be second nature if we grew up in families that were already 
capable of honest and loving communication. But in previous generations, so-called loving 
communication 
generally meant avoiding negative feelings. It was often as if negative feelings were a shameful 
sickness and something to be locked away in the closet. 

In less "civilized " families what was considered loving communication might include acting 
out or rationalizing negative feelings through physical punishment, yelling, spanking, 
whipping, and all kinds of verbal abuse-all 'm the name of trying to help the children learn 
right from wrong. 

Had our parents learned to communicate lovingly, without suppressing negative feelings, we 
as children would have been safe to discover and explore our own negative reactions and 


feelings through trial and error. Through positive role models we would have learned 
successfully how to communicate-especially our difficult feelings. As a result of eighteen years 
of trial and error in expressing our feelings, we would have gradually learned to express our 
feelings respectfully and appropriately. If this had been the case, we would not need the Love 
Letter Technique. 

lf Our Post Wore Different 

Had our past been different, we would have watched our father successfully and lovingly 
listen to our mother expand and express her frustrations and disappointments