. Daily we would 
have experienced our father giving our mother the loving caring and understanding that she 
needed from her loving husband. 

We would have watched our mother trusting our father and sharing her feelings openly, 
without disapproving or blaming hirn. We would have experienced how a person could be 
upset without pushing someone away with mistrust, emotional manipulation, avoidance, 
disapproval, condescension, or coldness. 

Throughout our eighteen years of growing up we would gradually be able to master our own 
emotions just as we have mastered walking or math. It would be a learned skill, like walking, 
jumping, singing, reading, and balancing a checkbook. 

But it didn't happen that way for most of us. Instead we spent 

eighteen years learning unsuccessful communication skills. Because we lack education in how 
to communicate feelings, it is a difficult and seemingly insurmountable task to communicate 
lovingly when we are having negative feelings. 

To come to understand how difficult this is, consider your answers to these following 
questions: 

1. When you are feeling angry or resentful, how do you express love if, while you were growing 
up, your parents either argued or conspired to avoid arguing? 
2. How do you get your kids to listen to you without yelling or punishing them if your parents 
yelled and punished you to maintain control? 
3. How do you ask for more support if, even as a child, you felt repeatedly neglected and 
disappointed? 
4. How do you open up and share your feelings if you are afraid of being rejected? 
5. How do you talk to your partner if your feelings say "I hate you"? 
6. How do you say "I am sorry" if, as a child, you were punished for making mistakes? 

7. How can you admit your mistakes if you are afraid of punishment and rejection? 
8. How can you show your feelings if, as a child, you were repeatedly rejected or judged for ben 
upset and crying? 
9. How are you supposed to ask for what you want if, as a child, you were repeatedly made to 
feel wrong for wanting more? 
10. How are you even *Supposed to know what you are feeling if your parents didn't have the 
time, patience, or awareness to ask you how you were feeling or what was bothering you? 
11. How can you accept your partner's imperfections if, as a child, you felt you had to be perfect 
to be worthy of love? 
12. How can you listen to your partner's painful feelings If no one listened to yours? 
13. How can you forgive if you were not forgiven? 
14. How are you supposed to cry and hea l your pain and grief if, as a child, you were repeatedly 
told 
"Don't cry" or "When are you going to grow up?" or "Only babies cry"? 

15. How can you bear your partner's disappointment if, as a child, you were made to feel 
responsi ble for our mother's pa in long before you could understand that you were not 
responsible? 
16. How can you hear your partner's anger if, as a child, your mother or father took their 
frustrations out on you through yelling and being demanding? 
17. How do you open up and trust your partner if the first people you trusted with your 
innocence betrayed you in some way? 
18. How are you supposed to communicate your feelings lovingly and respectfully if you 
haven't had eighteen years of practice without the threat of being rejected and abandoned? 
The answer to all these eighteen questions Is the same it is possible to learn loving 
communication, but we need to work at it. We have to make up for the eighteen years of 
neglect. No matter how perfect our parents were, nobody is really perfect. If you have problems 
communicating, it is neither a curse nor all your partner's fault. It is simply a lack of having the 
correct training and the safety to practice. 

In reading the above questions, you may have had some feelings come up. Don't waste this 
special opportunity to heal yourself. Take twenty minutes right now and write one of your 
parents a Love Letter. Simply get a pen and some paper and begin expressing your feelings, 


using the Love Letter format. Try it now, and you will be amazed at the outcome. 
TELLING THE COMPLETE TRUTH 

Love Letters work because they assist you in telling the complete truth. Merely to explore a part 
of your feelings does not bring about the desired healing. For example.. 

1. Feeling your anger may not help you at all. It may just make you more angry. The more you 
dwell on just your anger, the more upset you will become. 
2. Crying for hours may leave you feeling empty and spent, if you never move past the sadness. 
3. To feel only your fears may make you even more fearful. 
4. To feel sorry, without moving through it, may just make you feel guilty and ashamed and 
may even be harmful to your self-esteem. 
5. Trying to feel loving all the time will force you to suppress all your negative emotions, and 
after a few years, you will become numb and unfeeling. 
Love Letters work because they guide you In writing out the complete truth about all your 
feelings. To heal our inner pain, we must feel each of the four primary aspects of emotional 
pain. They are anger, sadness, fear, and regret. 

Why Love Letters Work 

BY expressing each of the four levels of emotional pain, our pain is released. Whiting only one 
or two negative feelings does not work as well. This Is because many of our negative emotional 
reactions are not real feelings but defense mechanisms we unconsciously use to avoid our true 
feelings. 
For example: 

1. People who get angry easily generally are trying to hide from their hurt, sadness, fear, or 
regret. When they feel their more vulnerable feelings, the anger goes away and they become 
more loving. 
2. People who cry easily generally have a hard time getting angry, but when they are helped to 
express anger they feel much better and more loving. 
3. People who are fearful generally need to feel and express their anger; the fear then goes 
away. 
4. People who often feel sorry and guilty generally need to feel and express their hurt and anger 
before they can feel the self-love they deserve. 

5. People who always feel loving but wonder why they are depressed or numb generally need 
to ask themselves this question: If I were angry and upset about something, what would it be? " 
and write out the answers. This will help them get in touch with the feelings hidden behind 
the depression and numbness. Love Letters can be used in this fashion. 
Now Feelings Con Hide Other Feelings 

Following are some examples of how men and women use their negative emotions to avoid or 
suppress their true pain. Keep in mind that this process is automatic. We are often not aware 
that it is happening. Consider for a moment these questions: 

� Do you ever smile when you are really angry? 
� Have you acted angry when deep inside you were afraid? 
� Do you laugh and make jokes when you are really sad and hurt? 
� Have you been quick to blame others when you felt guilty or afraid? 
The following chart shows how men and women commonly deny their true feelings. Certainly 
not all men will fit the male description just as not all women will fit the female description. 
The chart gives us a way to understand how we may remain strangers to our real feelings. 

WAYS WE COVER UP OUR REAL FEELINGS 

Now ~ We their in (This ne-How women hide their pain 
(This 
cess is ~ unconscious) process is ~ unconscious) 
1. Men may use anger as a way of 1. Women may use concern and 
avoiding the painful feelings of sad-worry as a way of avoiding the 
ness, hurt, sorrow, guilt, and fear. painful feelings of anger, guilt, 
fear, and disappoin tment. 
2. Men may use indifference and dis2. 
Women may fall into confusion 
couragement as a way of avoiding as a way of avoiding anger, irrita 
the painful feelings of anger. tion, and frustration. 
3. Men may use feeling offended 3. Women may use feeling bad as 
as a way of avoiding feeling hurt. a way of avoiding embarrassment, 
anger, sadness, and regret. 

4. Men may use anger and 4. Women may use fear and uncer 
righteousness as a way to avoid tainty as a way of avoiding anger, 
feeling afraid or uncertain. hurt, and sadness. 
5. Men may feel ashamed to avoid 5. Women may use grieving to 
anger and grieving. avoid feeling angry and afraid. 
New men hide -1h* p*- (This PLC-How women hide their 2* (This 


cess is generally unconscious) process is generally 
unconscious) 

6. Men may use peace and calm as 6. Women may use hope as a way 
a way to avoid anger, fear, disap-to avoid anger, sadness, grief, and 
pointment, discouragement, and sorrow. 
shame. 
Men may use confidence to 7. Women may use happiness and 
avoid feeling inadequate. gratitude to avoid feeling sadness 
and disappointment. 

8. Men may use aggression to8. Women may use love and for 
avoid feeling afraid. 
giveness as a way to avoid feeling 
hurt and angry. 


HEALING NEGATIVE FEELINGS 

Understanding and accepting another's nega ve f n are t 

ti eel, difficul if Your own negative feelings have not been heard and supported. The more we 
are able to heal our own unresolved feelings from childhood the easier it is responsibly to 
share our feelings and to listen to our partner's feelings without being hurt, impatient, 
frustrated, or offended. 

The more resistance you have to feeling your inner pain, the more resistance you will have to 
listening to the feelings of others. If you feel impatient and intolerant when others express 
their childlike feelings, then this is an indicator of how you treat yourself. 

To retrain ourselves we must reparent ourselves. We must acknowledge that there is an 
emotional person inside us who gets upset even when our rational adult mind says there is no 
reason to be upset. We must isolate that emotional part of our self and become a loving parent 
t