 never offer advice unless asked. A way of honoring another Martian is 
always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help. 

Mary had no idea that when Tom became lost and started circling the same block, it was a very 
special opportunity to love and support him. At that time he was particularly vulnerable and 
needed some extra love. To honor him by not offering advice would have been a gift equivalent 
to his buying her a beautiful bouquet of flowers or writing her a love note. 

After learning about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned how to support Tom at such 
difficult times. The next time he was lost, instead of offering "help" she restrained herself from 
offering any advice, took a deep relaxing breath, and appreciated in her heart what Tom was 
trying to do for her. Tom greatly appreciated her warm acceptance and trust. 

Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has 
no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, 
her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as 
a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother. 

For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small 
thing like driving to a restaurant or party. Ironically he may be more sensitive about the little 
things than the big. His feelings are like this: "If 1 can't be trusted to do a small thing like get 
us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?" Like their Martian ancestors, men 
pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, 
getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance 
the most and not her advice or criticism. 

LEARNING TO LISTEN 

Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse 
when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close 
and not necessarily to get solutions. 


So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, 
thinking he is helping, interrupts her by 
offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn't pleased. 


For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her 
feelings about the day. 


She says, "There is so much to do; I don't have any time for myself." 
Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don't have to work so hard. Find something you like 
to do." 


Mary says, "But 1 like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment's notice." 
Tom says, "Don't listen to them. just do what you can do." 
Mary says, "I am! 1 can't believe 1 completely forgot to call my aunt today." 
Tom says, "Don't worry about it, she'll understand." 
Mary says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me." 
Tom says, "You worry too much, that's why you're so unhappy." 
Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can't you just listen to me?" 
Tom says, "I am listening." 
Mary says, "Why do 1 even bother?" 
After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived home seeking 


intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He 


wanted to help, but his problem-solving tactics didn't work. 
Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn't understand how important it was just to 
listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians 
never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another 

Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other's feelings. 
Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her 
tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they 
needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen. 


When Mary now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They 
sound like this: 

Mary says, "There is so much to do. I have no time for me." 
Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, "Humph, sounds Ii ike you had a hard 
day." 


Mary says, "They expect me to change everything at a moment's notice. 1 don't know what to 
do." 
Tom pauses and then says, " "H|mmm." 
Mary says, "I even forgot to call my aunt." 
Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, "Oh, no." 
Mary says, "She needs me so much right now. 1 feel so bad." 


Tom says, "You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug." 
Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, "I 
love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better." 


Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was 
when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned 
the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting 
go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism. 

To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships: 

1. A man tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix -It and 
offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings. 
2. A woman tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the 
home-improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism. 
IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX -IT AND 
THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE 


In pointing out these two major mistakes 1 do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. 
Fix-It or the home-improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian 
attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach. 

A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix -It, as long as he doesn't come out when she is upset. Men 
need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to 


offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. 
She does not need to be fixed. 

A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women 
need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticismespecially if he has made a mistake-make 
him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, 'In order to 
learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman Is not trying to improve him, he is 
much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice. 

Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner's sensitivities and be 
more supportive. In addition we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably 
because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let's explore this in greater detail. 

WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN'S SOLUTIONS 

When a woman resists a man's solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a 
result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen 
understandably lessens. 

By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why 
she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a 
time when she was needing empathy and nurturing. 

Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and 
perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist: 

1. "You shouldn't worry so much." 
2. "But that is not what I said." 
3. "It's not such a big deal." 
4. "OK, I'm sorry. Now can we just forget it." 
5. "Why don't you just do it?" 
6. "But we do talk." 
7. "You shouldn't feel hurt, that's not what I meant." 
8. "So what are you trying to say?" 
9. "But you shouldn't feel that way." 
10. "How can you say that? Last week 1 spent the whole day with you. We had a great time." 

11. " OK, then just forget it." 
12. "All right, I'll dean up the backyard. Does that ma ke you happy?" 
13. "1 got it. This is what you should do." 
14. "Look, there's nothing we can do about it." 
15. "If you are going to complain about doing it, then don't do it." 
16. "Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them." 
17. "If you're not happy then we should just get a divorce." 
18. "All right, then you can do it from now on." 
19. "From now on, 1 will handle it." 
20. "Of course 1 care about you. That's ridiculous." 2 1. "Would you get to the point?" 22. "All we 
have to do is... 23. "That's not at all what happened." 
Each of these statements either Invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a 
solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a 
man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore 
this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating 
comments or solutions is, however, a big step. 

By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, 
a man can handle a woman's resistance much better. He doesn't take it so personally. By 
learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at 
first she is upset with him. 

WHEN A MAN RESISTS 
THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE 


When a man resists a woman's suggestions she feels as though he doesn't care; she feels her 
needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops 
trusting him. 

At such times, by remembering that men are from Mars, she can instead correctly understand 
why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him 
un