o It. We need to ask ourselves "What's the matter? Are you hurt? What are you feeling? What 
happened to upset you? What are you angry about? What makes you sad? What are you afraid 
of? What do you want?" 

When we listen to our feelings with compassion, our negative 

feelings quite miraculously are healed, and we are able to respond to situations in a much more 
loving and respectful way. By understanding our childlike feelings we automatically open a 
door for loving feelings to permeate what we say. 

If as children our inner emotions had been repeatedly heard and validated in a loving way, 
then as adults we wouldn't get stuck in negative emotions. But most of us weren't supported 
this way as children, so we have to do it for ourselves. 

Now Your Post A ffects You Today 


Certainly you've had the experience of feeling gripped by negative emotions.These are some 
common ways our unresolved emotions from childhood may affect us today as we encounter 
the stresses of being adults: 

1. When something has been frustrating, we remain stuck feeling angry and annoyed, even 
when our adult self says we should feel calm, loving, and peaceful. 
2. When something has been disappointing, we remain stuck feeling sad and hurt, even when 
our adult self says we should feel enthusiastic, happy, and hopeful. 
3. When something has been upsetting, we remain stuck feeling afraid and worried, even when 
our adult self says we should feel assured, confident, and grateful. 
4. When something has been embarrassing, we remain stuck feeling sorry and ashamed, even 
when out adult self says we should feel secure, good, and wonderful. 
Silencing Your Feelings Through Addictions 

As adults we generally try to control these negative emotions by avoiding them. Our addictions 
can be used to silen ce the painful 
cries of our feelings and unfulfilled needs. After a glass of wine, the pain is gone for a moment. 
But it will come back again and again. 


Ironically, the very act of avoiding our negative emotions gives them the power to control our 
lives. By learning to listen to and nurture our inner emotions, they gradually lose their grip. 

When you are very upset, it certainly is not possible to communicate as effectively as you want 
to. At such times the unresolved feelings of your past have come back. It Is as though the child 
that was never allowed to throw a tantrum now throws one, only to be -exiled once again into 
the closet. 

Our unresolved childhood emotions have the power to control us by gripping our adult 
awareness and preventing loving commun cation. Until we are able lovingly to listen to these 
seemingly irrational feelings from our past (which seem to intrude into our life when we most 
need our sanity), they will obstruct loving communication. 

The secret of communicating our difficult feelings lies in having the wisdom and the 
commitment to express our negative feelings in writing so that we can become aware of our 
more positive feelings. The more we are able to communicate to our partners with the love they 
deserve, the better our relationships will be. When you are able to share your upset feelings in 
a loving way, it becomes much easier for your partner to support you in return. 

SECRETS OF SELF -HELP 

Writing Love Letters is an excellent self-help tool, but if you don't immediately get in the habit 


of writing them you may forget to use it. 1 suggest that at least once a week when something is 
bothering you, sit down and write a Love Letter. 

Love Letters are helpful not only when you feel upset with your partner in a relationship but 
also whenever you are upset. Writing Love Letters help when you are feeling resentful, 
unhappy, anxious, depressed, annoyed, tired, stuck, or simply stressed. Whenever you want to 
feel better, write a Love Letter. It may not always completely improve your mood, but it will 
help move you in the direction you want to go. 

In my first book, What You Feel You Can Heal, the importance of exploring feelings and writing 
Love Letters is more fully discussed. In addition, in my tape series, Healing the Heart, 1 share 
healing visualizations and exercises based on the Love Letter Technique for overcoming 
anxiety, releasing resentment, and finding forgiveness, loving your inner child, and healing 
past emotional wounds. 

In addition, many more books and workbooks have been written on this subject by other 
authors. Reading these books is important to help you get in touch with your inner feelings 
and heal them. But remember, unless you are letting that emotional part of you speak out and 
be heard, it cannot be healed. Books can inspire you to love yourself more, but by listening to, 
writing out, or verbally expressing your feelings you are actually doing it. 

As you practice the Love Letter Technique you will begin to experience the part of you that 
needs love the most. By listening to your feelings and exploring your emotions, you will be 
helping this part of you to grow and develop. 

As your emotional self gets the love and understanding it needs, You will automatically begin 
to communicate better. You will become capable of responding to situations in a more loving 
manner. Even though we have all been programmed to hide our feelings 
and react defensively and not lovingly, we can retrain ourselves. There is great hope. 

To retrain yourself you need to listen to and understand the unresolved feelings that have 
never had a chance to be healed. This part of you needs to be felt, heard, and understood and 
then it is healed. 

Practicing the Love Letter Technique is a safe way to express 
unresolved feelings, negative emotions, and wants without being 
judged or rejected. By listening to our feelings we are in effect wisely 
treating our emotional side like a little child crying in a loving par 
ent 9 s arms. By exploring the complete truth of our feelings we are 
giving ourselves full permission to have these feelings. Through 
treating this childlike part of us with respect and love, the unre 
solved emotional wounds of our past can be gradually h ealed. 

Many people grow up too quickly because they reject and suppress their feelings. Their 
unresolved emotional pain is waiting inside to come out to be loved and healed. Although they 


may attempt to suppress these feelings, the pain and unhappiness continue to affect them. 

Most physical diseases are now widely accepted as being directly related to our unresolved 
emotional pain. Suppressed emotional pain generally becomes physical pain or sickness and 
can cause premature death. In addition, most of our destructive compulsions, obsessions and 
addictions are expressions of our inner emotional wounds. 

A man's common obsession with success is his desperate attempt to win love in hopes of 
reducing his inner emotional pain and turmoil. A woman's common obsession with being 
perfect is her desperate attempt to be worthy of love and reduce her emotional pain. Anything 
done to excess can become a means to numb the pain of our unresolved past. 

Our society is filled with distractions to assist us in avoiding our pain. Love Letters, however, 
assist you in looking at your pain, feeling it and then healing it. Every time you write a Love 
Letter you are giving your inner emotional and wounded self the love, understanding, and 
attention it needs to feel better. 

p f Privacy 

Sometimes, by privately writing out your feelings, you will discover 
deeper levels of feelings that you could not feel with another person 

ith 

present. Complete privacy creates the safety to feel more deeply. Even 
If you are in a relationship and you feel you can talk about anything, 1 
l ri iti 

still recommend p wri ng down your feelings sometimes. Writing Love Letters in private is also 
healthy because it provides a time for you to give to yourself without depending on anyone 
else. 

1 recommend keeping a journal of your Love Letters or keeping them together in a file. To 
make writing Love Letters easier, you may wish to refer to the sample Love Letter format given 
earlier in this chapter. This Love Letter format can assist you in remembering the different 
stages of a Love Letter and offer some lead-in phrases when you may be stuck. 

If you have a personal computer then type in the Love Letter format and use it over and over 
again. Simply open to that file whenever you want to write a Love Letter, and when you are 
finished save it by the date. Print it out if you wish to share it with someone. 

In addition to writing letters, 1 suggest that you keep a private file for your letters. Occasionally 
reread these letters when you are not upset because that is when you can review your feelings 
with a greater objectivity. This objectivity will help you to express upset feelings at a later time 
in a more respectful way. Also if you write a Love Letter and you are still upset, by rereading 


the letter you may begin to feel better. 

To assist people in writing Love Letters and exploring and expressing feelings In a private way, 
1 developed a computer program called Private Session. In a personal way, the computer uses 
pictures, graphics, questions, and various Love Letter formats to assist you in getting in touch 
with your feelings. It even suggests lead-in phrases to help you draw up and express particular 
emotions. In addition it privately stores your letters and brings them up at times when reading 
them might help you more fully to express your feelings. 

Using your computer to assist you in expressing your feelings can 
help overcome the usual resistance that people have to writing Love Letters. Men, who are 
usually more resistant to this process, are more motivated to do it if they can sit privately in 
front of their computer. 

The