 Power of Intimacy 

Privately writing Love Letters is very healing in itself, but it does not replace our need to be 
heard and understood by others. When you write a Love Letter you are loving yourself, but 
when you share a letter you are receiving love. To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need 
to receive love as well. Sharing the truth opens the door of intimacy through which love can 
enter. 

To receive more love we need to have people in our life with whom we can openly and safely 
share our feelings It is very powerful to have some select people in your life with whom you 
can share 

your every feeling and trust that they will still love you and not hurt you with criticism, 
judgment, or rejection. 

When you can share who you are and how you feel, then you can fully receive love. If you have 
this love, it is easier to release negative emotional symptoms like resentment, anger, fear, and 
so forth. This does not mean that you need to share everything you feel and discover in private. 
But if there are feelings that you are afraid to share, then gradually these fears need to be 
healed. 

A loving therapist or close friend can be a tremendous source of love and healing if you can 
share your inner and deepest feelings. If you don't have a therapist, then having a friend read 
your letters from time to time is very helpful. Writing in private will make you feel better; but 
occasionally sharing your Love Letters with another person who cares and can be 
understanding is essential. 

The Power of the Group 

The power of group support is something that cannot be described but has to be experienced. A 
loving and supportive group can do wonders to help us more easily get in touch with our 


deeper feelings. To share your feelings with a group means there are more people available to 
give you love. The potential for growth is magnified by the size of the group. Even if you do 
not speak out in a group, by listening to others speak openly and honestly about their feelings, 
your awareness and insight expand. 

When I lead group seminars around the country 1 repeatedly experience deeper parts of myself 
that need to be heard and understood. When someone stands up and shares their feelings, 
suddenly I begin to remember something or feel something myself. I gain valuable new 
insights about myself and others. At the end of each seminar 1 generally feel much lighter and 
more loving. 

Everywhere small support groups on almost every topic meet each week to give and receive 
this support. Group support is especially helpful if as children we did not feel safe to express 
ourselves in groups or in our family. While any positive group activity is empowering, 
speaking or listening in a loving and supportive group can be personally healing. 

1 meet regularly with a small men's support group, and my wife, Bonnie , meets regularly with 
her women's support group. Getting this outside support greatly enhances our relationship. It 
frees us from looking to each other as the sole source of support. In addition, by listening to 
others share their successes and failures our own problems tend to shrink. 

Taking rime to Listen 

Whether you are privately writing down your thoughts and feelings on your computer or 
sharing them in therapy, in your relationships, or in a support group, you are taking an 
important step for yourself. When you take the time to listen to your feelings you are in effect 
saying to the little feeling person inside "You matter. You deserve to be heard and 1 care 
enough to listen." 

1 hope you will use this Love Letter Technique because 1 have witnessed it transform the lives 
of thousands of people, including my own. As you write more Love Letters it becomes easier 
and works better. It takes practice, but it is worth it. 

Chapter 12 

How to Ask for 
Support and Get It 


If you are not getting the support you want in your relationships a significant reason may be 
that you do not ask enough or you may ask in a way that doesn't work. Asking for love and 
support is essential to the success of any relationsh ip. If you want to G-E-T then you have to 
A-S-K. 

Both men and women have difficulty asking for support. Women, however, tend to find it 
much more frustrating and disappointing to ask for support than men do. For this reason, I will 


be addressing this chapter to women. Of course, men will deepen their understanding of 
women if they too read this chapter. 

WHY WOMEN DON'T ASK 

Women make the mistake of thinking they don't have to ask for support. Because they 
intuitively feet the needs of others and give whatever they can, they mistakenly expect men to 
do the same. When a woman is in love, she instinctively offers her love. With 

great delight and enthusiasm, she looks for ways to offer her supPort. The more she loves 
someone, the more motivated she is to 
offer her love. Back on Venus, everyone automatically gives support, so there was no reason to 
ask for it. In fact, not needing to ask is one of the ways they show their love for one another. On 
Venus their motto is "Love is never having to ask!" 

Because this is her reference point, she assumes that if her partner loves her, he will offer his 
support and she won't have to ask. She may even purposefully not ask as a test to see if he 
really loves her. To pass the test, she requires that he anticipate her needs and offer his 
unsolicited support! 

This approach to relationships with men doesn't work. Men are from Mars, and on Mars If you 
want support you simply have to ask for it. Men are not instinctively motivated to offer their 
support; they need to be asked. This can be very confusing because if you ask a man for 
support in the wrong way he gets turned off, and if you don't ask at all you'll get little or none. 

In the beginning of a relationship, if a woman doesn't get the support she wants, she then 
assumes that he is not giving because he has nothing more to give. She patiently and lovingly 
continues to give. assuming that sooner or later he'll catch up. He assumes, however, he is 
giving enough, because she continues giving to him. 

He doesn't realize she is expecting him to give back. He thinks that if she needed or wanted 
more she would stop giving. But since she is from Venus, she not only wants more but also 
expects him to offer his support without being asked. But he is waiting for her to start asking 
for support if she wants it. If she is not asking for support he assumes he is giving enough. 

Eventually, she may ask for his support, but by this time she has given so much more and feels 
so much resentment that her request is really a demand. Some women will resent a man simply 
because they have to ask for his support. Then, when they do ask, even if he says yes and gives 
her some support, she will still resent that she had 

to ask. She feels "If 1 have to ask, it doesn't count." 

Men do not respond well to demands and resentment. Even if a man is willing to give support, 
her resentment or demands will lead him to say no. Demands are. a complete turnoff. Her 
chances of getting, his support are dramatically reduced when a request bec omes a demand. In 


some cases he will even give less for a while if he senses that she is demanding more. 

This pattern makes relationships with men very difficult for the unaware women. Though this 
problem may feel insurmountable, it can be solved. By remembering that men are from Mars 
you can learn new ways to ask for what you want-ways that work. 

In my seminars 1 have trained thousands of women in the art of asking, and they repeatedly 
have had immediate success. In this chapter we will explore the three steps involved in asking 
for and getting what you want. They are: (1) Practice asking correctly for what you're already 
getting; (2) Practice asking for more, even when you know he will say no, and accept his no; (3) 
Practice assertive asking. 

STEP 1: ASKING CORRECTLY FOR 
WHAT YOU ARE ALREADY GETTING 


The first step In learning how to get more In your relationships Is to practice asking for what 
you are already getting. Become aware of what your partner is already. doing for you. 
Especially the little things, like carrying boxes, fixing things, cleaning up, making calls, and 
other little chores. 

The important part of this stage is to begin asking him to do the little things he already does 
and not to take him for granted. Then when he does those things give him a lot of appreciation. 
Temporarily give up expecting him to offer his support unsolicited. 

In step 1, it is important not to ask for more than what he is 
used to giving. Focus on asking him to do little things that he normally does. Allow him to 
become used to hearing you ask for things in a nondemanding tone. 

When he hears a demanding tone, no matter how nicely you phrase your request, all he hears is 
that he is not giving enough. This makes him feel unloved and unappreciated. His tendency is 
then to give less until you appreciate what he is already giving. 

He may be conditioned by you (or his mother) immediately to say no to your requests. In step 1 
you will be reconditioning him to respond positively to your requests. When a man gradually 
realizes that he is appreciated and not taken for granted and that he pleases you, he will want 
to respond positively to your requests when he can. Then he will begin automatically offering 
his support. But this advanced stage shouldn't be expected in the beginning. 

But there's another reason to start by asking him for what he's already giving. You need to be 
sure you're asking in a way he can bear you and respond. That's what I mean when 1 say 
"asking correctly." 

rips for Motivating a MM 

There are five secrets of how to correctly as