k a Martian for support. If they are not observed, he 


may be easily turned off. They are: appropriate timing, nondemanding attitude, be brief, be 
direct, and use correct wording. 

Let's look at each more closely: 

1. Appropriate Timing. Be careful not to ask him to do something that he is obviously just 
planning to do. For example, if 
he Is about to empty the trash, don't say "Could you empty the trash?" He will feel you are 
telling him what to do. Timing is crucial. Also if he is fully focused on something don't expect 
him immediately to respond to your request. 

2. Nondemanding Attitude. Remember, a request is not a demand. If you have a resentful or 
demanding attitude, no matter how carefu lly you choose your words, he will feel 
unappreciated for what he has already given and probably say no. 
3. Be Brief Avoid giving him a fist of reasons why he should help you. Assume that lie doesn't 
have to be convinced. The longer you explain yourself the more he will resist, Long 
explanations validating your request make him feel as though you don't trust him to support 
you. He will start to feel manipulated instead of free to offer his support. 
just as a woman who is upset doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why 
she shouldn't be upset, a man doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why 
he should fulfill her request. 

Women mistakenly give a list of reasons to justify their needs. They think it will help him see 
that her request is valid and therefore motivate him. What a man hears is "This is why you have 
to do it." The longer the list, the more he may resist supporting you. If he asks you "why?" then 
you can give your reasons, but then again, be cautiously brief. Practice trusting that he will do 
it, if he can. Be as brief as possible. 

4. Be Direct. Women often think they are asking for support when they are not. When she needs 
support, a woman may present the problem but not directly ask for his support. She expects 
him to offer his support and neglects directly to ask for it. 
An indirect request implies the request but does not directly say it These indirect requests 
make a man feel taken for granted and unappreciated. Occasionally using indirect statements is 
certainly OK, but when they are repeatedly used, a man becomes resistant to giving his 
support. He may not even know why he is so resistant. The following statements are all 
examples of indirect requests and how a man might respond to them: 
WHAT HE MAY HEAR WHEN SHE 15 NONDIRECT 

What She should what she Should not -m What he how$ 
who 
(brief ;Q direct) (indirect) she Is indirect 


"Would you pick up "The kids need to be "If you 
can pick them 
the kids?" picked up and I can't do up you should, other 
it." wise 1 will feel very 
unsupported and 
resent you" (demand). 
"Would you bring in "The groceries are in "It's your 
job to bring 
the groceries?" the car."them in, I went shop 
ping" (expectation). 
"Would you empty the "I can't fit anything else "You 
haven't m~ 
trash ? in the trash can."the wash. You shouldn't 
wait so long" (criticism). 
"Would you clean up -The backyard is really "You 
didn't clean up 
the backyard?" a mess."the yard again. You 
should be more re 
sponsible, I shouldn't 
have to remind you" 
(rejection). 
"Would you bring in "The mail hasn't been "You 
forgot to bring in 
the mad?" brought in."the mail. You should re 
member" (disapproval). 
What she should s 

My What she should not My What he hors 
who 

brief and direct (inked) she is indirect 
,,Would you take us "I have no time to "I have done so 
much, 
out to eat tonight?" make dinner tonight. the least 
you could do 

is take us out tonight" 

(dissatisfaction). 
"Would you take me "We haven't gone out "You are 
neglecting me. 
out this week?" in weeks." I'm not getting what I 

need. You should take 
me out more often" 
(resentment). 


"Would you schedule "We need to talk." "It is your fault 
we 
some time to talk with don't talk enough. 
me?" You should talk with 
me more" (blame). 

5. Use Correct Wording. One of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of 
could and can In place of would and will. "Could you empty the trash?" is merely a question 
gathering information. "Would you empty the trash?" is a request. 
Women often use "could you?" indirectly to imply "would you?" As 1 mentioned before, 
Indirect requests are a turnoff. When used occasionally they certainly may go unnoticed, but 
persistently using can and could begins to irritate men. 

When 1 suggest to women that they begin asking for support, sometimes they panic because 
their partners have already made comments many times such as: 

� "Don't nag me." 
�---Don't ask me to do things all the time." 

� "Stop telling me what to do." 
" 1 already know what to do." 

"You don't have to tell me that." 
In spite of how it sounds to a woman, when a man makes this kind of comment, what he really 
means is 1. 1 don't like the wa y You ask!" If a woman doesn't understand how certain 
language' 'can 

,tr affect men, she will get even more snarled. She becomes afraid to ask and starts saying 
"Could you..." because she thinks she Is being more polite. Though this works well on Venus, 
it doesn't work at all on Mars. 

On Mars it would he an Insult to ask a man "Can you empty the trash?" Of course he can empty 
the trash! The question is not can he empty the trash but will he empty the trash. After he has 
been insulted, he may say no just because you have irritated him. 

What Men Want to Be Asked 

When 1 explain this distinction between the c words and the w words in my seminars, women 
tend to think 1 am making a big deal over nothing. To women there is not much difference-in 
fact, "could you?" may even seem more polite than "would you?" But to many men it is a big 
difference. Because this distinction is so important, I'm including comments by seventeen 
different men who attended my seminars. 


1. When 1 am asked "Could you clean up the backyard" 1 really take it literally. 1 say, "I could 
do it, sure it's possible." But 1 am not saying "I will do it," and 1 certainly don't feel like 1 am 
making a promise to do it. On the other hand, when 1 am asked " Would you clean up the 
backyard" 1 begin to make a decision, and 1 am willing to be supportive. If 1 say yes, the 
chances of my remembering to do it are much greater because 1 have made a promise. 
2. When she says "I need your help. Could you please help?" it sounds critical, like somehow 1 
have already failed her. It doesn't feel like an invitation to be the 
good guy 1 want to be and support her. On the other hand, "I need you help. Would you please 
carry this?" sounds like a request and an opportunity to be the good guy. 1 want to say yes. 

3. When my wife says "(,,in you change Christopher's diaper?" 1 think inside, Sure 1 can change 
it. 1 am capable, and a diaper is a simple thing to change. But then if 1 don't feel like doing It 1 
might make sonic excuse. Now, if she asked "Would you change Christopher's diaper?" 1 would 
say -Yeah, sure," and do it. Inside 1 wou ld feel, 1 like to participate and 1 enjoy helping raise 
our children. 1 want to help! 
4. When 1 am asked---Wouldyou help ine please?" it gives me an opportunity to help, and 1 am 
more than willing to support her, but when 1 hear"Could you help me please?'' I feel backed 
up against the wall, as if 1 have no choice. lf 1 have the ability to help then 1 am expected to 
help! l don't feel appreciated. 
5. 1 resent being asked "could you." 1 feel like 1 have no choice but to say yes. If 1 say. no she 
will be upset with me. It is not a request but a demand. 
6. 1 keep myself busk, or at least pretend to be busy so that the woman 1 work with doesn't ask 
me the "could you" question. With "would you" 1 feel 1 have a choice, and 1 want to help. 
7. 1 A1 
. Just this last week in), wife asked ine, "Could you plant the flowers today?" and without 
hesitation 1 said yes. Then when slit: came home she asked, " Did you plant the flower?" 1 said 
no. She said, "Could you do it tomor row ~ " and again, without hesitation, 1 Said 
yes. This happened every day this week, and the flowers are still not planted. 1 think if she had 
asked me "Would you plant the flowers tomorrow?" 1 would have thought about it, and if I had 
said yes I would have done it. 

8. When 1 say "Yes, 1 could do that" 1 am not committing myself to doing it. I am just saying 
that I could do it. 1 have not promised to do it. If she gets upset with me 1 feel like she doesn't 
have a right. If 1 say 1 will do it, then 1 can understand why she is upset if 1 don't do it. 
9. 1 grew up with five sisters, and now 1 am married and have three daughters. When my wife 
says "Can you bring out the trash?" 1 just don't answer. Then she asks "why?" and I don't even 

know. Now 1 realize why. 1 feel controlled. 1 can respond to "would you?" 

10. When 1 hear a "could you" I'll immediately say yes, and then over the next ten minutes 1 
will realize why I'm not going to do it and then ignore the question. But when I hear a "will 
you" a part of me comes up saying "Yes, I want to be of service," and then even if objections 
come up later in my mind, 1 will still fulfill her request because 1 have given my word. 
11. 1 will say yes to a "can you," but inside 1 resent her. 1 fee[ that if I say no she will throw a 
fit. 1 feel manipulated. When she asks "would you," I feet free to say yes or no. It is then my 
choice, and then I want to say yes. 
12. When a woman asks me "Would you do this?" 1 feel assured inside that 1 am going to get a 
point for this. 1 feel appreciated and happy to give. 
13. When 1 hear a "would you" 1 feel 1 am being trusted to serve. But w