hen 1 hear a "can you" or 
"could you" 1 hear a question behind the question. She is asking me if I can empty the trash 
when it is obvious that 1 could. But behind her question is the request, 
which she doesn't trust me enough to directly ask. 

14. When a woman asks "would you" or "will you" 1 feel her vulnerability. 1 am much more 
sensitive to her and her needs; 1 definitely don't want to reject her. 
When she says "could you" 1 a m much more apt to say no because 1 know it is not a rejection of 
her. It is simply an impersonal statement saying 1 can't do it. 

She won't take it personally if 1 say no to a "Could you do this?" 

15. For me, , would you" makes it personal, and 1 want to give, but "could you" makes it 
impersonal, and 1 will give if it is convenient or if 1 don't have anything else to do. 
16. When a woman says "Could you please help me?" 1 can feel her resentment and 1 will resist 
her, but if she says "Would you please help me" 1 can't hear any 
resentment, even if there is some. 1 am willing to say yes. 

17. When a woman says "Could you do this for me?" 1 get kind of honest and say "I'd rather 
not." The lazy part of me comes out. But when 1 hear a "Would you please?" I become creative 
and start thinking of ways to help. 
One way women are sure to relate to the significant difference between would and could is to 
reflect for a moment on this romantic scene. Imagine a man proposing marriage to a woman. 
His heart 
is full, like the moon shining above. Kneeling before her, he reaches out to hold her hands. 
Then he gazes up into her eyes and gently says, "Could you marry me?" 



Immediately the romance is gone. Using the c word he appears weak and unworthy. In that 
moment, he reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem. If instead he said "Would you marry me?" 
then both his strength and vulnerability are present. That is the way to propose. 

Similarly, a man requires that a woman propose her requests in this manner. Use the w words. 
The c words sound too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative. 

When she says "Could you empty the trash?" the message he receives is "If you can empty it 
then you should do it. 1 would do it for you!" From his point of view he feels it is obvious that 
he can do it. In neglecting to ask for his support he feels she is manipulating him or taking him 
for granted. He doesn't feel misted to be there for her if he can. 

1 remember one woman in a seminar explaining the difference in Venusian terms. She said, "At 
first 1 couldn't feel the difference between these two ways of asking. But then 1 turned it 
around. It feels very different to me when he says 'No, 1 can't do it' versus 'No, I will not do it.' 
The 'I will not do it' is a personal rejection. If he says 'I can't do it' then it is no reflection on me, 
it is Just that he can't do it.


Common mistakes in Asking 

The hardest part of learning to ask is remembering how to do it. Try using the w words 
whenever possible. It will take a lot of practice. 

To ask a man for support: 

1. Be direct. 
2. Be brief. 
3. Use "would you" or "will you" phrases. 
It's best not to be too indirect, too lengthy, or to employ phrases such as "could you" or "can 
you." Let's look at some examples. 

Dew Don't Say 

---Wouldyou empty the trash?" "This kitchen is a mess; it really 

stinks. 1 can't fit anything else into 

the trash bag. It needs to be emp 

tied. Could you do it?" 

(This is too long and uses could.) 
"Would you help me move this "I can't move this table. I need to 

table?" rearrange it before our party 

tonight. Could you please help?" 


(This is too long and uses could.) 
"Would you please put this away "I can't put all of this away." 
for me?" (This is an indirect message.) 
"Would you bring the groceries in 111 have four bags of groceries left 

from the car?" 
in the car. And 1 need that food to 
make dinner. Could you bring 
them in?" 
(This is too long, indirect, and uses 

could.) 

"Would you pick up a bottle of 
"You'll be going by the store. 

milk on your way home?" 
Lauren needs a bottle of milk. 1 
just can't go out again. 1 am so 
tired. Today was a bad day. Could 
you get it?" 
(This is too long. indirect, and uses 

could. ) 

-Wouldyou pick up Julie from 
---Julieneeds a ride home and 1 

school?" 
can't pick her up. Do you have 
time? Do You think you could pick 
her up?" 
(This is too long, indirect, and uses 

could. ) 

PR -m Don't say 

"Would you take Zoey to the vet 
"It's time for Zoey to get her shots. 

today?" 
Would you like to take her to the 
vet?" 
(This is too indirect.) 

"Would you take us out to dinner 
"I am too tired to make dinner. 

tonight?" 
We haven't gone out in a long 
time. Do you want to go out;" 
(This is too lengthy and indirect.) 

"Would you zip me up?" 
"I need your help. Could you zip 
me up?" 
(This is indirect and uses could. 

,Would you build a fire for us 
tonight?" 
(This is tbuild a fire?" 
oo indirect.) 
"It's really cold. Are you going to 
"Would you take me to a movie 
this week?" 
"Do you want to go to a movie 
this week?" 
(This is too indirect.) 
"Would you help Lauren put on "Lauren still hasn't put on her 

her shoes?" shoes! We are late. 1 can't do this 

all 

by myself! Could you help?" 


(This is too long, indirect, and uses 

could. ) 
"Would you sit down with me "I have no idea of what's going on. 
now or sometime tonight and talk We haven't talked and 1 need to 
about our schedule?" know what you are doing. 
3 .. (This is too long and 'Indirect.) 

As you have probably noticed by now, what You think has been asking is not asking to 
Martians-they hear something else. It takes a conscious effort to make these little but 
significant changes in the way you ask for support. 1 suggest practicing at least three months 
correcting the way you ask for things before moving on to step two. other request statements 
that work are "Would you please ... ?" and "Would you mind ... ?" 

Start out in step 1 by being aware of how many times you don't ask for support. Become aware 
of how you do ask when you do. With this increased awareness, then practice asking for what 
he 'S already giving you. Remember to be brief and direct. Then give him lots of appreciation 
and thanks. 

Common ~dons About Asking for Support 

This first step can be difficult. Here are some common questions, which give clues to both the 
objections and the resistance that women may have. 

1. Question. A woman might feel, Why should 1 have to ask him when I don't require him to 
ask me? 
Answer: Remember, men are from Mars; they are different. By accepting and working with his 
differences you will get what you n eed. If, instead, you try to change him he will stubbornly 
resist. Although asking for what you want is not second nature to Venusians, you can do it 
without giving up who you are. When he feels loved and appreciated he will gradually become 
more willing to offer his support without being asked. That is a later stage. 

2. Question. A woman may feel, Why should 1 appreciate what he does when 1 am doing more? 
Answer: Martians give less when they do not feel appreciated. If you want him to give more, 
then what he needs is more appreciation. Men are motivated by appreciation. If you are giving 
more it may, of course, be hard to appreciate him. Gracefully begin to give 
less so that you can appreciate him more By making this change, not only are you supporting 
him in feeling loved, but you will also get the support you need and deserve. 

3. Question. A woman may feel, If 1 have to ask him for support, he may think he is doing me a 
favor. 
Answer: This is how he should feel. A gift of love Is a favor. When a man feels he is doing you 


a favor, lie is then giving from his heart. Remember, he's a Martian and doesn't keep score the 
way you do. If he feels that you are telling him he is obligated to give, his heart closes and he 
gives less. 

4. Question. A woman may feel, If he loves me he should just offer his support, 1 shouldn't 
have to ask. 
Answer: Remember men are from Mars; they are different. Men wait to be asked. Instead of 
thinking, If he loves me he will offer his support, consider this thought, If he were a Venusian 
he would offer his support, but he's not, he's a Martian. By accepting this difference, he will be 
much more willing to support you, and gradually he will begin to offer his support. 

5. Question. A woman may feel, If 1 have to ask for things he will think 1 am not giving as 
much as he is. 1 am afraid -he may feel like he doesn't have to give me more! 
Answer: A man is more generous when he feels as though he doesn't have to give. In addition, 
when a man hears a woman asking for support (in a respectful way), whit he also hears is that 
she feels entitled to that support. He does not assume she has given less. Quite the contrary, he 
assumes she must be giving more or at least as much as he is, and that is why she feels good 
about asking. 

6. Question. A woman may feel, When 1 ask for support, 1 am afraid to be brief. 1 want to 
explain why 1 need his help. 1 don't want to appear demanding. 
Answer: When a man hears a request from his partner , he trusts 

she has good reasons for asking. If she gives him a lot of reasons why he should fulfill her 
request, he feels as though he can't say no, and if he can't say no then he feels manipulated or 
taken for granted. Let him give you a gift Instead of taking his support for granted. 

If he needs to understand more he will ask why. Then it is OK to give reasons. Even when he 
asks, be careful not to be too lengthy. Give one, or at most, two reasons. If he still needs more 
information, he'll let you know. 

STEP 2: PRACTICE ASKING FOR 