MORE 
(EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW HE MAY SAY NO) 

Before attempting to ask a man for more, make sure he feels appreciated for what he is already 
giving. By continuing to ask for his support without expecting him to do more than he has been 
doing he will feel not only appreciated but also accepted. 

When he is used to hearing you ask for his support without wanting more, he feels loved in 
your presence. He feels he doesn't have to change to get your love. At this point he will be 
willing to change and stretch his ability to support you. At this point you can risk asking for 
more without giving him the message that he is not good enough. 


The second step of this process is to let him realize that he can say no and still receive your 
love. When he feels that he can say no when you ask for more, he will feel free to say yes or no. 
Keep in mind that men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no. 

It's important that women learn both how to ask and how to accept no for an answer. Women 
usually intuitively feet what their partner's response will be even before they ask. If they sense 
that he will resist their request, they won't even bother asking. Instead, they 
will feel rejected. He, of course, will have no idea what h appened --all this has gone on in her 
head. 

In step 2, practice asking for support in all those situations where you would want to ask but 
don't because you feel his resistance. Go ahead and ask for support even if you sense his 
resistance; even if you know he will say no. 

For example, a wife might say to her husband, who is focused on watching the news, "Would 
you go to the grocery store and pick up some salmon for dinner?" When she asks this question, 
she is already prepared for him to say no. He is probably completely surprised because she has 
never interrupted him with a request like this before. He will probably make some excuse like 
"I am right in the middle of watching the news. Can't you do it?" 

She may feel like saying "Sure I could do it. But I am always doing everything around here. 1 
don't like being your servant. 1 want some help!" 

When you ask and sense you will get a rejection, prepare yourself for the no and have a ready 
answer like "OK." If you want to be really Martian in your response, you could say "no 
problem"-that would be music to his ears. A simple "OK" is fine, however. 

It is important to ask and then act as if it is perfectly OK for him to say no. Remember, you're 
making it safe for him to refuse. Use this approach only for situations that are really OK if he 
says no. Pick situations where you would appreciate his support but rarely ask for it. Make sure 
you will feel comfortable if he says no. 

These are some examples of what I mean: 

Men to ask What to M 

He is working on something and You say "Would you pick up 
Julie, 
you want him to pick up the kids. she just called?" 
Normally you wouldn't bother If he says no, then graciously 
and 
him, and so you do it yourself. simply say "OK." 
When to ask What to My 


He normally comes home and You say "Would you help me 
cut 
expects you to make dinner. You the potatoes?" or "Would you 
want him to make dinner, but you make dinner tonight?" 
never ask. You sense he resists If he says no, then graciously 
and 
cooking. simply say "OK." 
He normally watches TV after din-You say "Would you help me 
with 
ner while you wash the dishes. the dishes tonight?" or 
"Would 
You want him to wash them, or at you bring in the plates?" or 
wait 
least help, but you never ask. You for an easy night and say 
"Would 
sense he hates doing dishes. May-you do the dishes tonight?" 
be you don't mind it as much as he If he says no then graciously 
and 
does, so you go ahead and do it. simply say "OK. " 
He wants to go to a movie and You say "Would you take me 
you want to go dancin g. Normally dancing tonight? 1 love to 
dance 
you sense his desire to see the with you." 
movie and you don't bother asking If he says no, then graciously 
and 
to go dancing. simply say "OK." 
You are both tired and ready to go You say "Would you take the 
to bed. The trash is collected the trash out?" 
next morning. You sense how If he says no, then graciously and 
tired he is, so you don't ask him to simply say "OK." 
bring the trash out. 
He is very busy and preoccupied You say "Would you spend 
some 
with an important project. You time with me?" 
don't want to distract him because If he says no, then graciously 
and 
you sense how focused he is, but simply say "OK." 
you also want to talk with him. 
Normally you would sense his 
resistance and not ask for some time. 
When to ed What to -M 
He is focused and busy, but you You say "Would you give me 
a 


need to pick up your car, which ride today to pick up my car? 
It's 
has been in the shop. Normally being repaired." 
you anticipate how difficult it If he says no, then graciously 
and 
will be for him to rearrange his simply say "OK." 
schedule and you don't ask him 
for a ride. 

In each of the above examples, be prepared for him to say no and practice being accepting and 
trusting. Accept his no and trust that he would offer support if he could. Each time you ask a 
man for support and he isn't made wrong for saying no, he gives you between five and ten 
points. Next time you ask he will be more responsive to your request. In a sense, by asking for 
his support in a loving way, you are helping him stretch his ability to give more. 

1 first learned this from a woman employee years ago. We were working on a nonprofit project 
and needed volunteers. She was about to call Tom, who was a friend of mine. I told her not to 
bother because 1 already knew he would not be able to help this tune. She said she would call 
anyway. I asked her why, and she said, "When 1 call 1 will ask for his support, and when he 
says no 1 will be very gracious and understanding. Then next time, when I call for a future 
project, he will be more willing to say yes. He will have a positive memory of me." She was 
right. 

When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember 
that, and next time he will be much more willing to give. On the other hand, if you quietly 
sacrifice your needs and don't ask, he won't have any idea how many times he is needed. How 
could he know if you don't ask? 

As you gently continue to ask for more, occasionally your partner will be able to stretch his 
comfort zone and say yes. At this point it has become safe to ask for more. This is one way 
healthy relationships are built. 

Healthy Relationships 

A relationship is healthy when both partners have permission to ask for what they want and 
need, and they both have permission to say no if they choose. 

For example, 1 remember standing in the kitchen with a family friend one day when our 
daughter Lauren was five years old. She asked me to lift her up and do tricks, and I said, "No, 1 
can't today. I am real tired." 

She persisted, asking playfully, "Please, Daddy, please, Daddy, just one flip." 

The friend said, "Now, Lauren, your father is tired. He has worked hard today. You shouldn't 
ask." 


Lauren. immediately responded by saying, "I am just asking!" 

"But you know your father loves you," my friend said. "He can't say no to you." 

(The truth is, if he can't say no, that's his problem, not hers.) 

Immediately my wife and all three daughters said, "Oh yes he can!" 

I was proud of my family. It has taken a lot of work, but gradually we have learned to ask for 
support and also to accept no. 

STEP 3: PRACTICE ASSERTIVE ASKING 

Once you have practiced step 2 an d you can graciously accept a no, you are ready for step 3. In 
this step you assert your full power to get what you want. You ask for his support, and if he 
starts making excuses and resists your request, you don't say "OK" as in step 2. Instead you 
practice making it OK that he resists but continue waiting for him to say yes. 

Let's say he is on his way to bed, and you ask him. "Would you 
reply with "I made you dinner, I washed the dishes, I got the kids ready for bed, and all you 
did was plant yourself on this couch! 1 don't ask for much, but at least you could help now. 1 
am *so exhausted. I feel like 1 do everything around here." 

The argument starts. On the other hand, if you know that grumbles are just grumbles and are 
often his way of starting to say yes, your response will be silence. Your silence is a signal that 
you trust that he Is stretching Inside and about to say yes. 

Stretching is another way to understand a man's resistance to your requests. Whenever you ask 
for more, he has to stretch himself. If he is not in shape, he can't do it. That is why you have to 
prepare a man for step 3 by moving through steps 1 and 2. 

In addition, you know that it is more difficult to stretch in the morning. Later in the day you 
can stretch much farther and easier. When a man grumbles, just imagine that he is stretching in 
the morning. Once he has finished stretching he will feel great. He lust needs to grumble first. 

Programming a Man to Say Yes 

I first became conscious of this process when my wife asked me to buy some milk at the store 
when 1 was on my way to bed. 1 remember grumbling out loud. Instead of arguing with me, 
she just listened, assuming that eventually 1 would do it. Then finally 1 made a few banging 
noises on my way out, got in my car, and went to the store. 

Then something happened, something that happens to all men, something that women don't 
know about. As 1 now moved closer to my new goal, the milk, my grumbles went away. 1 


started feeling my love for my wife and my willingness to support. 1 started feeling like the 
good guy. Believe me, 1 liked that feeli