 was really upset with his mother for 
being so controlling. These feelings were just coming up, so he wrote a short Love Letter to his 
mother. To write this letter he imagined he was back when he was feeling controlled. After he 
wrote the letter suddenly he was n o longer upset with his partner. 
2. After months of falling in love, Lisa suddenly became critical of her partner. As she wrote a 
Love Letter she discovered that she was really feeling afraid that she was not good enough for 
him and afraid he was no longer interested in hen By becoming aware of her deeper fears she 
started to feel her loving feelings again. 
3. After spending a romantic evening together, Bill and jean got in a terrible fight the next day. 
It started when jean became a little angry with him for forgetting to do 
something. Instead of being his usual understanding self, suddenly Bill felt like he wanted a 
divorce. Later as he wrote a Love Letter he realized he was really afraid of being left or 
abandoned. He remembered how he felt as a child when his parents fought. He wrote a letter to 
his parents, and suddenly he felt loving toward his wife again. 

4. Susan's husband, Tom, was busy meeting a deadline at work. When he came home Susan felt 
extremely resentful and angry. One part of her understood the stress he was under, but 
emotionally she was still angry. While writing him a Love Letter she discovered that she was 
angry with her father for leaving her alone with her abusive mother. As a child she had felt 
powerless and abandoned, and these feelings were again coming up to be healed. She wrote a 
Love Letter to her father and suddenly she was no longer angry with Tom. 
5. Rachel was attracted to Phil until he said he loved her and wanted to make a commitment. 
The next day her mood suddenly changed. She began to have a lot of doubts and her passion 
disappeared. As she wrote him a Love Letter she discovered that she was angry with her father 
for being so passive and hurting her mother. After she wrote a Love Letter to her father and 
released her negative feelings, she suddenly felt attracted again to Phil. 
As you begin practicing Love Letters, you may not always experience past memories and 
feelings. But as you open up and go deeper into your feelings, it will become clearer that when 
you are really upset it is about something in your past as well. 

THE DELAYED REACTION RESPONSE 

just as love may bring up our past unresolved feelin gs, so does getting what you want. I 


remember when 1 first learned about this. Many years ago 1 had wanted sex from my partner, 
but she wasn't in the mood. In my mind 1 accepted that. The next day I hinted around, and she 
still was not interested. This pattern continued every day. 

By the end of two weeks I was beginning to feel resentful. But at that time in my life I didn't 
know how to communicate feelings. Instead of talking about my feelings and my frustration 1 
just kept pretending as if everything were OK. 1 was stuffing my negative feelings and trying 
to be loving. For two weeks my resentment continued to build. 

I did everything 1 knew to please her and make her happy, while inside I was resenting her 
rejection of me. At the end of two weeks I went out and bought her a pretty nightgown. 1 
brought it home and that evening 1 gave it to her. She opened the box and was happily 
surprised. I asked her to try it on. She said she wasn't in the mood. 

At this point I gave up. I just forgot about sex. 1 buried myself in work and gave up my desire 
for sex. In my mind I made it OK by suppressing my feelings of resentment. About two weeks 
later, however, when I came home from work, she had prepared a romantic meal and was 
wearing the nightgown 1 had bought her two weeks before. The lights were low and soft music 
was on in the background. 

You can imagine my reaction. All of a sudden I felt a surge of resentment. Inside I felt "Now 
you suffer for four weeks." All of the resentment that 1 had suppressed for the last four weeks 
suddenly was coming up. After talking about these feelings I realized that her willingness to 
give me what I wanted released my old resentments. 

When Couples Suddenly Fed Their Resentment 

1 began to see this pattern in many other situations. In my counseling practice, 1 also observed 
this phenomenon. When one partner was finally willing to make a change for the better, the 
other would become suddenly indifferent and unappreciative. 

As soon as Bill was willing to give Mary what she had been asking for, she would have a 
resentful reaction like "Well, it is too late" or "So what." 

Repeatedly I have counseled couples who have been married for over twenty years. Their 
children have grown up and left home. Suddenly the woman wants a divorce. The man wakes 
up and realizes that he wants to change and get help. As he starts to make changes and give her 
the love she has been wanting for twenty years, she reacts with cold resentment. 

It is as though she wants him to suffer for twenty years just as 
she did. Fortunately that is not the case. As they continue to share 
feelings and he hears and und erstands how she has been neglected, 

she gradually becomes mor his changes. This can also 


e receptive to go the other way; a man wants to leave and the woman becomes willing to 
change, but he resists. 

The Crisis of Rising Expectations 

Another example of the delayed reaction occurs on a social level. In sociology it is called the 
crisis of rising expectations. It occurred 'm the sixties during the johnson administration. For 
the first time minorities were given more rights than ever before. As a result there were 
explosions of anger, rioting, and violence. All of the pent-up racial feelings wer e suddenly 
released. 

This is another example of repressed feelings surfacing. When the minorities felt more 
supported they felt an upsurge of resentful and angry feelings. The unresolved feelings of the 
past started coming up. A similar reaction is occurring now in countries where people are 
finally gaining their freedom from abusive government leaders. 

WHY HEALTHY PEOPLE MAY NEED COUNSELING 

As you grow more intimate in your relationships, love increases. As a result, deeper, more 
painful feelings will come up that need to be healed deep feelings like shame and fear. Because 
we generally do 
not know how to deal with these painful feelings, we become stuck. 

To heal them we need to share them, but we are too afraid or ashamed to reveal what we are 
feeling. At such times we may become depressed, anxious, bored, resentful, or simply 
exhausted for no apparent reason at all. These are all symptoms of our "stuff" coming up and 
being blocked. 

Instinctively you will want to either run away from love or increase y our addictions. This is the 
time to work on your feelings and not run away. When deep feelings come up you would be 
very wise to get the help of a therapist. 

When deep feelings come up, we project our feelings onto our partner. If we did not feel safe to 
express our feelings to our parents or a past partner, all of a sudden we cannot get in touch with 
our feelings in the presence of our present partner. At this point, no matter how supportive your 
partner is, when you are with your partner you will not feel safe. Feelings will be blocked. 

It is a paradox: because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears have a chance to 
surface. When they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel. Your fear 
may even make you numb. When this happens the feelings that are coming up get stuck. 

This is when having a counselor or therapist is tremendously helpful. When you are with 
someone you are not projecting your fears on, you can process the feelings that are coming up. 
But if you are only with your partner, you may feel numb. 


This is why people with even very loving relationships may inevitably need the help of a 
therapist. Sharing in support groups also has this liberating effect. Being with others whom we 
don't know intimately but who are supportive creates an opening for our wounded feelings to 
be shared. 

When our unresolved feelings are being projected on our inti 

mate partner, he or she is powerless to help us. All our par tner can do is encourage us to get 
support. Understanding how our past continues to affect our relationships frees us to accept the 
ebb and flow of love. We begin to trust love and its healing process. To keep the magic of love 
alive we must be flexible and adapt to the ongoing changing seasons of love. 

THE SEASONS OF LOVE 

A relationship is like a garden. If it is to thrive it must be watered 
regularly. Special care must he given, taking into account the sea 
sons as well as any unpredictable weather. New seeds must be sown 
and weeds must be pulled. Similarly; to keep t he magic of love alive 
we must understand its seasons and nurture love's special needs. 

The Springtime of Love 

Failing in love is like springtime. We feel as though we will be happy forever. We cannot 
imagine not loving our partner. It is a time of innocence. Love seems eternal. It is a magical 
time when everything seems perfect and works effortlessly. Our partner seems to be the perfect 
fit. We effortlessly dance together in harmony and rejoice in our good fortune. 

The Summer of Love 

Throughout the summer of our love we realize our partner is not as perfect as we thought, and 
we have to work on our relationship. Not only is our partner from another planet, but he or she 
is also a human who makes mistakes and is flawed in certain ways. 

Frustration and disappointment arise; weeds need to be uprooted and plants need extra 
watering under the hot sun. It is no longer easy to give love and get the love we need. We 
