solicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs, providing information, or 
making a request. 

Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering 


advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list, remember that these little 
things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements 
the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled. 

1. "How can you think of buying that? You already have one." 
2. "Those dishes are still wet. They'll dry with spots" 
3. "Your hair is getting kind of long, isn't It?" 
4. "There's a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around." 
5. "You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?" 
6. "You shouldn't work so hard. Take a day off." 
7. "Don't put that there. It will get lost." 
8. "You should call a plumber. He'll know what to do." 
9. "Why are we waiting for a table? Didn't you make reservations? " 
10. "You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you. " 
11. "Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up> " 
12. "You forgot to bring it home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can 
remember it." 
13. "You're driving too fast. Slow down or you'll get a ticket." 
14. "Next time we should read the movie reviews." 
15. "I didn't know where you were." (You should have called.) 
16. "Somebody drank from the juice bottle." 
17. "Don't eat with your fingers. You're setting a bad example." 
18. "Those potato chips are too greasy. They're not good for your heart." 
19. "You are not leaving yourself enough time." 
20. "You should give me more [a dvance] notice. 1 can't just drop everything and go to lunch 
with you." 

21. "Your shirt doesn't match your pants." 
22. "Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?" 
23. "Your toolbox is such a mess. 1 can't find anything. You should organize it." 
When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter 12) or 
constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9), she may feel powerless to get what she 
needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again , we explore this topic more fully 
later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a big 
step. 

By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, 
she can take his rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways of communicating 
her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he 
is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself. 

If you are a woman, 1 suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any 
unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be 
more attentive and responsive to you. 

If you are a man, 1 suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman 
speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. 
Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is 
feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you. 
Chapter 3 

Men Go to Their Caves 
and Women Talk 

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men 
become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed 
and emotionally involved. At these times, a man's needs for feeling good are differ ent from a 
woman's He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. 
Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our 
relationships. Let's look at a common example. 


When Tom comes home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. He is 
stressed by the unsolved problems of his day and finds relief through forgetting them. 


His wife, Mary, also wants to relax from her stressful day. She, however, wants to find relief by 
talking about the problems of her day. The tension slowly building between them gradually 
becomes resentment. 


Tom secretly thinks Mary talks too much, while 
Mary feels ignored. Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart. 



You proba bly can recognize this situation because it is just one of many examples where men 
and women are at odds. This problem is not just Tom and Mary's but is present in almost every 
relationship. 

Solving this problem for Tom and Mary depends not on how much th ey loved each other but 
on how much they understood the opposite sex. 

Without knowing that women really do need to talk about problems to feel better, Tom would 
continue to think Mary talked too much and resist listening to her. Without knowing that Tom 
was reading the news to feel better, Mary would feel ignored and neglected. She would persist 
in trying to get him to talk when he didn't want to. 

These two differences can be resolved by first understanding in greater detail how men and 
women cope with stress. Let's again observe life on Mars and Venus and glean some insights 
about men and women. 

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS 

When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him* He would never 
burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend's assistance was necessary to solve 
the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to th ink about his 
problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better 
and comes out of his cave. 

If he can't find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news 
or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can 
relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more 
challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain. 

When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone 
she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share 
feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way. 

On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust 
and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent 
not on looking "competent" but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share 
feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted. 

A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her 
feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his 
cave. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today. 

FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE 

When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a 


problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so 
focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. 
Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background. 

At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and p reoccupied in his 
relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only 5 
percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is still at work. 
His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a 
solution. The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he 
is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and 
certainly deserves. Flis mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he 
can find a solution, instantly he Will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is 
available for being in a relationship again. 

However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave. To get 
unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his 
car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth. Any 
challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in 
forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to 
his problem with greater success. 

Let's explore in greater detail a few examples. Ji m commonly uses reading the newspaper to 
forget his problems. When he reads the paper he is no longer being confronted with the 
problems of his day. With the 5 percent of his mind that is not focused on his work problems, 
he begins forming opinions and finding solutions for the world's problems. Gradually his 
mind becomes increasingly involved with the problems in the news and he forgets his own. In 
this way he makes the transition from being focused on his problems at work to focusing on 
the many problems of the world (for which he is not directly responsible. This process releases 
his mind from the gripping problems of work so he can focus on his wife and family again. 

Tom watches a football game to release his stress and unwind. He releases his mind from 
trying to solve his own problems by solving the problems of his favorite team. Through 
watching sports he can vicariously feel he has solved a problem with each play. When his team 
scores points or wins, he enjoys the feeling of success. If his team loses , he suffers their loss as 
his own. In either case, however, his mind 