is released from the grip of his real problems. 

For Tom and many men the inevitable release of tension that 

occurs at the completion of any sporting event, news event, or movie provides a release from 
the tension he feels in his life. 

Now Women Read to the Cove 

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she 
deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn't know how 


stressed he is. If he were to come home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more 
compassionate. Instead he doesn't talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She 
can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesn't care about her because he isn't talking to 
her. 

Women generally do not understand how Martians cope with stress. They expect men to open 
up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do. When a man is stuck in his cave, a 
woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes 
outside to play some basketball and ignores her. 

To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as 
unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete 
sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings j ust as it is 
a mistake to expect a woman's feelings to always be rational and logical. 

When Martians go to their caves they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems 
too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first 
take care of yourself. When a woman sees a man react in this way, she generally resists it and 
resents the man. 

She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this 
uncaring man. By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his 
reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about 
her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him. 
On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they 
are in the cave. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his cave may affect women, he can 
be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. Remembering that women are 
from Venus helps him to be more understanding and respectful of her reactions and feelings. 
Without understanding the validity of her reactions, a man commonly defends himself, and 
they argue. These are five common misunderstandings: 

1. When she says "You don't listen," he says "What do you mean 1 don't listen. 1 can tell you 
everything you said." 
When a man is in the cave he can record what she is saying with the 5 percent of mind that is 
listening. A man reasons that if he is listening with 5 percent, then he is listening. However, 
what she is asking for is his full undivided attention. 

2. When she says "I feel like you are not even here," he says "What do you mean I'm not here? 
Of course 1 am here. Don't you see my body?" 
He reasons that if his body is present then she shouldn't say he is not there. However, though 
his body is present, she doesn't feel his full presence, and that is what she means. 

3. When she says "You don't care about me," he says "Of course 1 care about you. Why do you 

think 1 am trying to solve this problem?" 

He reasons that because he is preoccupied with solving a problem that will in some way 
benefit her, she should know he cares for her. However, she needs to feel his direct attention 
and caring, and that is what she is really asking for. 

4. When she says "I feel like I am not important to you," he says "That's ridiculous. Of course 
you are important." 
He reasons that her feelings are invalid because he is solving problems to benefit her. He 
doesn't realize that when he focuses on one problem and ignores th e problems she is bothered 
by that almost any woman would have the same reaction and take it personally and feel 
unimportant. 

5. When she says "You have no feelings. You are in your head," he says "What's wrong with 
that? How else do you expect me to solve this problem?" 
He reasons that she is being too critical and demanding because he is doing something that is 
essential for him to solve problems. He feels unappreciated. In addition he doesn't recognize 
the validity of her feelings Men generally don't realize how extremely and quickly they may 
shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant. In his cave a man is 
preoccupied with solving his problem and is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might 
feel to others. 

TO increase cooperation both men and women need to understand each other better. When a 
man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with 
stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain. 

At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important 
for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about 
her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave 
and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt. 

FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING 

When a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the 
possible problems that are associated with her feelings. When she begins talking she does not 
prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and 
small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather 
seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her 
problems, she becomes less upset. 

As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress 
tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible 
problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings 
in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly 


she is no longer so overwhelmed. 

To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even 
problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the 
way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self. 

When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her 
various problems. Gradually, if she feels she is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking 
about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to 
expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need 
not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, 
her 

awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems. 

just as a man who is stuck in the cave needs little problems to distract him, a woman who 
doesn't feel heard will need to talk about other problems that are less immediate to feel relief. 
To forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of 
others. In addition she may find relief through discussing the problems of her friends, 
relatives, and associates. Whether she is talking about her problems or others' problems, 
talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress. 

Now Men React Wh en Women Ned to Talk 

When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him 
about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he 
feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn't know that she 
will appreciate it if he just listens. 

Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are 
seeking advice. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less 
upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice. 

If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr Fix-It hat to solve her problems. 
If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. In 
both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen. 

If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. After 
offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. This is because Martians 
themselves feel better with solutions, as long as they have asked for a solution to be offered. 
When she doesn't feel better, he feels 
his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated. 

On the other hand, if he feels attacked, then he begins to defend himself. He thinks if he 
explains himself that she will stop blaming him. The more he defends himself, however, the 


more upset she becomes. He doesn't realize that explanations are not what she needs. She 
needs him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems. If he is 
wise and lust listens, then a few moments after she is complaining about him, she will change 
the subject and talk about other problems as well. 

Men also become particularly frustrated when a woman talks about problems that he can do 
nothing about. For example, when a woman is stressed she could complain: 

� "I'm not getting paid enough at work." 
� "MY Aunt Louise is getting sicker and sicker, each year she gets sicker." 
� "Our house just isn't big enough." 
� "This is such a dry season. When is it goin