g to rain. 
� "We are almost overdrawn in our bank account." 
A woman might make any of the above comments as a way of expressing her worries, 
disappointments, and frustrations. She may know that nothing more can be done to solve these 
problems, but to find relief she still needs to talk about them. She feels supported if the 
listener relates to her frustration and disappointment. She may, however, frustrate her mate 
partner-unless he understands that she just needs to talk about it and then she will feet better. 

Men also become impatient when women talk about problems in great detail. A man 
mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks in great detail that all the details are necessary 
for him to find a solution to her problem. He struggles to find their relevance and .becomes 
impatient. Again he doesn't realize that she is looking not for a solution from him but for his 
caring and understanding. 

In addition, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical 
order when she randomly changes from 

one problem to another. After she has shared three or four problems he becomes extremely 
frustrated and confused trying logically to relate these problems. 

Another reason a man may resist listening is that he is looking for the bottom line. He cannot 
begin formulating his solution until he knows the outcome. The more details she gives the 
more he is frustrated while listening. His frustration is lessened if he can 

remember that she is greatly benefiting by talking about the details. if he can remember that 
talking in detail is helping her to feel good, 

then he can relax. just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving 
a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems. 


Something a woman can do to make it a little easier for a man is to let him know in advance the 
outcome of the story and then go 

back and give the details. Avoid keeping him in suspense. Women commonly enjoy letting the 
suspense build because it brings more 

feeling into the story. Another woman appreciates this buildup, but a man can be easily 
frustrated. 

The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist 
her when she is talking about problems. As a man learns more how to fulfill a woman and 
provide her emotional support he discovers that listening Is not so difficult. More important, if 
a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesn't 
have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen. 

NOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACE 

The Martians and Venusians lived together in peace because they were able to respect their 
differences. The Martians learned to 
respect that Venusians needed to talk to feel better. Even if he didn't have much to say, he 
learned that by listening he could be very supportive. The Venusians learned to respect that 
Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The cave was no longer a great mystery or 
cause for alarm. 

What the Martians Learned 

The Martians realized that even when they felt they were being attacked, blamed, or criticized 
by the Venusians it was only temporary; soon the Venusians would suddenly feel better and be 
very appreciative and accepting. By learning to listen, the Martians discovered how much the 
Venusians really thrived on talking about problems. 

Each Martian found peace of mind when he finally understood that a Venusian's need to talk 
about her problems was not because he was failing her in some way. In addition he learned 
that once a Venusian feels heard she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very 
positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for 
solving all her problems. 

Many men and even women are very judgmental of the need to talk about problems because 
they have never experienced how healing it can be. They have not seen how a woman who feels 
heard suddenly can change, feel better, and sustain a positive attitude. Generally they have 
seen how a woman (probably their mother) who did not feel heard continued to dwell on her 
problems. This happens to women when they do not feel loved or heard over an extended 
period of time. The real problem, however, is that she feels unloved, not that she is talking 
about problems. 


After the Martians learned how to listen they made a most amazing discovery. They began to 
realize that listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help them come out of 
their caves in the same way as watching the news on TV or reading a newspaper. 

Similarly, as men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes 
much easier. As a man gets good at 

listening, he realizes that listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of his day as 
well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner. But on days when he is really stressed he may 
need to. be in his cave and slowly come out by some other distraction, like the news or a 
competitive sport. 

What fin Venusians Learned 

The Venusians also found peace of mind when they finally understood that a Martian going 
into his cave was not a sign that he didn't love her as much. They learned to be more accepting 
of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress. 

The Venusians were not offended when Martians were easily distracted. When a Venusian 
talked and a Martian became distracted, she would very politely stop talking, stand there, and 
wait for him to notice. Then she would begin talking again. She understood that sometimes it 
was hard for him to give his full attention. The Venusians discovered tha t by asking for the 
Martians' attention in a relaxed and accepting manner the Martians were happy to redirect their 
attention. 

When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their caves, the Venusians also did not 
take it personally. They. learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a 
time to talk about problems with their friends or have fun and go shopping. When the 
Martians thereby felt loved and accepted, the Venusians discovered that the Martians would 
more quickly come out of their caves. 

Chapter 4 

How to Motivate the 
Opposite Sex 


Centuries before the Martians and Venusians got together they had been quite happy living in 
their separate worlds. Then one day everything changed. The Martians and Venusians on their 
respective planets suddenly became depressed. It was this depression, however, that motivated 
them eventually to come together. 

Understanding the secrets of their transformation helps us today to recognize how men and 
women are motivated in different ways. With this new awareness you will be better equipped 
to support your partner as well as get the support you need at difficult and stressful times. Let's 
go back in time and pretend to witness what happened. 

When the Martians became depressed, everyone on the planet left the cities and went to 


their caves for a long time. They were stuck and couldn't come out, until one day when a 
Martian happened to glimpse the beautiful Venusians through his telescope. As he quickly 
shared his telescope, the sight of these beautiful beings inspired the Martians, and their 
depression miraculously lifted. Suddenly they felt needed. They came out of their caves and 
began budding a fleet of spaceships to fly to Venus. 

When the Venusians became depressed, to feel better they formed circles and began talking 
with one another about their problems. But this didn't seem to relieve the depression. They 
stayed depressed for a long time until through their intuition they experienced a vision. Strong 
and wondrous beings (the Martians) would be coming across the universe to love, serve, and 
support them. Suddenly they felt cherished. As they shared their vision their depres sion lifted, 
and they happily began preparing for the arrival of the Martians. 

These secrets of motivation are still applicable. Men are moti vated and empowered when 
they feel needed. When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes 
passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. On the 
other hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his 
efforts, he is empowered and has more to give. 

Like the Venusians, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When a 
woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively 
responsible and exhausted from giving too much. On the other hand when she feels cared for 
and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well. 

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN 

A man falling in love with a woman is similar to what took place when the first Martian 
discovered the Venusians. Stuck in his cave and unable to find the source of his depression, he 
was searching the sky with his telescope. As if he had been struck by lightn ing, in one glorious 
moment his life was permanently changed. He had glimpsed 
through his telescope a vision he described as awesome beauty and grace. 

He had discovered the Venusians. His body lit on fire. As he watched the Venusians, for the 
first time in his life he began to care about someone other than himself. From just one glimpse 
his life had new meaning. His depression lifted. 

Martians have a win/lose philosophy -l want to win, and 1 don't care if you lose. As long as each 
Martian took care of himself this formula worked fine. It worked for centuries, but now it 
needed to be changed. Giving primarily to themselves was no longer as satisfying. Being in 
love, they wanted the Venusians to win as much as themsel