s she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their 
unhappiness. She feels the injustice of giving more than she has received. 

Although she has not received what she deserved, to improve her relationships she needs to 
recognize how she contributed to the problem. When a woman gives too much she should not 
blame her par tner. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being 
negative or unreceptive to him. In both cases, blaming does not work. 

Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our 
partners. When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, 
a man can be cornpassionate and offer his support even if she doesn't ask for It, listen to 

"0 

her even if at first it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little 
things for her to show that he cares. 

Instead of blaming a man for giving less, a woman can accept and forgive her partner's 
imperfections, especially when he disappoints her, trust that he wants to give more when lie 
doesn't offer his 
support, and encourage him to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to 
ask for his support. 

SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS 

most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give 
without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to 
keep it even by regulating how much she gives. 


Let's look at an example. Jim was thirty -nine and his wife, Susan, was fortyone when they came 
for counseling. Susan wanted a divorce. She complained that she had been giving more than he 
had for twelve years and could not take it any more. She blamed Jim for being lethargic, 
selfish, controlling, and unromantic. She said she had nothing left to give and was ready to 
leave. He convinced her to come to therapy, but she was doubtful. In a six -month period they 
were able to move through the three steps for healing a relationship. Today they are happily 
married with three children'. 

Step 1: Motivation 

I explained to Jim that his wife was experienc ing twelve years of accumulated resentment. If 
he wanted to save this marriage, he would have to do a lot of listening for her to be motivated 
to work on their marriage. For the first six sessions together, 1 encouraged Susan to share her 
feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings. This was the hardest 
part of their healing process. As he began to really hear her pain and unfulfilled needs, he 
became increasingly motivated and confident that he could make the changes necessary to have 
a loving relationship. 

Before Susan could be motivated to work on their relationship, she needed to be heard and feel 
that Jim validated her feelings: this was the first step. After Susan fel t understood, they were 
able to proceed to the next step. 

Step 2: Responsibility 

The second step was taking responsibility. Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting 
his wife, while Susan needed to take responsibility for not setting boundaries. Jim apologized 
for the ways he had hurt her. Susan realized that just as he had stepped over her boundaries by 
treating her in disrespectful ways (such as yelling, grumbling, resisting requests, and 
invalidating feelings), she had not set her boundaries . Although she did not need to apologize, 
she did acknowledge some responsibility for their problems. 

As she gradually accepted that her inability to set limits and her tendency to give more had 
contributed to their problems, she was able to be more. forgiving. Taking responsibility for her 
problem was essential to releasing her resentment. In this way they both were motivated to 
learn new ways of supporting each other through respecting limits. 

Step 3: Practice 

Jim particularly needed to learn how to respect her boundaries, while Susan needed to learn 
how to set them. Both of them needed to learn how to express honest feelings in a respectful 
way. They agreed in this third step to practice setting and respecting limits, knowing that at 
times they would make mistakes. Being able to make mistakes gave them a safety net while 
they both practiced. These are some examples of what they learned and practiced: 

* Susan practiced saying "I don't like the way you are talking. Please stop yelling or 1 will leave 

the room." After leaving the room a few times, she didn't need to do it anymore. 0 When Jim 
would make requests that she would later resent doing, she practiced saying "No, 1 need to 
relax" or "No, I'm too busy today." She discovered that he was more attentive to her because he 
understood how busy or tired she was. * Susan told Jim that she wanted to go on a vacation, 
and when he said he was too busy she said that she would go alone. Suddenly he shifted his 
schedule and wanted to go. * When they talked and Jim interrupted, she practiced saying "I'm 
not finished, please hear me out." Suddenly he started listening more and interrupting less. 0 
Susan's most difficult task was to practice asking for what she wanted. She said to me, "Why 
should I have to ask, after all 1 have done for him?" I explained that making him responsible 
for knowing her wants was not only unrealistic but a big part of her problem. She needed to be 
responsible for getting her needs fulfilled. * Jim's most difficult challenge was to be respectful 
of her changes and not expect her to be the same accommodating partner he originally married. 
He recognized that it was as difficult for her to set limits as it was for him to adjust to them. He 
understood that they would become graceful as they had more practice. 

As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he 
automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behavior patterns and to start 
making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to sets limits, then 
automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and 
receiving support. When a woman set limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more. 

LEARNING TO RECEIVE 

Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too 
much and then being rejected, judged, or abandoned. Rejection, judgment, and abandonment 
are most 

painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy 
of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to 
suppress her feelings, needs, or wishes. 

A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn't deserve 
to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more 
vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in 
the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. A part of 
her imagines that she will not be supported. 

Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the- support she 
needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn't trust him to fulfill her needs, then he 
feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid 
needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she 
doesn't trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but 
are turned off by neediness. 

At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in 


truth it is her hopelessness, desperation, and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing 
that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the 
difference between needing and neediness. 

"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one 
that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately 
needing support because you don't trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them 
feel rejected and unappreciated. 

For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is 
especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then 
be ignored, forgotten, or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being 
ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy. 
New the Venusians L~ to Feel Worthy 

For centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being 
attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they 
did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy. 
After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and 
support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support. 

This process of giving to others prepared them for the wisdom of selfesteem. Through giving to 
others they came to see that others truly were worthy of receiving, and thus they began to see 
that everyone deserved to be loved. Then, finally, they saw that they too deserved to receive. 

Here on Earth, when a little girl experiences her mother receiv ing love, then automatically she 
feels worthy. She is able easily to overcome the Venusian compulsion to give too much. She 
doesn't have to overcome a fear of receiving because she identifies so closely with her mother. 
If her mother has learned this wisdom then the child automatically learns it through observing 
and feeling her mother. If the mother is open 