onscious though he was at the
time. Breakable. Huge as he was, he'd looked very breakable. Maybe that had just been my
imagination, coupled with the knowledge that I was going to have to break him.
If only I could be struck by lightning and be split in two. Preferably painfully. For the first
time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it might be too much to lose.
I put Charlie's dinner on the table next to his elbow and headed for the door.
"Er, Bella? Could you wait just a second?"
"Did I forget something?" I asked, eyeing his plate.
"No, no. I just . . . want to ask a favor." Charlie frowned and looked at the floor. "Have a
seat - this won't take long."
I sat across from him, a little confused. I tried to focus. "What do you need, Dad?"
"Here's the gist of it, Bella." Charlie flushed. "Maybe I'm just feeling . . . superstitious after
hanging out with Billy while he was being so strange all day. But I have this . . . hunch. I feel
like . . . I'm going to lose you soon."
"Don't be silly, Dad," I mumbled guiltily. "You want me to go to school, don't you?"
"Just promise me one thing."
I was hesitant, ready to rescind. "Okay . . ."
"Will you tell me before you do anything major? Before you run off with him or something?"
"Dad . . . ," I moaned.
"I'm serious. I won't kick up a fuss. Just give me some advance notice. Give me a chance to
hug you goodbye."
Cringing mentally, I held up my hand. "This is silly. But, if it makes you happy, . . . I
promise."
"Thanks, Bella," he said. "I love you, kid."
"I love you, too, Dad." I touched his shoulder, and then shoved away from the table. "If you
need anything, I'll be at Billy's."
I didn't look back as I ran out. This was just perfect, just what I needed right now. I
grumbled to myself all the way to La Push.
Carlisle's black Mercedes was not in front of Billy's house. That was both good and bad.
Obviously, I needed to talk to Jacob alone. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edward's
hand, like I had before, when Jacob was unconscious. Impossible. But I missed Edward - it
had seemed like a very long afternoon alone with Alice. I supposed that made my answer
quite obvious. I already knew that I couldn't live without Edward. That fact wasn't going to
make this any less painful.
I tapped quietly on the front door.
"Come in, Bella," Billy said. The roar of my truck was easy to recognize.
I let myself in.
"Hey, Billy. Is he awake?" I asked.
"He woke up about a half hour ago, just before the doctor left. Go on in. I think he's been
waiting for you."
I flinched, and then took a deep breath. "Thanks."
I hesitated at the door to Jacob's room, not sure whether to knock. I decided to peek first,
hoping - coward that I was - that maybe he'd gone back to sleep. I felt like I could use just a
few more minutes.
I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in.
Jacob was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, gaunt look was gone, but
only a careful blankness took its place. There was no animation in his dark eyes.
It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I
would have thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time.
Thankfully, someone had covered him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the
extent of the damage.
I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me.
"Hi, Jake," I murmured.
He didn't answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment. Then, with some effort,
he rearranged his expression into a slightly mocking smile.
"Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that." He sighed. "Today has definitely taken a turn
for the worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory.
Then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove she's as tough as the rest of us and I have to be
the idiot who saves her. And now this." He waved his left hand toward me where I hesitated
by the door.
"How are you feeling?" I mumbled. What a stupid question.
"A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn't sure how much pain medication I need, so he's going with trial
and error. Think he overdid it."
"But you're not in pain."
"No. At least, I can't feel my injuries," he said, smiling mockingly again.
I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didn't anyone ever try to kill me
when Iwanted to die?
The wry humor left his face, and his eyes warmed up. His forehead creased, like he was
worried.
"How about you?" he asked, sounding really concerned. "Are you okay?"
"Me?" I stared at him. Maybe hehad taken too many drugs."Why?"
"Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldn't actuallyhurt you, but I wasn't sure how bad
it was going to be. I've been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke
up. I didn't know if you were going to be allowed to visit or anything. The suspense was
terrible. How did it go? Was he mean to you? I'm sorry if it was bad. I didn't mean for you to
have to go through that alone. I was thinking I'd be there. . . ."
It took me a minute to even understand. He babbled on, looking more and more awkward,
until I got what he was saying. Then I hurried to reassure him.
"No, no, Jake! I'm fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasn't mean. I wish!"
His eyes widened in what looked like horror."What?"
"He wasn't even mad at me - he wasn't even mad atyou ! He's so unselfish it makes me feel
even worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. It's not like I don't deserve . . .
well, much worse that getting yelled at. But he doesn't care. He just wants me to behappy. "
"He wasn't mad?" Jacob asked, incredulous.
"No. He was . . . much too kind."
Jacob stared for another minute, and then he suddenly frowned. "Well,damn !" he growled.
"What's wrong, Jake? Does it hurt?" My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his
medication.
"No," he grumbled in a disgusted tone. "I can't believe this! He didn't give you an ultimatum
or anything?"
"Not even close - what's wrong with you?"
He scowled and shook his head. "I was sort of counting on his reaction. Damn it all. He's
better than I thought."
The way he said it, though angrier, reminded me of Edward's tribute to Jacob's lack of ethics
in the tent this morning. Which meant that Jake was still hoping, still fighting. I winced as
that stabbed deep.
"He's not playing any game, Jake," I said quietly.
"You bet he is. He's playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he's doing and I
don't. Don't blame me because he's a better manipulator than I am - I haven't been around
long enough to learn all his tricks."
"He isn't manipulating me!"
"Yes, he is! When are you going to wake up and realize that he's not a perfect as you think
he is?"
"At least he didn't threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him," I snapped. As soon as the
words were out, I flushed with chagrin. "Wait. Pretend that didn't slip out. I swore to myself
that I wasn't going to say anything about that."
He took a deep breath. When he spoke, he was calmer. "Why not?"
"Because I didn't come here to blame you for anything."
"It's true, though," he said evenly. "I did do that."
"I don't care, Jake. I'm not mad."
He smiled. "I don't care, either. I knew you'd forgive me, and I'm glad I did it. I'd do it again.
At least I have that much. At least I made you see that youdo love me. That's worth
something."
"Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?"
"Don't you think you ought to know how you feel - just so that it doesn't take you by surprise
someday when it's too late and you're a married vampire?"
I shook my head. "No - I didn't mean better for me. I meant better foryou. Does it make
things better or worse for you, having me know that I'm in love with you? When it doesn't
make a difference either way. Would it have been better, easier for you, if I never clued in?"
He took my question as seriously as I'd meant it, thinking carefully before he answered. "Yes,
it's better to have you know," he finally decided. "If you hadn't figured it out . . . I'd have
always wondered if your decision would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did
everything I could." He dragged in an unsteady breath, and closed his eyes.
This time I did not - could not - resist the urge to comfort him. I crossed the small room and
kneeled by his head, afraid to sit on the bed in case I jostled it and hurt him, and leaned in to
touch my forehead to his cheek.
Jacob sighed, and put his hand on my hair, holding me there.
"I'm so sorry, Jake."
"I always knew this was a long shot. It's not your fault, Bella."
"Not you, too," I moaned. "Please."
He pulled away to look at me. "What?"
"Itis my fault. And I'm so sick of being told it's not."
He grinned. It didn't touch his eyes. "You want me to haul you over the coals?"
"Actually . . . I think I do."
He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face
briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.
"Kissing me back like that was inexcusable." He spit the words at me. "If you knew you were
just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn't have been quite so convincing about it."
I winced and nodded. "I'm so sorry."
"Sorry doesn't make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't," I whispered.
"You should have told me to go die. That's what you want."
"No, Jacob," I whimpered, fighting against the budding tears. "No! Never."
"You're not crying?" he demanded, his voice suddenly back to its normal tone. He twitched
impatiently on the bed.
"Yeah," I muttered, laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs.
He shifted his weight, throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand.
"What are you doing?" I demanded through the tears. "Lie down, you idiot, you'll hurt
yourself!" I jumped to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down 